Diaper Swappers

HeatherlovesCDs · 06-12-2012, 03:18 PM

I'm just feeling very sad and I just felt like I wanted to express it.

I'm pregnant with my 6th baby. This pregnancy has been clouded by worry and stress and disappointment. I hate that this is my last pregnancy. I love being pregnant and I just can't enjoy this one.

Quick rundown of what we've experienced...All my pregnancies are IVF/FET. This is no different. Before this FET cycle, I had a cycle that was negative. I lost two embryos (which I consider my babies) with that cycle and I was utterly heartbroken. Then, this cycle started out with a slightly lower beta which worried me from day one. Then we found out my progesterone was too low. It was dropping dangerously low and my body was trying hard to bleed. (I could feel it. It was so clearly gearing up to shed my lining.) It was an emergency situation to hopefully save the pregnancy. My husband had to drive 3hrs to pick up a different progesterone, in shots instead of suppositories. With no training for it, he had to start giving me shots that night. No one actually thought this was going save the pregnancy. My IVF nurse coordinators comment when I pressed her was, "This isn't your first time doing this. Your body knows what to do with a viable pregnancy." I agreed with her and we all thought I was going to miscarry. Surprisingly, my beta kept going up and AF symptoms went away. Everything seemed fine. Then, at my first u/s at 7wks to determine how many babies and viability, we discovered what appeared to be a my 3rd set of twins, but no heartbeat on the second baby. I was sent for a better u/s and an imaging center the next day. The tech would not tell me ANYTHING. I thought I saw two babies, but she refused to confirm. I finally got her to say, "well, I just see one, but the radiologist may see something different." I left feeling defeated because I knew what I saw and I've had 2 sets of twins prior to this and I felt like there were 2. 2 days later, the OB calls and says there are in fact 2! Yay!! I'm not crazy! A 3rd set of twins, and they are going to be identical!! Because the second baby was hard to see, they wanted me back for another scan a couple weeks later. At 9wks, there was clearly only one baby. I asked her about it and she told me the radiologist must have been wrong.

The next day, I went to the OB to get the report. Sure enough, one baby. There definitely was two babies with 2 heartbeats. They were going to be identical. But, I lost one.

I am devastated over this. That was at 9wks. I'm 22 now and I'm still very sad about my baby. I'm thrilled that I still have this baby, but I want my other baby too. Just to pour salt in my wound, because I had 2 for so long early on, my hCG is just as high as if I am still carrying twins. hCG stops going up around 9wks. It doesn't go down, even if you lose a twin. So, I've had the same severe nausea that I had with both previous sets of twins except that I only have one baby left.

This morning I had my "big" u/s. I was really hoping for a girl. We have 4 boys and only 1 girl. This is our last baby and I really want more girls. I want my daughter to have a sister and I just wanted another girl for other reasons too including mother/daughter type stuff which I know you aren't guaranteed but with more girls you are more likely to have it with at least one. It's another boy.

I really don't have a problem with more boys. I love boys. I love my boys and I know I will love this boy. But, this is my last pregnancy. I have no more frozen embryos (babies), no more chances for more girls. So, I'm not upset that this baby is a boy. I'm upset that I have lost my opportunity for more girls. I wouldn't want to change this baby. I want to have more. I really wanted at least 7 kids. Now, we are forced to stop at 6 even though we both want more and I only have 1 girl when I really wanted at least 2 girls.

I know it's going to be fine, but I just feel so sad about everything. I miss my baby and I miss the girl I wish I could have.

If you read all this, thank you for "listening."

PS - Believe me, I know how blessed I am to have 6 children even though we are completely infertile. Many couples would give anything to have one. But, this is where I am and I really can't help my emotions. I wish I didn't feel this way.

Fashionably Green Baby · 06-12-2012, 03:27 PM

I am sorry you are feeling sad. I would feel the same way I think. Congrats on another little boy though, you sure are outnumbered

qsefthuko · 06-12-2012, 03:32 PM

I don't think it matters how many children you have or how blessed you are. You still need to grieve the very real loss of your baby. My mother has 7 kids. I don't think if she lost one she would think,"Oh well, I still have 6 other kids so this loss doesn't mean anything." I know that although she was done having kids and already had 7 she grieved the loss of twins in early pregnancy.

MomToMyMonkeys · 06-12-2012, 05:07 PM

I think you have every right to grieve your loss and the fact that you will have no more girls. I have 5 (going on 6) kids, but I had 2 miscarraiges and I still grieve those losses.

