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Old 08-28-2012, 11:13 PM   #1
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4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

hi all
i always knew i wanted at least 3 kids. we were good with three and then we had an unplanned surprise baby. he is 4 weeks old now and i couldn't be more in love! the pregnancy was really hard, but the birth was beautiful and it made me want to do it again (never had that feeling before!!)
dh says no way and wants to get sniped. i am only 30 and it just seems so... final.
i want to enjoy and love every minute with my newborn but it is in the back of my mind he might be the last one, and it breaks my heart.
dh won't let the issue rest, he wants to get it done soon. im still coming off the high of birth/babymoon.
what do you mamas think? one hand i feel it isn't fair to me to be done when i do not feel done, but on the other it isn't fair to him to make him bring more kids into this marriage if he doesn't want them.


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Old 08-29-2012, 12:14 AM   #2
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

I could have wrote your post a couple months ago, now that my daughter is 3 months old I am feeling more done, but hubby also hasn't pushed the getting snipped issue. I agree that is a tough one since it does seem so final. Would you be able to compromise at you getting an IUD or something like that which could be removed? My daughter was an oops and at first I wanted another and was so sad that she could be my last and that I'd never be pregnant again. My delivery went smooth, I tried for natural birth but at midnight decided I wanted the epidural, I actually pushed her out before the epidural fully set in so at first there was this part of me that thought I wanted another child because I needed to prove to myself I could do it. Then I was feeling sad for my daughter because of the 4 year gap, I have a 6 year old and 4 year old twins, so those three are super close and I was thinking how she will sort of be on her own. Then I found myself even dreaming about what my next child's name would be, she would be named after her grandmother and my best friend, as if I could guarantee it would be a girl. Plus I was sad that I'd never feel a baby in my womb again. These feelings all lasted the first 4-5 weeks. Like they were super strong feelings. Now I think I'm done, I'm remembering how miserable I was pregnant. I'm kinda digging how much I can enjoy my daughter being a baby and how nice it will be when she is older and it is just me and her hanging out while the older kids are in school. And I look at her and can see her as always being the baby of the family and how great it will be for her to have all her big brothers to protect her.

Everyone says when you are done you will know. If you don't know I'd be pretty against your husband doing something permanent, however, I just wanted to put it out there that your feelings might change like mine did. I'd still be against the vasectomy, that is a tough one.

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Old 08-29-2012, 04:34 PM   #3
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

I know what you mean. I am only 28, we have been married for 8 years and have twin toddlers and one more on the way. We got a late start due to infertility issues, it took us years to figure out what was wrong. We talked about having one more after this one and then my hubby wants to be done. He is even wavering on one more after this one. I always wanted a large family and feel like I was "robbed" of years I could have been a mommy but had infertility instead. The snip snip just seems SO final and we are still SO young. Plus we are Catholic and it is against church teachings which does bother both of us, me more then him.
What we did agree to do is wait and see the personality of this baby. Both our girls are "persistent personalities" and one is very high energy. If the next couple are easy going then why not have more? You might be able to win with that argument, just ask to wait and see but nothing final yet. I like the idea above of compromising with something not forever like NFP.
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:23 PM   #4
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

thanks for responding

that is why my dh is 'done'. our 3 year old was/is very high needs and takes a lot out of both of us. i find it funny he is done bc of her, he had been gone for all of the hard stuff! (6 months when she was a newborn then left again for deployment before she turned 2 for 15 months).
hopefully our 1 month old will change his mind
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Old 09-01-2012, 10:01 PM   #5
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

Yes, I agree with the previous posters that maybe he'd be willing to compromise with 'temporary' measures until you are both certain? I do think it's important that you both be on board for another baby, but the same should apply to deciding "no more babies ever". It's hard to make important baby decisions while still riding the new baby hormones too!!
I'm in the same done/not done debate with dh... I just keep referring to the yet-to-be- created fourth child on a regular basis (eg. how we'll do things with a fourth, saving things for them, etc) in the hopes that getting him used to the idea will make him fall in love with this baby and want them as much as me or, just want another one so that I stop talking about them.... LOL!
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Old 09-03-2012, 07:52 AM   #6
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Omg wish we could trade dhs lol...mine wants more and we have 5! But I'm home alone with them and I already have more than I can handle by myself!
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Old 09-09-2012, 05:45 PM   #7
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

I didn't feel done until this last baby(#5). DH also feels done. I was going to get a tubal ligation but he offered to have a vasectomy. We are both finally in agreement. He thought he was done at 2, I thought at three then we got two! I feel complete now!
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Old 09-12-2012, 09:31 PM   #8
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I'm 27 dh wanted to get snipped after #5 but I wasn't sure. We took the precautions until I was ready for him to get snipped. Baby5 will be 2yrs old this month and dh got his V a few months ago...although sometime between his V before the sperm test and here I am preggo. So this time I'll be getting my tubes tied cuz I know I'm done. Sorry my point...ask him to give you some time. Me and dh decided I have 3yrs to decide but I knew after #5 was a year old. This is a big thing and you guys need time....what's his rush anyways? My dh is a big baby after it no way I'd be taking care of dh and a newborn.
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Old 09-16-2012, 08:43 PM   #9
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

We also have 4 (5 and under) and DH was adamant about no more and getting snipped. I was devastated. I don't ever want to be done until my body can't have anymore. So this was a huge issue. I did show my hubs different articles of the bad side affects of getting a V and he backed away from that a little. Since he knows my own personal convictions are against any form of BC for me or getting a tubal (my beliefs have never changed and were the same when we got married) it was going to be all up to him for protection. We know from my 3rd babe that nursing any amount of time completely erases my fertility so he has yet to use protection and my youngest is almost 17mo. BUT I did not say anything (other than show him articles on V) about wanting another baby or hinting at anything although my heart ached for more even when I was still pregnant with #4. because I never pushed/persuaded/hinted/ect about my urges and sadness he would make empty statements when packing up all babes newborn clothes how it was a little sad, ect. Throughout the year. Anyways, I think time is what he needs. He still says no, but he still doesn't prevent either. Kind of contradictory, but I no in his perfect world we wouldn't have anymore. But there's like a 0.5% part of him I think that just wonders about the unknown. That probably makes no sense. But I was there. I really thought my hubs would never let me get pregnant again. Here we are 1mo. Past weaning and 4 cycles later (all of which he knows about) and he's still doing the same thing. And I ovulated last can happen. Hasn't happened for me yet, but right nOw im in a much better place than when my son was born.
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Old 09-23-2012, 09:29 PM   #10
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

My sister was in a similar situation...She wanted 4, her hubs wanted 1-2 max. After baby #2, she scheduled his vasectomy and drove him there and everything.

A lot of people have asked her why her husband has been so "unreasonable" about the issue, but what they don't know is that she could have talked him into eventually having more, even if he didn't want more. He's a nice guy, a loving husband. He just does not want more kids.

And she respects that. The way she puts it, "A child is a big deal. A BIG deal. I don't want any of our children to be something that I had to *convince* him of. It's not right if our child was not fully wanted from the start by *both* of us. It's not fair to our marriage to convince him to do something this BIG. It is a lifetime committment. It's not like painting the dining room a color he hates but finally agreed to do anyway--you can undo that. You can't undo a child."

It helped me understand her perspective when she explained it. Just food for thought, if it helps.
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