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Old 06-14-2006, 11:11 PM   #11
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

Now that I've become a mom it's very hard for me to be around those who don't at least share some of our parenting philosophies. For most I can simply avoid hot topics, but there's just some where honestly I can't get past some things and it's easier to just not hang out with them as much.


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Old 06-16-2006, 01:26 PM   #12
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

i dunno what to tell you, im tired of listening to people tell me i have to beat my son or else hes not gonna listen to me :sigh: what i DO do doesnt work a lot, though if i tell him to put something down and he does, i say thank you and clap and then he does and gets all proud casuse he did something right and got i dont hit him, though im told to all the time im not totally against it though when theyre older, whn they know what theyre doing more than thinking its funny, or just being bored, kwim??

and as far as the giving them something to cry about, ive thouight on that for a long time annd i think i know...sort of, other than it just being one of thos things people threaten their kids with to try to make them shut up- its like if they are already crying, and wont shut up, then whats the difference in making them cry if they already are, if im making sense, lol
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Old 06-16-2006, 06:48 PM   #13
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I don't really have a lot to say....but in regards to the ds1 knows the fly swatter as a "no-no stick" thanks to MIL. He is never alone with MIL anymore. And if she starts 'misbehaving' or if he starts frustrating her, I tactfully make our exit. I do NOT find that form of discipline acceptable!

As a first time mom being led by MIL (I'm 1,000 miles away from my family), I knew of nothing other than that's what ds1 has grown up with - to a point. Now that I'm more educated, I HATE spanking...absolutely despise it...but I do feel in certain circumstances that it's what works for ds1. And I mean only in extreme circumstances (running away from me toward a busy street, etc), not every day discipline. I **HATE** it, but it's the only thing he responds to.
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Old 06-16-2006, 11:49 PM   #14
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

Ugh my one friend is non AP and serisouly driving me to the point i avoid her as much as possible.... Its not just that shes non ap but that shes irresponsible and makes good young moms look bad......I want to call cps on her for soo many things but i guess im chicken....i cant even be near her anymore

The only person i can think of i know that may be AP is not even a parent yet shes my cousin and shes loves soo many things i do

blah i wish i could just avoid all non ap ppl but then i would have no friends... ( i only have like 3 anymore anyway lol) o well their loss.....

I pry wouldnt have bit my tongue with your friend though. My friend spanked her 18 month old for hitting mommy ....ugh i was like so what are you teaching her by that....she said she didnt know....stupid
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Old 06-17-2006, 05:45 AM   #15
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I think this is REALLY tough, since most of us are NOT surrounded by people who parent like us. I live in an area where NO ONE else is AP at all...and it drives me nuts. We live in a two family...the woman downstairs own the house and is a accquaintance of mine. Her parenting is HORRIBLE. Makes it tough, because often times the kids will alal be out playing in the yard togather. ME, i sit here and listen to threats of soaps and spankings and faces in the toilet...yup. She called her chidlren all kinds of horrible curses, and then laughs. I was at the point at one time where I almost put a stop to them all playing togther, but then I realized that if thye were around me more, at least they would get *some* gentle guidance. Yes, I realize that I'm not their mother, and I can't save every kid, but every little bit of loving direction has to halp somewhat, right? Well I have noticed that although I listen ot her antics all day, when I am right there with her, she is less nasty than she used to be, like she is worried baout what she looks like in fron of me So maybe it's workign a little. i guess it just depends on how much you can take, but I think that if you can stick with it a little, even seeing them occasionally, then maybe it will be helpful, at least to their kids if not them, so ses such a POSTIVE role model as yourself

I know how hard this sitation is. Follow your heart....
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Old 06-17-2006, 09:47 PM   #16
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

to you!! I feel your pain & it's a very hard thing to deal with!! While I really don't want to completely lose/abandon my friends who don't think the same as me (most of them don't! *shrug*), I also don't like to be around what I consider to be "not appropriate parenting", etc... I think the pp gives good advice saying to "follow your heart..."
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Old 06-19-2006, 10:30 PM   #17
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

The way I see it, if I don't agree with their parenting style I would just never let them watch my son unattended.

