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Old 06-04-2012, 07:19 PM   #41
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Im going to go ahead and be honest, and the odd woman out, here. I do think he was insensitive in the timing of his request, but I think considering taking his baby to another country over it is far worse than anything he has done. Honestly if you had been talking about your support system being overseas from the beginning I am not surprised he would want a paternity test just to see to it that he has some rights to his own child. And you know, perhaps he waited until late in the game to ask to make sure you didn't leave him in anger over the request? Cause it sounds like this has been something he has had hanging over him for a while. A man needs to be respected and needed, to tell him your support system is in another country makes him feel like he is nothing, just something to think about in that area.

Society likes to say mom has the only rights, but that is just plain wrong. A child needs a mother and a father. To leave only based on him being insensitive in his timing is not ony cruel to him but to your daughter who needs her father as well. Sounds to me like he really wants to be involved in his daughters life and is afraid you are going to take her from him.

I know pregnancy is an emotional and physically tough time but please don't make a decision that you could regret the rest of your life. Contrary to what society will tell you children need fathers. I know what I am saying is probably not what you want to hear, but please think about it.
I think you're conveniently ignoring a lot of other issues here.

1. She trusted him and stayed in the first place. There's two sides to every story, but it sounds like he hasn't ever kept up his end of the bargain.

2. That he feels he has a right to be in the delivery room sounds domineering and controlling to me already. Like he has every intention of lording his citizenship over her to control her.

3. What sort of man first refuses to leave the apt and then threatens to press assault charges against his 40 week pregnant SO?

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Old 06-04-2012, 07:37 PM   #42
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I think you're conveniently ignoring a lot of other issues here.

1. She trusted him and stayed in the first place. There's two sides to every story, but it sounds like he hasn't ever kept up his end of the bargain.

2. That he feels he has a right to be in the delivery room sounds domineering and controlling to me already. Like he has every intention of lording his citizenship over her to control her.

3. What sort of man first refuses to leave the apt and then threatens to press assault charges against his 40 week pregnant SO?
THIS. Legally it is HER apartment, not his, so if she asked him to leave he should have. Anything else makes him one sorry S.O.B.
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Old 06-04-2012, 07:41 PM   #43
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Thank-you for the responses! He said he did not bring his doubts up earlier because I would've flown back to my own family (who would've loved and accepted him unconditionally, cared mostly that we are healthy and happy). Now it is too late for me to make the twenty plus hour flight back.
Still it was very unfair for him to wait so long to voice his 'valid concerns' and now he is calling me selfish because I don't want him to attend the birth. And calling me selfish for considering having baby closer to my family and support system in the first place. His words mean nothing given that today is DD and his family have rejected baby and I already. Its just me, my big belly and my cat.
When I do get the test results I hope they feel like the pathetic grandparents they are. I won't tell them when I go into labor and won't allow them to see baby till after the results are in. Till then I plan on treating them how I feel baby and I have been, mostly ignored.
I'm just grateful that I hired a doula to assist me thru labor and delivery because I'm going to need all my strength to birth my little girl. I need to be surrounded by Light and Love at this time, baby and I deserve better than this and I'm going to protect her whatever it takes. I want to bring her into the world unmedicated and can only do this if I feel grounded and empowered. I won't allow him to take this from her.
I haven't read all of the posts yet, but I don't know how to multi quote yet...haven't played enough...LOL

This statement makes me think that he 'held you hostage' basically by not telling you until it was too late for you to fly home!!! I am sure you love him, but he sounds like an a@@hole. He sounds selfish and like he will allow his parents to dictate or meddle or even have more weight in decisions than you...I went through this...YOU DO NOT WANT A MAN/FATHER OF YOUR BABY TO NOT STAND UP TO HIS PARENTS AND PUT YOU AND BABY 1ST. THEY WILL ALWAYS TRY TO SPLIT YOU UP AND BE FAKE TO YOUR FACE...well I guess I can't be positive about it, but that's how my story went...

I initially agree with you...have the baby, and request that you do not have any visitors regardless of who they are (unless YOUR parents are coming). Talk to an atty about rights though...this can get sticky.

