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Old 05-28-2012, 08:09 PM   #1
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UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

My son is 8. I have no idea what planet he was raised on BUT I did NOT raise him to be SO disrespectful. He has ADHD and the specialist says a tendency towards ODD?? (I've never understood the "tendency" thing) In the past year he has become a little disrespectful jerk. Now don't get me wrong. My son IS kind and he IS smart and he IS a lot of good things. But his behavior and his attitude is just something else! I have read books, namely "How to get your kids to mind without losing yours". I think it has a lot of good information and I have applied the common sense stuff in the book. When he starts talking ugly to me, I make him go into his room and refuse to let him interact with anyone. If he doesn't do what I ask him to do he doesn't get xyz until he does. If he takes to long to do his chores and he has another activity to do he doesn't get to do it! I use the "I" technique rather than the "you". EX: When you say things like that to me I don't like it. Not "You are always hurting my feelings". If that makes any sense...it's what the book suggests...

Basically he has had his XBox taken away and I have no plans to give it back...ever. PSP is gone. iPod...gone. TV priveleges other than family movie night...gone. I don't take away his outside time as I don't think that's a main priority on his list anyway and it's essential for kids to have that connect with nature in my opinion.

So, help. I don't know what else to do but he is spiraling out of control and I can't seem to stop him!

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Old 05-28-2012, 08:22 PM   #2
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

I think you are wise to take away TV -- one reason I think children are disrespectful, is they mimic interactions on TV, where there are a ton of subtle put downs, without even realizing it.

Other than that, I have had success with is making my son think about a different way to say something. Being disrespectful was getting to be a habit he had to break. I actually had him practice how to ask for things respectfully. I would say things like "I didn't like how that sounded, could you try again?" or "what would be a more respectful way to tell me you don't want X, or don't care for Y", and I had him practice saying, as a matter of habit "yes, ma'am" or "yes, mama" when asked to do something. Martial arts also does a really good job of getting him into the habit of "yes, ma'am," and minding, because that is what is expected there.

Lots of practice, lots of modeling.....good luck! But we found quickly that we can take away everything, until there is nothing left to take away, and still be left with the problem. If they don't have the skills to change their behavior, you need to help them obtain the skills, otherwise all the taking away in the world is not going to fix the problem.
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Old 05-28-2012, 08:37 PM   #3
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

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Originally Posted by Sarai* View Post
Other than that, I have had success with is making my son think about a different way to say something. Being disrespectful was getting to be a habit he had to break. I actually had him practice how to ask for things respectfully. I would say things like "I didn't like how that sounded, could you try again?" or "what would be a more respectful way to tell me you don't want X, or don't care for Y", and I had him practice saying, as a matter of habit "yes, ma'am" or "yes, mama" when asked to do something. Martial arts also does a really good job of getting him into the habit of "yes, ma'am," and minding, because that is what is expected there.

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Now...when I ask DS to say something differently or say yes ma'am...I get "WHATEVER" or "That's LAME!" Just a BIGGGGGGGGGGG ATTITUDE. I don't understand! I always say please, thank you and I do this regularly in front of my kids. I know parenting can be rough, but I don't understand where all this attitude and ugliness comes from? We had him in martial arts but it cost $120 per month and I just couldn't afford it anymore
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Old 05-28-2012, 08:45 PM   #4
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

Hey mama, I also have an 8-year old and I teach this age children all day at school. I am all-too acquainted with the attitude you're describing. You are taking the most important step in trying to address this instead of living obliviously or not caring about your son's behavior! So kudos to you, really. My daughter is actually fond of the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." I can't stand the cartoons throughout it but she for some reason totally digs it. Maybe you guys can read it together and try some of the suggestions in the book? Best of luck to you!!!

