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Old 06-28-2012, 10:02 AM   #1
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Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

After 2 years of being home with my DD, we have made a much debated and waited-on choice of me going back to work M-F.

Before she was born, I just knew I would enjoy being able to be a SAHM. I felt like I was blessed to have that choice. Well, it didn't take me long to find out that it wasn't for me. I feel horrid about this- as it is going to cost us a lot of get me back into working (a new car payment, may need a second new car payment after a while, and school for DD).

The ONLY choice I feel comfortable with for DD while I am working is a Montessori school. I don't have the option of parents or family watching her, and the Montessori tour was wonderful. It looks like a place that my DD could thrive. Here is another expensive of over $600/month, though.

Long story short- who has been a SAHM and turned WOHM because they didn't feel "cut out" to be a SAHM? My DH is not happy about this, and I feel bad that I can't accept the blessing of being at home with her.

Lastly- Montessori schools. Do you have a child in one? Thoughts on Montessori? My LO will be in the 18 M to 3 years class.

Thanks so much!

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Old 06-28-2012, 10:12 AM   #2
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Don't feel guilty. I never stayed home full time, but I've been working part time MWF since DS2 was born and I don't think I could ever stay home full time. I'm ready to go to work after my days at home. I love my boys, but I'm just not a great teacher and they are shy so it's done them a lot of good to go to school. I know if I would have stayed home with DS1 kindergarten next year would have been awful, but since he is use to going to school he is actually excited that he gets to go next year.

We don't go to montisouri, but they go to a Christian school and we love it.
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Old 06-28-2012, 10:36 AM   #3
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

Don't feel guilty! I am a SAHM, and love it, but it isn't for everyone.
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Old 06-28-2012, 11:35 AM   #4
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

I have tried so hard, ladies. I am just not cut out for this. I think that my little will be okay as the school fits her personality right now, but this is costing DH and I SO much money.

I have tried so hard. Thank you for your support.
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Old 06-28-2012, 11:42 AM   #5
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

Yes, school/daycare costs a lot of money but presumably you make more than that so you come out ahead at the end of the month right? You're not paying more in car insurance, child car etc.. than you make - I hope!?

Extra money at the end of the month will provide your family with different opportunities.
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Old 06-28-2012, 11:56 AM   #6
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

I'm a teacher so my kids are home with me over the summer and during breaks and I don't think I could do it either! I would miss my job and the interaction with my co-workers.

Both my girls are in a montessori school right now and we couldn't be happier! My older DD was in a faith based daycare for the past 2 years and we moved her this last year. She started with the 2-3 1/2 year old class and then moved up to the 3 1/2 to K class in February. She has learned SO much this year so I'm glad we made the switch.

My younger DD started in the infant room at 6 months old and she is doing great as well. She'll move into the next classroom when she goes back in the fall. The teachers are amazingly caring!

I will say, expect her to be tired and cranky when you first start. When DD1 move up a class she was really frustrated because their was "work" she didn't know how to do and there were kids that were reading which she can't do. She knew all the kids and teachers, but the room was more challenging academically and it took 3-4 weeks for her to adjust.

Not sure where your are located, but $600 a month is a great price.
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:02 PM   #7
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

Will you be making less than you spend on these new costs?

Please don't feel bad that you aren't "cut out" to stay at home. It is really exhausting work. I love staying home but there are still some days when I just need a break, or doubt my abilities to continue to do this, or wonder if we'd all be better off if I was working out of the home.

Is your DH mostly unhappy about the costs involved with going back to work? Or does he want your kids home with you? Does he understand why you want to go back to work? Is he helpful when he's home?
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:18 PM   #8
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

Remember the preschool costs are time limited so if you want to go back to work, enjoy working, it will make you a happier mom which will make for a happier child, then I'd do it. $600 is a bargain here. Here it would be anywhere from $1600-2500 or more for one child. I think its worth it if you don't enjoy being home (and not everyone does - my mom could never ever stay home). To me, I like kids in some kind of preschool at 2-3 and we do preschool for the socialization and separation (well, I am the one with the separation issues).

I am not into Montessori as much as other people but for us, my kid would do far better with the structure and routine but I know a lot of kids who really like it and thrive in it. I would worry about picking a place where you are comfortable at and she seemed comfortable at over picking a particular style.

Tell your husband the costs are high for 3 years. BUT, he will have a happier wife and in 3 years it will just be before and after school care. To me, you being happier, is far more important and if you can cover your transportation, clothing and child care costs and enjoy working, then that is what you need to do. Tell him your income will go up with experience and sometimes you need to basically work for free to get to where you need to be and if he wants someone staying at home, he can do it (though I can't tell my husband that or he'd do it in a heart beat).
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:18 PM   #9
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

In regards to the question about finances- I won't be bringing home much extra money. It won't be enough to contribute to savings, have much fun time with, or plan a vacation within the year. It will primarily help as a mental boost for me and a positive, stimulating atmosphere for her. I am trying to remind myself that you cannot put a price on those things. I once called it "paying someone else to watch my child," because my income won't allow for taking much extra home.

Of course, I think Montessori will be much more than "paying for someone to watch my child," but that is not far from a logical statement for us.

kts- thanks for the advice about transitioning to school for my DD. The only expectation that I have is not to expect anything in particular for a while! I know that it might be rough for a while.

DH is more concerned about the finance aspect as it will be a new car payment, tuition, insurance raised, and we will be in a serious bind if our 100,000 + miles car causes problems with our new expenses! It is going to be an adventure. He does think that I should feel blessed to be able to stay at home. He knows a couple of friends whose wives are all too happy to do so. All I can do is explain to him that I have to do right by my child and my mental health, and hopefully he will see the proof is in the pudding soon!

In response to pcjs,

You are right- a happier mom makes for a happier child. I already get a small sense of that when I work some weekends.

Honestly, we really love the Montessori method and might follow it through for several years into elementary lower and upper. One step at a time though, right? I can't believe that school costs are so high everywhere! I live in the south right outside of a metro area. Guess that makes a huge difference.

Yea, if he wants someone staying at home, he can go for it. I think he would do a great job. He makes the most between us though, unfortunately lol.

Thanks
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ISO other mothers teaching daughters to respect themselves even in today's society!

Last edited by atria; 06-28-2012 at 12:25 PM.
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Old 06-28-2012, 01:01 PM   #10
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Re: Guilt about not being good SAHM; Montessori moms- questions!

Not everyone is cut out for it and there is nothing wrong with that. I will say that staying home with a 2 year old vs. a 3 or 4 year old I have found to be quite different. I struggled with my oldest at about 2.5-3 but after that until he went to K this year was a pleasure. He had no issues transitioning to school but we also have lots of interaction with kids and friends even when he was home. That said now my 2nd is almost 2.5 and I find her very stressful LOL! I just think certain ages are harder than others and it's okay if you need some time for you.
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