If I was friends with a parent pre-children, then I'd still be their friend. I'd just try and stay out of situations where things that I know would make me uncomfortable are less likely to happen.
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Old 06-20-2006, 07:38 AM   #18
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I can kind of see things both ways. I grew up with ONE AP parent and one VERY NON-ap parent. So, my tendancy in tough times is to revert back to the non-ap style and the same goes for my dh (except he had two non-ap parents). So, it is a daily struggle for us to ap parent. It is especially difficult with my 5 yo son. He is more than a handful and requires a saint's patience. I wouldn't resort to leaving him in the car by himself, but I may have before I knew better because that's what my mom would have done, kwim? Also, you have no idea what these parents went through that day with the boy. Maybe they were at their wits end with him, although I'm thinking about myself with a 5yo not a child under two? Anyway, maybe you could invite the parents to an AP group or a parenting seminar and lead them by example. I know before I really knew about ap parenting I was curious about it and would ask friends how it worked with their kiddos. Sounds to me like they might have just been desperate for a nice meal out and I have so been there before, because we almost never go out anymore.
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Old 06-20-2006, 01:10 PM   #19
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

AP or not, in our area, if you leave a child in a car alone-even standing outside-you are fined if the cops see you.

I think the punishment of the child was not age appropriate. If the kid was a snotty attituded tween-possibly. But a three year old?

It was uncalled for on many levels and I hope the parents of the child can find a more reasonable way to communicate with their child.
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Old 06-20-2006, 01:59 PM   #20
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Re: AP Parents Friends with Non-AP parents

I really don't know what to say as I've learned to not bother making comments on others parenting styles except in rare cases where something just really bothered me (like spanking a 16 month old when mom's changing her diaper because she's got a SEVERE diaper rash and mom was rubbing her hard with a disposable wipe).

Most of my friends are more AP than they think so I tend to try to learn from them. I grew up with some non-AP parents... and that's if they were even either phsyically there or emotionally there. (does that make sense?) So I know I tend to use some very non-AP tactics when I lose my cool. I'm still learning to just be patient and not expect so much from my kids. It's hard when you've pretty much raised yourself so you don't have anything to glean from.

I know others that have used leaving their child in a car while standing outside. It's about as disciplinarian as making a child go to their room to throw their fit. Why make others listen to it? Now the car has never been locked, but the child has to sit there to calm down. (This is all under the assumption that other needs have been met and the child is throwing a fit for the sake of throwing a fit- we can all agree that we've seen this happen at least once or twice regardless of parenting style)

I, myself, have dragged my oldest (yes, had to drag her) to the truck because we were in DD2's gymnastics class and my oldest decided she was SOOO not going to listen to me then she starts to just be the biggest beligerent you know what that I've ever seen. And I tried everything to get her to stop her behavior and she just wouldn't quit. It was quite the power struggle. And when I told her "Ok, I've had enough. We need to go to the truck for a talk." She started to get phsyical with me, screaming like I'm beating her, struggling phsycially with me to not walk out the door, screaming at me "Don't spank me Don't spank me I don't want a spanking!" (She's six so IMO, too old for spankings) At this point, I had to grab her by the upper arm and lift her up and drag her out. I'm only 5'4", she's already almost 5' and she's only six. She's SCREAMING bloody murder as I'm walking to the truck so of course, now I have an audience... and not just any audience... people that work at the Child Development Center that will call the MP's in a heartbeat for "alleged" child abuse. I was absolutely so disgusted with her, I made her get into her seat, buckle in and I climbed in the front seat, turned the truck on and turned on my music. She's whimpering in the back seat and trying to apologize but I'm so furious at her I ignore her. There was absolutely no reason on God's green earth for her to behave in that manner. Embarrassed was an absolute understatment. Wanting to put her up for adoption was at the top of the list of things to do that day.

That day made me realize clearly why, in the animal kingdom, some parents eat their young. I never did lay a hand on my child, but she had to sit in that truck for 15 minutes so she could calm down, I could calm down and then we had a serious discussion about her behavior.

The moral of the story is to be patient with your DH's friends. If it's optional for you to go on these excursions, I'd just have a talk with DH and let him now your feelings. You said he's obviously not bothered by it, so I'd let him go with them. Or you can go and make an example out of how you do it. I know for me, sometimes I have to see the AP in action to really understand it. (Does that make sense?)

Sorry for the long post. and thanks if you read through it all!
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