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Old 06-04-2012, 10:40 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by JeDeeLenae
I don't really agree that not taking the test, running away, and dealing with the nes later is best. I know what he did sucks, his family isn't acting expected, etc., but this is something you can't hide from. Acting hastily could be a really bad move. Do you want him in your child's life? What does he really want to solve with this paternity test? What kind of relationship do you want your child to have with her father?

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Sadly its not about hiding from the mess he created but avoiding being legally trapped in a country where she doesn't want to be.

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Old 06-04-2012, 10:47 AM   #32
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Sadly its not about hiding from the mess he created but avoiding being legally trapped in a country where she doesn't want to be.

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But running could create an entire different set of legal issues. It sounds like he wants to be in this baby's life, to the point that he "tricked" her into staying here. He can demand a paternity test the day the baby is born and if court papers are filed and she leaves, it could be a lot more trouble than expected.

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Old 06-04-2012, 11:00 AM   #33
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Re: Help:upset and need advice

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Originally Posted by JeDeeLenae View Post
But running could create an entire different set of legal issues. It sounds like he wants to be in this baby's life, to the point that he "tricked" her into staying here. He can demand a paternity test the day the baby is born and if court papers are filed and she leaves, it could be a lot more trouble than expected.

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Or, he is controling to an extent. This is about what is in the best interest of mama and baby, not daddy. She needs to be where she and baby are loved and supported. I don't think anyone is suggesting that she run home and hide the baby from him and his family, just they be where they will get what they both need. She can certainly handle the legal aspects of this situation from her home country and if being in daughters childs life is truly that important to him he can go and see her, mom shouldn't have to stay here and be isolated from love and support for that to happen.
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Old 06-04-2012, 11:49 AM   #34
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Or, he is controling to an extent. This is about what is in the best interest of mama and baby, not daddy. She needs to be where she and baby are loved and supported. I don't think anyone is suggesting that she run home and hide the baby from him and his family, just they be where they will get what they both need. She can certainly handle the legal aspects of this situation from her home country and if being in daughters childs life is truly that important to him he can go and see her, mom shouldn't have to stay here and be isolated from love and support for that to happen.
I understand, but what's best is probably NOT to have a kidnapping charge over her head if he files to have a test done and she just leaves. I just want to make sure she leaves the right way, or, like I said, she could create a lot bigger if a problem than what she has now. Chances are, she won't be hopping on a plane with a newborn, so it does give him time to pursue things legally.

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Old 06-04-2012, 12:37 PM   #35
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Re: Help:upset and need advice

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I understand, but what's best is probably NOT to have a kidnapping charge over her head if he files to have a test done and she just leaves. I just want to make sure she leaves the right way, or, like I said, she could create a lot bigger if a problem than what she has now. Chances are, she won't be hoping on a plane with a newborn, so it does give him time to pursue things legally.

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I agree with you.
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:58 PM   #36
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Re: Help:upset and need advice

I second JeDeeLenae, OP you need to talk to a Lawyer stat if you want to leave country! You could be in serious trouble if you do not have all your ducks in a row. Your man has already made his statement about how far he is going to go to keep this baby around and be involved in her life. He has that right as her father to be involved. It sucks that he is a dolt about timing, but it sounds like he wants to be a good dad very badly, he just wants proof. If he is willing to be a good father and be involved, is that enough to stay?

Take a deep breath! Right now you don't need all the stress and drama. When you feel like you've reached your breaking point, leave the house, take a walk, meditate. He can be a pushy, manipulative, oblivious fool, but you don't have to react to his insecurities. Your health and your baby girl's health are more important, than the doubts others may have. Everyone has doubts and fears, you have yours about him and his family to!

I know you are terribly hurt right now, but try to step back from the situation and look at it from a neutral point of view. Try to be as calm as possible when you talk to him. Explain that since he has totally botched your trust in him to fully support you with his family, you don't trust him to support you in labor. That is not selfish. What was selfish is him expressing his fears at the last hour when you need the emotional support the most. Ask him what in the world he was thinking to bring that up at the last minute!

You know you can still fly with Dr.'s permission up until you actually deliver. I did at 41 weeks, from AK to CA. I think you have to have everything lined up along the way and have a Dr. who is going to be in contact from Australia who will take your care over.