Sent from my iPhone

jacquelinemarie82 · 06-12-2012, 05:27 PM

I was just thinking about you the past couple of days and wondering how you are. I'm sorry you haven't been able to have peace and health for this pregnancy.

I can totally sympathize with how you feel....I know there is nothing to say that can make this better. I'm sorry you lost that twin and at this time don't have an opportunity for another little girl.

I will be praying for you and hope that with more time and a newborn baby in your arms, you are able to heal from this hurt. Maybe not totally but doing better emotionally.

doodah · 06-12-2012, 05:29 PM

People grieve different things and just because someone might not understand what you have been thru, does not mean that your feelings are not valid. We all have things that we just have to learn to accept. No one has everything they ever wanted in life, all lined out perfectly. I think with time, you will be able to accept this and move forward with your life. I am sorry you are going thru this.

Paislie98 · 06-12-2012, 09:32 PM

Sorry you are feeling sad. I hope you feel better.

kcprochazka · 06-13-2012, 04:55 AM

Oh Heather - I have been there and it's not a happy place. Don't feel bad for those feelings. I also felt that this last pregnancy was a girl and you know this also started out as twins (fraternals.) When we found out that this was indeed another little boy I was very sad - not because we were having a boy but because of all the dreams I had for another little girl.

It's really hard losing a twin - in many ways it was harder for me than losing a single pregnancy. Especially when you have twins already and know the joy they bring with that special bond. I still get a twinge of jealousy when I hear of someone having twins. I will say that I don't think your body ever truly stops expecting twins. When Q was born my milk came in like it did with the twins - more of it than I could ever use for 1 baby. And I gained as much weight as I did with the boys. It was as if my body never got the memo that 1 baby didn't make it.

Now that Q is here I couldn't imagine anything else. He's the most awesome baby - sleeping 12 hours at night by 2 months and the most content little one I've ever seen. He cries if he's hungry, but other than that is completely happy. He's definitely an old soul. And it feels totally right that he's a boy. I still get sad from time to time when I think about the 2nd baby and try not to dwell on it. He will be our last for medical reasons (I had a very hard delivery with him and due to PTL issues and scar tissue on my cervix along with severe lacerations to my cervix during delivery I can't carry another baby).

Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers. It won't go away, but it WILL get better after you hold your little one in your arms. Promise. And congratulations on another beautiful boy!

psylion · 06-15-2012, 08:43 PM

You've been through a lot. You have earned the right to be sad. It's more than possible to be grateful fe the things you have but still be sad about what you don't. I hope t gets better for you soon.

3lilbubs · 06-16-2012, 10:44 AM

aw Heather.

I get it, I really do. It will take some time for you to accept it, it did for me. Please think about getting therapy now, I wish I had done it sooner. I denied myself into a nice ripe postpartum depression over it all. No judgements here, you can pm me if you ever want to vent.

