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Old 05-20-2012, 12:26 PM   #1
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Mourning a different type of loss...

I don't know if this is the "right" place to post this, but I'm struggling. I admit, I have not gone through fertility problems, but now I'm unable to have more children and it's devastating. I'm having a really hard time dealing with these feelings, and I don't know anyone personally that has gone through something like this.

My daughter is five months old. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I prepared for a HBAC. Reading birthing books, seeing a spectacular midwife, hypnobirthing, religiously practicing affirmations and doing everything I thought possible to be successful. Unfortunately, I wasn't.

Without going through my entire birth history, I'll leave it at this: My daughter's birth was horrific. Repeat cesarean after over four days in labor. Got stuck with an OB that was insanely rude and unsupportive. She butchered my body. She couldn't get my daughter sectioned properly, and ended up cutting my uterus in a "T" shape to pull my daughter from her womb. The surgery was bad enough, but within a week postpartum, my incision was leaking copious amounts of fluid. The sutures had loosened, and I went back in for emergency surgery. Turns out, my entire uterus had become infected. I was given a hysterectomy.
I spent the next two months trying to heal physically. Weeks in the hospital. I was on a WoundVac pump, had home health nurses coming almost daily to change dressings. Not much later, I was rehospitalized for a pulmonary embolism. I spent much of those first few months in the hospital, going to appointments, and on too many meds to count.

I am blessed with two beautiful children, and I am not ungrateful for them. But I am still trying to cope with the loss of my "womanhood". I can't ever have another biological child. That choice was ripped from me. I can never have another baby, I will never experience another pregnancy. And, unfortunately, I missed out on the majority of my daughter's newborn life. As she grows and meets milestones, I am constantly reminded that this is it. I'll never have this again.

Again, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings. Nothing in life is fair, but this just doesn't feel right. I hate not having a choice. I hate having to choke back emotions when strangers ask questions about having another baby. I know adoption is always possible later on, but I'm missing a part of ME. Of my body. Of what I thought would be my family. I'm mourning the loss of the thought of more biological children, which is completely intangible now. I'm bitter, sad, and angry. I wish this was all a nightmare, but it isn't. It's my reality, and I don't want to face it. I just keep pushing it all away and hoping these feelings will disappear.
Any advice? Has anyone gone through something like this? How do you cope with this type of loss? How do you remain positive when it feels like there's no hope left?

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Old 05-20-2012, 12:35 PM   #2
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I don't have any answers for you. I haven't been there, but I just wanted to give a . So sorry this has happened. Glad you and baby are okay.
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:18 PM   #3
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Re: Mourning a different type of loss...

Yea. I haven't come in to contact with that but I am adopted & know how important that is to a child that doesn't have a family. Close thing I had was my oldest ripped me I think now cuz dioc on call cuz mine was out of town on vacation. Second he was here & no rips & stitches. I feel like I was ripped 4 no reason but glad & thankful I'm stil here with hypothyroidism that made my first high risk pregnancy or so we thought. Maybe if you are religious, God is telling you that you are meant to adopt to help other babies find homes as loving as yours? Hugs
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:26 PM   #4
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Re: Mourning a different type of loss...

Mama that is a horrific experience to have gone through. If you were skipping anong I would think you were strange but this seems VERY normal to me. In the grand scheme of things it has not been long since your surgery. I think you need to be a little more patient with yourself. Try not to beat yourself up. It sounds to me like you feel guilty for being so upset when you have your 2 babies? Your experience is just as earth shattering to you as any other womans infertility is to her. I am so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:27 PM   #5
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Re: Mourning a different type of loss...

Sorry DP
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:54 PM   #6
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Re: Mourning a different type of loss...

I am sorry you went through all of that.

I am in the other end of the spectrum. I have a uterus but my ovaries are basically not there. They are there, just not functioning, so I know a bit about what your going through. Have you considered having a gestational surrogate if you wanted more children later on? Provided you still have ovaries you should be able to produce eggs and do an egg retrieval. Just a thought.

I am sorry your in this spot. Prayers that you will eventually find peace.
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:14 PM   #7
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Re: Mourning a different type of loss...

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3 ladybugs View Post
I am sorry you went through all of that.

I am in the other end of the spectrum. I have a uterus but my ovaries are basically not there. They are there, just not functioning, so I know a bit about what your going through. Have you considered having a gestational surrogate if you wanted more children later on? Provided you still have ovaries you should be able to produce eggs and do an egg retrieval. Just a thought.

I am sorry your in this spot. Prayers that you will eventually find peace.
My first thought was a gestational surrogate also.

mama. I have no advice - I can only imagine your pain. Honestly, as a PP said, your emotions sound completely normal to me. I hope you continue to heal physically and emotionally. I am so sorry for what happened to you.
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Old 05-20-2012, 06:45 PM   #8
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Re: Mourning a different type of loss...

So sorry mama. I think you posted in the right place. I have no words. Just
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Old 05-20-2012, 06:51 PM   #9
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So sorry. It's totally understandable to mourn the loss of your fertility. I hope you are able to pull through this and enjoy the wonderful kids you do have.

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Old 05-20-2012, 07:07 PM   #10
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I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry not only for your loss but for the horrible experience that lead to it. I would suggest you try to find a therapist who is sympathetic to trauma at the hands of a dr. I think what you are feeling is probably very typical, but ptsd from traumatic births is very real, so don't delay seeking someone to talk to.
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