Another side is...be the bigger person...let him attend and give him instructions to behave or be put out, let the Doc and ALL nurses on staff know what is going on or at least what you want. Let GParents stay in waiting room but after everyone has been 'a part of the birth' they need to go...until paternity is established...if that is what you want...I fell in love again after having the baby...I even wrote a Thank You note to him for giving me such an amazing baby...WTF?!?!?! HE should've wrote ME a friggin note!! LOL.

I am going to continue to read and see how things go...I wish you the best!!!!
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Old 06-04-2012, 07:52 PM   #44
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Thank-you for the responses! He said he did not bring his doubts up earlier because I would've flown back to my own family (who would've loved and accepted him unconditionally, cared mostly that we are healthy and happy). Now it is too late for me to make the twenty plus hour flight back.
Still it was very unfair for him to wait so long to voice his 'valid concerns' and now he is calling me selfish because I don't want him to attend the birth. And calling me selfish for considering having baby closer to my family and support system in the first place. His words mean nothing given that today is DD and his family have rejected baby and I already. Its just me, my big belly and my cat.
When I do get the test results I hope they feel like the pathetic grandparents they are. I won't tell them when I go into labor and won't allow them to see baby till after the results are in. Till then I plan on treating them how I feel baby and I have been, mostly ignored.
I'm just grateful that I hired a doula to assist me thru labor and delivery because I'm going to need all my strength to birth my little girl. I need to be surrounded by Light and Love at this time, baby and I deserve better than this and I'm going to protect her whatever it takes. I want to bring her into the world unmedicated and can only do this if I feel grounded and empowered. I won't allow him to take this from her.
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Thank-you again for the responses! I feel very wounded and broken because I did choose to stay in the USA based on his promise to fully love and support us. I also feel trapped because I told him months ago that my core support group were thousands of miles away and believed his promises.
It seems totally unfair that he would block me from returning home to be with my family even temporarily, when his own family have not accepted us. But knowing his insecure, selfish nature it is exactly what he would do. Knowing that I had been viewed all along with caution and judgement will always scar any interaction with him and his family. I'm not a bitter person but it will be difficult for me to get over this.
Throughout the pregnancy I had always been the stronger one and now those strengths are being put to the test as my body, mind and Spirit face the challenge of a natural birth. And afterwards, the reality that I have nobody to turn too and no apartment to live in at the end of the month. I gave notice so that baby, him and I could all move into a new home together. I will also be faced with the reality that this man-child will cling to her at whatever cost to fill a void his insecurities and paranoia created. I didn't see that warning sign till recently either, he feels 'needed' when I am weakened and vulnerable. He feels more secure when I am having difficulty walking because of baby's position or when I can barely breathe because of an asthma flare-up. I fear that he will smother the baby with his neediness and mask it as being 'attentive'. The only thing keeping me together is the love, prayers and belief in me that my own family continue to send....And this beautiful little girl I adore in my belly. Regardless of S.O's neurotic behaviour and whatever else life throws my way I always sing, read to baby and send lots of love to my belly....of all the days I would've expected to hear from his family it was yesterday, due date...but I heard nothing....I'm not surprised it matches the the level of support I've had from them all along....My own family are very excited about her and concerned about my wellbeing knowing I am alone and now overdue.....blessings to all of you sending baby and I lots of good wishes and love, we need it.....Thank-you!
This is a very SCARY statement...He has the signs of an abuser...take this FWIW...

I am posting as I read the comments so I don't forget what I want to say, my view may change as we go...I am not floundering but realizing new info or insight from PP's.

I agree with calling a lawyer ASAP...like yesterday. Find out what your rights are...tell the receptionist that you are likely to deliver any day and you have a dire custody situation for the unborn baby and need HELP NOW!!!