06-12-2012, 03:18 PM	#1
HeatherlovesCDs Registered Users Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 8,823 Ratings: 98 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Feeling really sad I'm just feeling very sad and I just felt like I wanted to express it. I'm pregnant with my 6th baby. This pregnancy has been clouded by worry and stress and disappointment. I hate that this is my last pregnancy. I love being pregnant and I just can't enjoy this one. Quick rundown of what we've experienced...All my pregnancies are IVF/FET. This is no different. Before this FET cycle, I had a cycle that was negative. I lost two embryos (which I consider my babies) with that cycle and I was utterly heartbroken. Then, this cycle started out with a slightly lower beta which worried me from day one. Then we found out my progesterone was too low. It was dropping dangerously low and my body was trying hard to bleed. (I could feel it. It was so clearly gearing up to shed my lining.) It was an emergency situation to hopefully save the pregnancy. My husband had to drive 3hrs to pick up a different progesterone, in shots instead of suppositories. With no training for it, he had to start giving me shots that night. No one actually thought this was going save the pregnancy. My IVF nurse coordinators comment when I pressed her was, "This isn't your first time doing this. Your body knows what to do with a viable pregnancy." I agreed with her and we all thought I was going to miscarry. Surprisingly, my beta kept going up and AF symptoms went away. Everything seemed fine. Then, at my first u/s at 7wks to determine how many babies and viability, we discovered what appeared to be a my 3rd set of twins, but no heartbeat on the second baby. I was sent for a better u/s and an imaging center the next day. The tech would not tell me ANYTHING. I thought I saw two babies, but she refused to confirm. I finally got her to say, "well, I just see one, but the radiologist may see something different." I left feeling defeated because I knew what I saw and I've had 2 sets of twins prior to this and I felt like there were 2. 2 days later, the OB calls and says there are in fact 2! Yay!! I'm not crazy! A 3rd set of twins, and they are going to be identical!! Because the second baby was hard to see, they wanted me back for another scan a couple weeks later. At 9wks, there was clearly only one baby. I asked her about it and she told me the radiologist must have been wrong. The next day, I went to the OB to get the report. Sure enough, one baby. There definitely was two babies with 2 heartbeats. They were going to be identical. But, I lost one. I am devastated over this. That was at 9wks. I'm 22 now and I'm still very sad about my baby. I'm thrilled that I still have this baby, but I want my other baby too. Just to pour salt in my wound, because I had 2 for so long early on, my hCG is just as high as if I am still carrying twins. hCG stops going up around 9wks. It doesn't go down, even if you lose a twin. So, I've had the same severe nausea that I had with both previous sets of twins except that I only have one baby left. This morning I had my "big" u/s. I was really hoping for a girl. We have 4 boys and only 1 girl. This is our last baby and I really want more girls. I want my daughter to have a sister and I just wanted another girl for other reasons too including mother/daughter type stuff which I know you aren't guaranteed but with more girls you are more likely to have it with at least one. It's another boy. I really don't have a problem with more boys. I love boys. I love my boys and I know I will love this boy. But, this is my last pregnancy. I have no more frozen embryos (babies), no more chances for more girls. So, I'm not upset that this baby is a boy. I'm upset that I have lost my opportunity for more girls. I wouldn't want to change this baby. I want to have more. I really wanted at least 7 kids. Now, we are forced to stop at 6 even though we both want more and I only have 1 girl when I really wanted at least 2 girls. I know it's going to be fine, but I just feel so sad about everything. I miss my baby and I miss the girl I wish I could have. If you read all this, thank you for "listening." PS - Believe me, I know how blessed I am to have 6 children even though we are completely infertile. Many couples would give anything to have one. But, this is where I am and I really can't help my emotions. I wish I didn't feel this way. __________________ Heather SAHM to 6 who are 7 and under, including 2 sets of twins and our last little miracle, a surviving identical twin, born Oct 2012! Last edited by HeatherlovesCDs; 06-12-2012 at 03:42 PM.

06-12-2012, 03:27 PM	#2
Fashionably Green Baby Registered Users Formerly: artistmom Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Indiana Posts: 5,370 Ratings: 34 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Feeling really sad I am sorry you are feeling sad. I would feel the same way I think. Congrats on another little boy though, you sure are outnumbered __________________ When you feel like giving up, Remember why you held on so long in the first place. Swag with me! 10% off at my HC store with code: diaperswappers

06-12-2012, 03:32 PM	#3
qsefthuko Registered Users Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 6,313 Ratings: 67 Feedback: 100%	Re: Feeling really sad I don't think it matters how many children you have or how blessed you are. You still need to grieve the very real loss of your baby. My mother has 7 kids. I don't think if she lost one she would think,"Oh well, I still have 6 other kids so this loss doesn't mean anything." I know that although she was done having kids and already had 7 she grieved the loss of twins in early pregnancy.

06-12-2012, 05:07 PM	#4
MomToMyMonkeys Registered Users Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: League City, Texas Posts: 2,257 Ratings: 102 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	I think you have every right to grieve your loss and the fact that you will have no more girls. I have 5 (going on 6) kids, but I had 2 miscarraiges and I still grieve those losses. Sent from my iPhone __________________ Amy- full time WOHM mama to 5 monkeys (D-14, C-8.75, R-7.75, E-3.5, A-18m) Another monkey is coming this December! MY ISO/IHA : http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/...7#post15927157

06-12-2012, 05:27 PM	#5
jacquelinemarie82 Registered Users Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 9,143 Ratings: 266 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Feeling really sad I was just thinking about you the past couple of days and wondering how you are. I'm sorry you haven't been able to have peace and health for this pregnancy. I can totally sympathize with how you feel....I know there is nothing to say that can make this better. I'm sorry you lost that twin and at this time don't have an opportunity for another little girl. I will be praying for you and hope that with more time and a newborn baby in your arms, you are able to heal from this hurt. Maybe not totally but doing better emotionally.