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Old 05-29-2012, 08:49 AM   #5
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

I think you're on the right track here, but I just wanted to point one thing out that we have found with our kids. If you take stuff away forever, and especially if you take everything away forever, what reason does he have to change his ways and be good? I mean from his point of view, "If there is no hope to get the stuff back ever, why should I even try?" What we have found that works better is to take something away for a certain amount of time, like one or two days, and IF they are good they get it back. If they aren't days can get added. The short time limit actually gets way better results than longer time limits. Time moves very slowly for children, so a week or a month seems like a really long time to them. For instance, for an 8yo one year is 1/8 of their life. For a 35yo it is 1/35 of their life. That's why time seems to move slower to kids!!
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Old 05-29-2012, 09:13 AM   #6
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

I agree with PP -- if he never gets the stuff back, he sees no reason to change. It was about that age that we started open-ended loss of privileges with our oldest. Instead of saying no tv for a week, it would be no tv until you can show that you are a member of the family by being respectful of everyone. It still definitely goes in cycles, but it seems to be more of a wake-up call when I remind her that it is her choice when to get something back.

Also, make sure you are giving him the one-on-one time he needs, even though it's hard when they are being disrespectful and you don't want to be with them.

If he can't ask for something politely, don't give it to him. When my kids whine or are rude when they ask, I don't get them something or do something for them until they have asked politely. Sometimes it means they stay snotty and do it themselves, but most of the time they will stop and rephrase their request.

And lastly, make sure you are doing enough praising and positive reinforcement.
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Old 05-29-2012, 06:49 PM   #7
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

Yes, I agree with you all. The only reason I SUPER hate HATE HATE the xBox 360 is because everytime DS gets it back his behavior gets 100 times worse! I do spend a lot of time with him. Even though he is rude and disrespectful. I love him to pieces. He is my first baby and I would take off someone's head if they hurt him Seriously LOL. I just feel sometime like I did something wrong It's hard not to feel like that. His dad speaks harshly to him sometimes and I don't like it. I know why DH does it...it's just hard to listen to. And lately he has been teaching his brother (3) very bad things like pulling his pants down and showing his privates I don't understand it. My nephew went through a period he would "pants" other kids (pulling their pants down by surprise) and I've heard of other kids doing this...I just don't get it And why would DS1 do that in front of DS2? UGH! I know kids are constantly going through a "stage" but man it's hard! So now I have DS2 imitating DS1's bad behavior. Then DD (who is 2) imitates DS2 so it's like a never ending cycle of bad behavior!! Blah. I hope this summer I can get him "straight" and acting like a considerate human being. I know it could be A LOT worse...so forgive the whining
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Old 05-29-2012, 06:54 PM   #8
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

ADHD children need a lot of interaction and getting their energy out. If he doesn't have a good outlet for that and then sits there and plays video games, all that stimulation he's getting from the game has no where to go once it enters his body. Kids who play video games like that are generally more "rude". The games just suck them in, etc. My ds1 is 5 and also has ADHD. He is TV free due to the "sucking in" factor that comes with kids like him.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:50 PM   #9
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Re: UGH...DS is SO disrespectful!

I agree Jenn...he imitates EVERYTHING he see/hears on video games on tv...anything. Also, he has an obsession with singing that song "I'm sexy and I know it!" I'm not even sure where he heard it! I have heard it but I HATE it and turn it off immediately when I hear the annoying music. I'm not sure how this has happened. He was born with a strong, VERY strong will. He thinks he rules me and our home. Even though I feel like I'm a good parent...somehow with him things are so out of control. It is very difficult. I held him back in the 2nd grade...he is a September baby so he was the youngest in his (would have been) 3rd grade class and he was behind. Now he is pretty much on track but because of his behavior he doesn't always do well turing in homework or taking his time on assignments so he gets some bad grades. Blah. Tutoring maybe this summer. His tutor is strict and doesn't let him get away with his little conumdrums (sp??) and she really gets a lot of information to him. I am VERY nervous with him going into 3rd grade and acting up like he does. I'm praying he will mature more over the summer though I am not holding my breath. I know he goes at his own pace. I fully understand why ADHD can be classified as a disability.
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Old 05-30-2012, 12:24 AM   #10
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Is he in any structured activities? Sports? Martial arts? A way to get out energy while also having structure and respect instilled into the atmosphere of fun and responsibility can really make a kid grow in positive ways. And wear his body and mind out so he's not as all over from having everything pent up.

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