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Old 05-29-2012, 02:17 PM   #11
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

We wound up choosing a single male friend of ours. It was supposed to be my mother and father but I can't in good conscience allow my father to raise my children. He has serious mental illness that is untreated. Each year (ok each day) he gets worse and he will not even bother admitting he has a problem. He has purposefully gone behind my back to attempt to convert my children. He thinks he "loves" them as well as he believes he "loves" the rest of the family but it is hard for some one like him to love anyone. My mother is an enabler. She chooses to ignore the fact that he has problems and that they are getting worse. I can't very well insist that she alone raises them so my parents are no longer an option. Honestly they weren't a very good option anyway. Because of the nature of my mother (not wanting to admit that there is ever a problem) she is not the best choice to raise a child with special needs and my oldest son is autistic. I know she would love my boys though and she has been with them since they were tiny. I am not close with my own brother and dh isn't close with his siblings either. It doesn't help that dh's family is super religious and we are atheist and don't want a religious upbringing for our kids. I know it would be confusing for them to be forced into that (his family are young Earth creationists). We have a very good friend who, while single, is a teacher and already planning to foster and adopt. He would do his best to ensure that he raised our children as we would want them raised (other than putting them in public school). Our children adore him and he loves them so that is our plan. It wasn't an easy decision and I know my parents would not be thrilled if they ever found out. Hopefully they never have to.

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Old 05-29-2012, 07:41 PM   #12
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If anything happens to me and DH, the kids are going into DP's custody. If I die, the guys would raise the kids together. If dh dies, dp and I will raise the kids together. Period, end of story. Frankly my family and upbringing is/was too dysfunctional for me to ever consider any of them for custody and DH's family, for many reasons, is not any kind of an option.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:01 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Freedom
If anything happens to me and DH, the kids are going into DP's custody. If I die, the guys would raise the kids together. If dh dies, dp and I will raise the kids together. Period, end of story. Frankly my family and upbringing is/was too dysfunctional for me to ever consider any of them for custody and DH's family, for many reasons, is not any kind of an option.
whats dp? I'm still learning sorry :/
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:06 PM   #14
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

Ultimately, we know no one will be as good for our kids as us. So we went into the decision knowing we weren't going to find a perfect fit.

Dh's family lives near us so the kids are a bit more familiar with them. We ruled out parents for aging reasons. Dh has 2 sisters - one we don't get along with so she was out. The other sister is great - would do a wonderful job with the kids. But she has a terrible marriage. Ultimately we ruled her out because as much as we love her we felt her marriage was too unstable to add more kids into it.

I have 2 brothers. One lives a diatance from us - we only see them maybe twice a year. So they don't have a super close relationship with the kids. But when they see the kids theynare awesome with the kids. They have a solid marriage. Their lifestyle is more go, go, go than ours and church isn't as big a priority in their life as it is ours. My other brother has a super stable marriage as well. But they don't have kids and we aren't sure they will have any. They live a little closer so we see them 3-4 times a year (but still not super close). They again are awesome with the kids. We had a hard time picking between the 2 of them. Ultimately we picked my oldest brother. While they live quite a ways a way, they have kids and are more familiar with day to day care of kids. We weren't sure if my other brother would find kids a burden or not.

As the kids get older we've debated switching brother's though. My brother has been finding more time to see the kids - so the kids are forming a good relationship with him and his wife. We know they are the back up for my other brother so they are open to taking kids in if needed. Church is a bit more of a priority for them and I think they are a bit better able to slow down for our kids who aren't used to a fast paced lifestyle. My nephews have so many activities that we aren't sure my other brother and his wife can slow down too much right now.

Either way, we know either of my brothers would be great with the kids. They aren't us but they are good people will values we want our kids to know.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:11 PM   #15
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

We did something a little different. We wrote down a list of traits we'd want in the home the kids went to, and made a list of possible people. If DH and I both passed away, all the people on the list will work together to decide who's home is the best fit for the kids compared to our list. The people include my parents, bro and SIL, and my cousin and her husband. The list includes things like a two parent household, focus on education, etc. We have enough life insurance that finances aren't a huge issue. My mom has the most authority to make the final decision, even if her's isn't the home they go to.
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Old 05-29-2012, 10:45 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by okiemama

whats dp? I'm still learning sorry :/
Dear partner, usually.

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Old 05-29-2012, 10:50 PM   #17
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Re: How did you decide who would get your kids if something happened to you?

My mom and step dad were to take our children but my mom passed away last year so now I dont know if we should change it. I have 2 younger sisters that could help my dad and we have life insurance that could help with childcare if needed to help my dad out. 6 kids is a lot for anyone to take and Im most scared of my kids having to be split up.
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Old 05-30-2012, 01:51 AM   #18
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Well I asked the people we picked so the childfree couple probably would say no.
I picked my aunt on moms side. She immediately with no hesitation said yes. Btw DD has seen her twice once at 4mos and once at 3 years old. She is 9!!! For me it was best idea. Family is family and she would be raised well.
If it were me I would pick new married couple or single guys. Ask though as you don't want them shocked if worst case happens.

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Old 05-30-2012, 01:59 AM   #19
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I think you need each person's input. If they don't want to take on the responsibility, they could give them up. Have a heart to heart with each choice, and see how you feel then.

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Old 05-30-2012, 03:48 AM   #20
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Our choice goes like this:
My mom
My sister and brother in law
Then we are SOL
We decided based on who we thought would uphold our values and the way we want our kids raised. I'm sad to say that I feel DHs mom is not really an option for us. She loves her kids but is extremely manipulative and neither of us want our kids growing up under that burden he had. Past my mom and sister, both kids are likely to go outside the family. I'm seriously way more concerned with my children being raised in a loving and familiar environment than I am with "blood" or offending anyone. And I have 3 other siblings to consider, DH has 6..But none would do it the way we want.

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