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Old 01-26-2012, 01:29 AM   #1
Mamata3
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i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

I have been with DH for 6+years now and DSS is 7. I have been his only "MOM" for the last 4 1/2 years since she lost custody for being stupid. We are military and have moved 2 Japan over a year and a half ago. i think she has called maybe 5 times since we moved (we have a stateside number so its not a costly thing for her to call us). When she doeas call she fills his head with a bunch of crap and lies that I have to tell him are not true or break the bad news to him that his gift she said she sent is not in the mail "today" (it never is). SHe was remarried for about a year and just recently cheated on her DH so now they are getting a divorce (My DH called her so we can get her address to send her school pics, because she never has the same mailing info) she told my DH that they are getting a divorce because she cheated on her DH ect.. any way the next time she talked to My DSS she told him that they are getting a divorce because he was "MEAN" to her. I know this is not true. i know this poor man and let me tell you he is not mean. even if he is that is not why they are not together anymore and it makes me mad that she just tells him things like this.

I really dont want to hate her, i try my hardest to get along with her for DSS sake but man does she make it hard. I guess i hate her the most because The way she make DSS feel when she says she is gunna call and she doesnt or when she said she sent him b-day/christmas presents and doesnt. i am the one who has to pick him back up every time she lets him down and it kills me to see him so hurt by her. my husband is deployes about 6-9 months a year so it is just me and i dont know how much more heartbreak i can handle for him.

Anyone els have a situation like this? what did you do? do you get along with Step childrens other parents? how long did it take? i am hoping she changes but i really dont think she cares to. she get to be single and do whatever and whoever she wants and not take care of he kid and she is fine with that.

i guess this is a rant but i really do need words of wisdom from ppl who have gone on with life like this. i just dont know!

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Old 01-26-2012, 03:29 AM   #2
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

I don't have any experience with this exactly, My DS never see's his Dad or stepmom(never even actually met her) so I understand having a child being ignored by a parent. I guess I would just make sure he nows you'll always be there for him. As he gets older I'm sure he's going to understand what's been happening, but with my son when he asks about his Dad I tell him, "Dad can't take care of you right now but I'll always be here and I'll always take care of you". I wouldn't confront him about her lies, I think that might be a slippery slope, if she says shes sending stuff and it never shows up I'd just tell him he can ask her about it or tell him maybe it got lost in the mail. If she doesn't call when she says I'd tell him the same, that your always there to talk to him. I'm sure it's incredibly hard to grit your teeth and bear how she's treating him but he'll know who was really his 'mom'
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Old 01-26-2012, 04:38 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by mommy2wyatt
I don't have any experience with this exactly, My DS never see's his Dad or stepmom(never even actually met her) so I understand having a child being ignored by a parent. I guess I would just make sure he nows you'll always be there for him. As he gets older I'm sure he's going to understand what's been happening, but with my son when he asks about his Dad I tell him, "Dad can't take care of you right now but I'll always be here and I'll always take care of you". I wouldn't confront him about her lies, I think that might be a slippery slope, if she says shes sending stuff and it never shows up I'd just tell him he can ask her about it or tell him maybe it got lost in the mail. If she doesn't call when she says I'd tell him the same, that your always there to talk to him. I'm sure it's incredibly hard to grit your teeth and bear how she's treating him but he'll know who was really his 'mom'
Oh I don't confront him about "adult" things for the most part. But I do tell him when she is flat out lying about DH and I (she does this a lot) example, one time she told DSS that her and his daddy are not married anymore because I took him from her! This is not true nor should she be saying things like this to him even if it is true (he is 7) when he came and told me that it's my fault him mom and dad don't love each other I told him that some people say things to make themselves feel better about choices they have made in life. Or when she breaks up with her many boyfriends because she is a slut and likes to get around she always tells him it's because they did mean things to her (mind you she still tells DH sister everything and it's always because she cheats. This is also why her and DH are not married anymore) I have to tell him that some people like to make people think that they do nothing wrong in life and want people to think they are perfect. I would never tell him that she is a slut, I just figure he will see when he is older.

Ugh last time she talked to him she said that her new boyfriend can't wait to meet him and he is going to be a great daddy for him ( she just got separated from her husband a month ago) I don't know what is wrong with this woman and why the heck she thinks it's ok to put this stuff in his mind!
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Old 01-26-2012, 04:04 PM   #4
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

I would b ehonest with him without being negative towards her.

he will figure it out soon that it is a problem with her and not him.

like if she says "Ill call you tuesday Johnny at 6". and doesnt call a " I dont know why she didnt call Johnny how about we all go to the park/out for icecream/play a game instead next time she calls you can ask her what happened"

I would NOT tell him presents go lost in the mail or make excuses for her because its been long enough its not going to change kwim. Its one thing when wounds are fresh to make excuse and try to push the relationship its another to enable her to hurt him which excuses on why things dont happen I think just give him up that it was not her fault and next time it might be differnt
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Old 02-11-2012, 01:02 PM   #5
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

So know the feeling!
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Old 05-14-2012, 03:23 PM   #6
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

Mamata3 - It's wonderful to hear that you love and care for your stepson so much! I'm sorry that you're dealing with these difficulties with his mom. As I read your post, I was reminded of an article on Focus on the Family's website, " When Your Ex Has Different Values." Some of the information might be helpful to you and your husband as you communicate with your stepson. I work with Focus, and they also have counselors that can give you advice over the phone (for free). Hope this helps. God bless you!
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Old 05-15-2012, 10:09 AM   #7
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

Join the club. similar story been around for 9 years DSS is 10 Bio mom is a hassle and never gives up constant battle DSS always in the middle. She is remarried as well with other kids and still finds time to harass us on a constant basis.
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Old 05-16-2012, 05:40 PM   #8
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

I have dealt with my DSS's mom for 14 years ugh I will say he has figured her out and has made up his own mind about his mom.
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Old 05-19-2012, 01:05 AM   #9
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

I can't speak from personal experience. But my mother's good friend went through this with her nieces 20+ years ago, and she was sharing the story with us over the summer. Their mother ran off on their dad and the 2 girls when they were 3 and 5. The dad was totally overwhelmed and not in a good place, and so his brother and sister-in-law adopted the girls. Basically, same song-and-dance you describe- she'd call, make promises that didn't happen...aunt/mom described it as "things would just be starting to go well, and then she'd call and the get the girls all stirred up with lies."

Anyway, I'm just posting here to say, I know that auntie/mama had a tough time with both girls, the one even into her teens. But now they're adults, married and having their own families, and who do you think gets called "grandma"? It's the woman who raised them and was there to be honest with them, care for them, and tuck them in. All to say, *hugs* to you. It's hard in the moment, but as time goes on, kids know who cared for them, and in the long run you being the parent will be more important to him than her lies and shenanigans.
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Old 05-19-2012, 02:40 AM   #10
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Re: i HATE my stepsons bio mom!

I don't get along with step sons bio mom either. She is terrible. She refuses to let dh see ds, because he is married to me. The court order is for every other weekend, but we aren't in the state anymore, so we cant enforce it (because we aren't there!). She says he is being a bad parent because he doesn't see ds, yet won't let him come here. She did let him come during Christmas break, but then said she's never going to let him come again because I'm a horrible person (which is crazy! She's the one with a record, former drug addict, etc) Dh is going to file to have visitation changed. She also would not let her son be in our wedding because it didn't fall on dh's visitation weekend (we were in the state at the time). I have asked her many times to please let's all be adults and ALL get along for his best interest, but she tells me I'm not his mom, and I'm not important to him, and I mean nothing. She doesn't even care that he has sisters
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