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Old 07-02-2012, 09:11 PM   #11
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Just in case anyone wondered we lived in an attached home and shared smells of everything.
I asked what they had cooked the previous day because it smelled good. He got very offended and told me it was none of my business what went on in his house and my dh should teach me some respect / put me in my place.
My stomach still does flip flops even thinking about it.
Something I considered innocent and even nice ( complimenting their cooking ) was incredibly offensive to him.

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Old 07-02-2012, 10:58 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by mommy24babes
Just in case anyone wondered we lived in an attached home and shared smells of everything.
I asked what they had cooked the previous day because it smelled good. He got very offended and told me it was none of my business what went on in his house and my dh should teach me some respect / put me in my place.
My stomach still does flip flops even thinking about it.
Something I considered innocent and even nice ( complimenting their cooking ) was incredibly offensive to him.
Fishy fishy

Sounds like he had something to hide!

I'm teasing, but I'm also not. I can't imagine a culture where it's rude to compliment cooking smells. Unless he was simply offended that you - a female - were speaking to him.
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Old 07-03-2012, 02:50 AM   #13
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Re: Opinions please abuse or different parenting?

We have a huge house and are not rich at all. My family has people clean their house weekly and they are not rich either and wish they didn't have to spend the money on cleaning... They really need it done though. Things aren't always as they appear and they may or may not be struggling financially. Very sweet of you to give a coat and helmet anonymously and also to take them in at times. I know exactly what you mean about the cold in Canadian winters as I grew up there. A spring jacket is definitely not sufficient. That's sad about the father's response to your question about cooking

As pp's said, I would find a way to say something about the carseats & helmets. Some things they really may not realize are that important.
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Old 07-03-2012, 07:34 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by EmilytheStrange

Fishy fishy

Sounds like he had something to hide!

I'm teasing, but I'm also not. I can't imagine a culture where it's rude to compliment cooking smells. Unless he was simply offended that you - a female - were speaking to him.
The jist of it was that I has no right to ask him about what happened in his house. Still don't quite understand myself.
From that point on he only wanted to speak to my dh.
Things got a bit nasty because I'm not one to stand by while someone lectures my dh about having control of his wife regardless of culture
That was actually a good part of the reason we moved.
I'm hesitant to say anything to a Neighbour again.
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Old 07-03-2012, 07:50 AM   #15
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Re: Opinions please abuse or different parenting?

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most of it sounds cultural.

but you might want to address the helmets and carseats - they just might not understand that they can get in legal trouble for it.

After that, if they want to play with your kids, they need to play by your house rules. So, that's what I'd require. With any kid. From any culture. At any age.

If you're worried about being offensive, you could probably get some pamphlets about both items from the internet or police department and leave them on their door.

As far as the clothes, well, unless the child looked bothered, I wouldn't worry. If they look cold or are shivering, then you might take a different approach.
I agree with this. When I was 5, 6, 7 I ran around outside barefoot all the time. I rode bikes without a helmet (not a law then, of course), I wore shorts in the freezing cold (just didn't get that cold then, don't know why), went to school with wet hair on freezing cold days, etc... And I was most most certainly NEVER neglected or even close!!!

As for the helmet/carseat thing... I'd just leave some educational material in their mailbox and let it go. Honestly, if the kids were suffering true neglect (no food, no care, etc...) or abuse then you should call, but otherwise it's not your place.
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Old 07-03-2012, 07:54 AM   #16
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Re: Opinions please abuse or different parenting?

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Originally Posted by mommy24babes View Post
Just in case anyone wondered we lived in an attached home and shared smells of everything.
I asked what they had cooked the previous day because it smelled good. He got very offended and told me it was none of my business what went on in his house and my dh should teach me some respect / put me in my place.
My stomach still does flip flops even thinking about it.
Something I considered innocent and even nice ( complimenting their cooking ) was incredibly offensive to him.
I know it's hard to defend a statement like that, which would have boiled my blood as well, but... you really never know what it was like where they came from, or what they have been through since they have been here in the US. Maybe they have had a hard time adjusting to the culture, maybe people have been pushy with them/pried into their lives/made them feel bad about their cultural identity. Maybe things like that have driven him over the edge of politeness and into a state of defensiveness.

Or, maybe he's truly an *** who hates women and doesn't take care of his kids. But, the point is, you don't know yet which one is occurring. Maybe you could get to know his wife? You might get a better picture of what's going on, then.
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:58 AM   #17
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I know it's hard to defend a statement like that, which would have boiled my blood as well, but... you really never know what it was like where they came from, or what they have been through since they have been here in the US. Maybe they have had a hard time adjusting to the culture, maybe people have been pushy with them/pried into their lives/made them feel bad about their cultural identity. Maybe things like that have driven him over the edge of politeness and into a state of defensiveness.

Or, maybe he's truly an *** who hates women and doesn't take care of his kids. But, the point is, you don't know yet which one is occurring. Maybe you could get to know his wife? You might get a better picture of what's going on, then.
I think that situation was with prior neighbors, correct?

I think it sounds neglectful, absolutely. I would call. Children's services is there to help people that need it - honestly, it sounds to me as if these people need the help. I don't care whether it's a cultural practice or not, if one if these kids get hit by a car or gets frostbite or flies through the windshield in a car accident, they aren't going to suffer any less just because it wasn't intentional on the parents part.
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Old 07-03-2012, 10:36 AM   #18
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I think some people are too quick with CPS. If they are doing things that are against the law, then it could conceivably be a police matter, but if I were you, I'd mind my own business just like he advised. He probably knows you're out to start trouble for his family and wants to keep you far away, as I would. I wouldn't give you the time of day if you started judging my parenting and nosing around my home.
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:34 AM   #19
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Re: Opinions please abuse or different parenting?

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Originally Posted by mommy24babes View Post
That's exactly why I started this thread
I would like to think I'm more concerned about their safety/ well being .
That's why they were here constantly until I got pregnant even though they drive me crazy.
I glossed over a few things. It gets so cold here in the winter that exposed skin freezes quickly. I'm not just talking cold but dangerously cold.
FWIW I gave a coat to the little guy anonymously as well as a helmet.

I will not talk directly to them because I don't want Neighbour drama. I unintentionally got involved in some in our last neighborhood.
Yeah, from your original post, I figured that actually talking to them was not something you were comfortable with, and I understand why - even better now, a few posts later.

I hear you about Ontario winters, too. I imagine it gets colder than it does here, and stays colder longer, so I can see why you'd be concerned.

I honestly don't know about making a call in this case. If it were me, I'd probably think & pray on it for a while longer... I also wonder what other stuff they aren't aware of. :/
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Old 07-03-2012, 11:52 AM   #20
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Re: Opinions please abuse or different parenting?

Sounds cultural to me. I would maybe mention to the kids that maybe they shouldn't be playing by nails (shoes or not) and that they should wear a helmet when riding bike to be safe. If they aren't using proper carseats and you don't want to talk to him about it, then the law will catch up to him eventually. Carseats aren't as big in other countries, and barefoot seems normal (I am normally barefoot outside).

As for the comment when you complimented him, he may come from the mindset that women or women who aren't his wife, are not suppose to speak unless he speaks first. Or maybe he was nervous/scared. So many things could be going in his mind.
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