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Old 05-16-2012, 12:09 AM   #1
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Yelling....how do you controll it?

Im a yeller. I yell at my kids. Mainly my middle child, Kara, who is...spirited, very active and high needs. She knows how to push every.single.button I have - and she does so all.the.time.

I find myself just snapping at her for the smallest things (she will be 3 in July)! Like the other day, she asked me to make her a plate (we were at a family party). she picked out what she wanted to eat, and I sent to her sit at the table while I made her plate. less than 1 minute later I brought her plate over to her and as I set it in front of her (before it was even out of my hands), she was whining / screeching (whining REALLY REALLY loudly, lol) that she "didn't WANT THAT!!!" and started kicking her feet (working herself up into a tantrum) and I snapped (shouted) "Dont yell at your mother! You are NOT allowed to talk to me like that. If you dont want / like something, tell me in a nice, normal voice like a big girl!"...great....way to go, Jen... Teach her not to yell by yelling at her. Its not what I say, but how I say it. I cant help but respond to her screaming and whining with yelling of my own.

If I walk away from her for a minute she continues to follow me, whining / screeching. If I take a minute to breathe, and don't respond in 1.5 seconds or less she gets louder and more insistent....which makes me more irritated!

She can go from sweet and cuddly to full blown tantrum in a second. and I cant deal with the whining and crying if she doesnt get her way or changes her mind (but cant figure out how to communicate that to me).

I wish my first instinct wasn't to scream at her. I know its not conducive to yell....and it sure as heck wont teach her not to yell, lol!

How to you guys keep yourself calm? My first NEVER pushed these buttons. She wasnt a perfect kid by any means, but I was able to deal with it MUCH MUCH better (though she was wasnt nearly as high needs as kara is). I need some help!

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Old 05-16-2012, 12:43 AM   #2
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Re: Yelling....how do you controll it?

I try to control it. I sometimes can yell too (mainly if frustrated/ pms although sometimes that is crying/ or to get attention if oldest isn't listening for some reason) and I have a 7 yr old child and baby. I know it is hard but have you tried after getting her attention by yelling if you have to to say something like go to your room for a little bit or corner or give me a second? I am one that likes time to cool off before bad words and feelings are brought in so I try to walk away too for a time whether with my mom or kids or whoever. My oldest can be a reoccurring offender of sometimes irritating stuff I just have to tell lots of times and reminders-they are human. Could you just say something like it helps mommy when you actually say what you want at a picnic or just don't eat it/eat what you want from what I got you? Try having alternatives in your hand and if you do yell for no reason.... I do when mine lies and takes stuff... IF I am in the wrong like if I find it where I left it, accuse oldest of taking it when oldest didn't.... or something I will apologize and hug and say "I'm sorry". My husband I know is seeming to be having this same issue. It is hard especially if it is all of a sudden or you walk into it like a step parent I think because two parents aren't on the same page of how to handle stuff that comes up. Maybe see if your partner can step in if you are spent or whatever for a bit. I don't have that at nights so I just have to get my mind off or try to. Good luck.

Last edited by abunchoflemons; 05-16-2012 at 12:50 AM. Reason: need to reword somethings I saw.
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Old 05-16-2012, 12:55 AM   #3
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Re: Yelling....how do you controll it?

Oh I try to count in my head and breathe....try having boundaries and make a list of stuff for her that get on your nerves. try to talk to her and see if you can figure out why she does. mine cries for all things and I try to reiterate that teasing will probably occur at school for minor stuff but ok to cry for big stuff like a big bruise, death of family/friend or something like that sometimes I will also tell mine to knock it off...mine will ask lots of times on something even if I am busy and I will ask for a minute to finish. I will remind not to interrupt.
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Old 05-16-2012, 02:52 AM   #4
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I'm a yeller. My oldest daughter is a screecher, as well. The biggest thing that helps me is, the louder I want to yell at her, the quieter I whisper. I will open my mouth to yell, take a deep breath, and try to click the yelling off as fast as I can to whispering. It helps me calm down- the more I yell, the more upset I get (mostly at myself) and then I yell more. So if I don't yell, I don't get as upset. It also stops the screeching for at least 30 seconds. If she can't hear what I'm saying to her, she can't yell back at me, so she stops to hear what I'm saying.

It's not a perfect method, and I'm not amazing at it (yet!), but it does help those times I can remember to whisper. Oh and I put visual cues up for myself. An index card that says "Shhhh!" where I can see it in the living room is a good reminder for me.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:03 AM   #5
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I don't have any advice, but I'm terrified I will do this as well. My son is only 12 months, so not an issue yet. So I'm subbing to learn ways to handle this. My mom was a huge yeller. She also spanked. The yelling was always way way way more traumatizing than the spanking. I guess she knew she had to control herself when she was using physical force, but not when yelling. I have emotional scars from the yelling. But don't remember one actual spanking. Yelling is a serious issue.

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Old 05-16-2012, 06:12 AM   #6
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Re: Yelling....how do you controll it?

<--- Yeller.

I try to not yell, but my kids seriously don't respond to me if I talk normally.
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Old 05-16-2012, 06:18 AM   #7
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Re: Yelling....how do you controll it?

I have been reading a very insightful book called Transforming the Difficult Child. I speaks to challenging kids that seem so unhappy but are "addicted" to the energy we give them for making bad choices. You might find it helpful.
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:17 AM   #8
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Re: Yelling....how do you controll it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MDever View Post
I have been reading a very insightful book called Transforming the Difficult Child. I speaks to challenging kids that seem so unhappy but are "addicted" to the energy we give them for making bad choices. You might find it helpful.
Thanks - I will check into it.


Kara has always been a high needs child. For the first year of her life she didnt go more than 15 minutes without being in my arms (asleep or awake), if I wasnt there - she screamed until i got back. I cant even count the number of nights I slept sitting straight up with her strapped to me in a wrap or MT, lol!

For a while I thought she was just doing it for attention, so I have been going out of my way to give her LOTS and LOTS of positive 1 on 1 time....she wakes up first in the am, so we snuggle and talk in my bed for about 30 minutes. While Kate is in school I try to spend at least 30 minutes with her reading stories or playing something, once kate gets home I snuggle and play with kara during rest time (they dont nap anymore but each watch a TV show....1 in my room 1 on the couch) and when pete is home at night he takes 20 minutes to spend alone with her (he is only home for 45 minutes a day while they are awake)...but its never enough and doesnt seem to be diminishing her whining/ screeching at all.
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:22 AM   #9
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Re: Yelling....how do you controll it?

I'm very interested in this advice as well- it seems like my kids, especially 3yo DS, just doesn't hear me when I talk normally!
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:29 AM   #10
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Re: Yelling....how do you controll it?

We don't yell but what we do with that kind of behavior is just put our son in his room. We tell him he's welcome to have the tantrum in his room and let us know when he's done. (and this is when baby gates are a wonderful thing but we usually open it 1/2 way through the tantrum). I don't care if he just plays to calm down with his stuff in there.
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