Talk to your OB/Doc also about getting permission to fly while preggo if need be...consider hiring a nurse or someone to accompany you...I don't know the laws/regs for this thing but if he is having a hard time agreeing, it may be sometihng you can throw in...or have a family member fly her and go back with you....dunno. this situation sucks....I am so sorry for you...one thing sounds certain...you need to focus on you and baby 1st then deal with the test and his controlling behavior...it sends up blazing red flags for me...like I said, he sounds like an abuser...he may not have hit you but with those statements and actions, like he 'feels better when you have trouble walking or when you have asthma'?!?!?!!?!? WTF....this is crazy!!! get out...let them think you ran b/c baby wasn't his...then you can have test when things calm down...caring for a newborn is CRAZY!!! YOU WILL NEED PPL TO HELP...PERIOD...YOU WILL NEED PPL TO LOVE YOU AND SUPPORT YOU AND NOT DEGRADE YOU OR MAKE YOU DO EVERYTHING...I realize lots of mom's don't have help, I was one of them...expected to keep house spotless, cook, laundry, and care for a newborn while my c/s was healing...it sucked...I would go days without sleep and have hallucinations b/c of it...I endangered my son b/c I didn't tell him to kiss my arse and cook his own food, the house will be dirty, and he will just have to turn his undies inside out or wash them...LOL

I hope all works out for you!!!!
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Old 06-04-2012, 08:49 PM   #45
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I think you're conveniently ignoring a lot of other issues here.

1. She trusted him and stayed in the first place. There's two sides to every story, but it sounds like he hasn't ever kept up his end of the bargain.
Right, and we have only heard hers, so let's be objective, instead of jumping to conclusions.
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2. That he feels he has a right to be in the delivery room sounds domineering and controlling to me already. Like he has every intention of lording his citizenship over her to control her.
I think that's a bit if a stretch... Okay, a GIANT stretch! I would think the same can be said of someone saying their SO absolutely cannot be in the delivery room. Start a poll and see what people think. Does their SO feel they have a right to be there when their baby is born? Many men want to be there to see their child born. It doesn't make them a dictator.
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3. What sort of man first refuses to leave the apt and then threatens to press assault charges against his 40 week pregnant SO?
They were having an argument. A heated one, it sounds. If he lives there, he absolutely has every right to stay. And if she got violent, 40 weeks or not, he has the right to press charges. It may suck, but had he pushed her, even lightly, everyone would say, "that is abuse."


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Old 06-04-2012, 08:53 PM   #46
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THIS. Legally it is HER apartment, not his, so if she asked him to leave he should have. Anything else makes him one sorry S.O.B.
Not true. If you live somewhere, as in have slept there a certain number of nights and have belongings there, you legally cannot just be thrown out. Check the laws in your area, obviously, but just because your name is on a lease and his isn't doesn't mean he has no rights.

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Old 06-04-2012, 08:56 PM   #47
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Right, and we have only heard hers, so let's be objective, instead of jumping to conclusions.
I think that's a bit if a stretch... Okay, a GIANT stretch! I would think the same can be said of someone saying their SO absolutely cannot be in the delivery room. Start a poll and see what people think. Does their SO feel they have a right to be there when their baby is born? Many men want to be there to see their child born. It doesn't make them a dictator.

They were having an argument. A heated one, it sounds. If he lives there, he absolutely has every right to stay. And if she got violent, 40 weeks or not, he has the right to press charges. It may suck, but had he pushed her, even lightly, everyone would say, "that is abuse."

To the OP, I wish you the best.

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I completely agree. We are only getting one side. Not saying its not the truth, but two people see the 'truth' very differently. Lol. Plus, I have seen some pretty wild behavior from some heavily pregmant women.

I think that my husband has an equal right to see his child enter the world.
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Old 06-04-2012, 08:57 PM   #48
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Not true. If you live somewhere, as in have slept there a certain number of nights and have belongings there, you legally cannot just be thrown out. Check the laws in your area, obviously, but just because your name is on a lease and his isn't doesn't mean he has no rights.

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Again, completely correct. Lol.
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Old 06-04-2012, 09:02 PM   #49
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I completely agree. We are only getting one side. Not saying its not the truth, but two people see the 'truth' very differently. Lol. Plus, I have seen some pretty wild behavior from some heavily pregmant women.

I think that my husband has an equal right to see his child enter the world.
Right, I'm not saying what happened was okay, but I also don't think we know enough to suggest someone leave the country at 40 weeks pregnant or with a newborn. I bet a lot if people feel more secure when they're needed.

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Old 06-04-2012, 09:29 PM   #50
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MH has a right to see his son after he's born. He does not have a right to be in the delivery room.

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