Other things to consider:
Does your daughter deserve to have her father involved in her life?
What were your expectations of his family and him and were they spelled out?
What if moving home turns out to be worse than staying?
Do you love him?
Does he love you?
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Old 06-04-2012, 01:15 PM   #37
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Re: Help:upset and need advice

Thank-you again for the responses! I feel very wounded and broken because I did choose to stay in the USA based on his promise to fully love and support us. I also feel trapped because I told him months ago that my core support group were thousands of miles away and believed his promises.
It seems totally unfair that he would block me from returning home to be with my family even temporarily, when his own family have not accepted us. But knowing his insecure, selfish nature it is exactly what he would do. Knowing that I had been viewed all along with caution and judgement will always scar any interaction with him and his family. I'm not a bitter person but it will be difficult for me to get over this.
Throughout the pregnancy I had always been the stronger one and now those strengths are being put to the test as my body, mind and Spirit face the challenge of a natural birth. And afterwards, the reality that I have nobody to turn too and no apartment to live in at the end of the month. I gave notice so that baby, him and I could all move into a new home together. I will also be faced with the reality that this man-child will cling to her at whatever cost to fill a void his insecurities and paranoia created. I didn't see that warning sign till recently either, he feels 'needed' when I am weakened and vulnerable. He feels more secure when I am having difficulty walking because of baby's position or when I can barely breathe because of an asthma flare-up. I fear that he will smother the baby with his neediness and mask it as being 'attentive'. The only thing keeping me together is the love, prayers and belief in me that my own family continue to send....And this beautiful little girl I adore in my belly. Regardless of S.O's neurotic behaviour and whatever else life throws my way I always sing, read to baby and send lots of love to my belly....of all the days I would've expected to hear from his family it was yesterday, due date...but I heard nothing....I'm not surprised it matches the the level of support I've had from them all along....My own family are very excited about her and concerned about my wellbeing knowing I am alone and now overdue.....blessings to all of you sending baby and I lots of good wishes and love, we need it.....Thank-you!

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Old 06-04-2012, 02:04 PM   #38
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Re: Help:upset and need advice

will any of your family be coming to the US to help you? It would be a much easier transition and escape for you to be around those who love and support you. Then, they will help you to see from a different perspective and help you decide what is best for you and baby. I was in a similar situation but without children and I got out of that relationship. It was degrading and unhealthy. there was no way I could have married him and been happy with children. It was a nightmare, I just was too chicken for 4 years to leave him. When I did, it was night and day and I got my self worth and self esteem back. We weren't married so there were no legal ramifications. You can still leave. You aren't married to him. You can do the paternity test. You can move back to your country. He can make the attempts to visit and such. You are the mother and have more rights at this point.

Good luck and much love!
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Old 06-04-2012, 03:24 PM   #39
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Re: Help:upset and need advice

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Pregnancy is hard enough without people treating you like crap.

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He certainly doesn't sound like father material. I agree with PP, don't put his name on the BC, and as soon as you are able go home. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system. He is showing you his true colors and giving you an our (although I doubt he realizes it).
I agree with this. As hard as it is right now, it seems like this is not the kind of person you want to be involved with for the rest of your life. And it is not the kind of person you want to be a father to your child. I think a bad father that is demeaning to women is much worse than not having a father around. Don't do the test, don't put his name on the birth certificate and get out of there as fast as you can.

Don't do the test to prove to him or his parents that you were being faithful. You know the truth and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. The only way you should do the test is if you really want him involved in your life and your child's life.
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Old 06-04-2012, 07:02 PM   #40
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Re: Help:upset and need advice

Im going to go ahead and be honest, and the odd woman out, here. I do think he was insensitive in the timing of his request, but I think considering taking his baby to another country over it is far worse than anything he has done. Honestly if you had been talking about your support system being overseas from the beginning I am not surprised he would want a paternity test just to see to it that he has some rights to his own child. And you know, perhaps he waited until late in the game to ask to make sure you didn't leave him in anger over the request? Cause it sounds like this has been something he has had hanging over him for a while. A man needs to be respected and needed, to tell him your support system is in another country makes him feel like he is nothing, just something to think about in that area.

Society likes to say mom has the only rights, but that is just plain wrong. A child needs a mother and a father. To leave only based on him being insensitive in his timing is not ony cruel to him but to your daughter who needs her father as well. Sounds to me like he really wants to be involved in his daughters life and is afraid you are going to take her from him.

I know pregnancy is an emotional and physically tough time but please don't make a decision that you could regret the rest of your life. Contrary to what society will tell you children need fathers. I know what I am saying is probably not what you want to hear, but please think about it.
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