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Old 07-04-2012, 03:59 PM   #11
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Re: Dilemma....

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As far as them being unhappy with you, they can just suck it.
LOVE THIS!

Becoming a parent, means learning to stand up for yourself and your baby. How many other things will you allow others to bully into your parenting relationship? How far do you let it go? I don't let anyone make parenting decisions for me and I don't let them to question/challenge what I do. This is one fight that might be worth picking to set the stage for future experiences.

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Old 07-04-2012, 04:08 PM   #12
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Re: Dilemma....

Haha...yeah I already returned almost all the diapers she bought me for the baby shower...and rearranged how she set things up in the room when she was here last....she will definantly notice those and know she isn't in control of that part
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Old 07-05-2012, 07:15 AM   #13
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Re: Dilemma....

I would stand up to him. The first few days (and weeks sometimes) are so hormonally charged and you are recovering down below and uncomfortable and sleep deprived...he has no idea what's about to hit you!!! My mom always stays with us and is such a relief and help to me, but I would NEVER want my mil...especially is she couldn't supportive the decisions I make concerning raising my own children. She had her chance, and you can glean wisdom from her when you choose, but forcing her views and ways on you is NOT COOL. It may cause conflict, but this is worth standing up to dh about, imo.
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Old 07-05-2012, 07:29 AM   #14
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Re: Dilemma....

I think the only person I would allow to come stay at my house to help would be my sister. (except she has 5 kids of her own and the house gets crazy when she is around.) She and I have the same beliefs and although she isn't a great house keeper she would help to keep me happy. My husband won't do much so I would love some help, it will be just like last time when I am begging him to move over and bring up laundry, begging to have him help with anything. It just happens that way. NO one ever comes over to help out or bring us meals. I had one time where some people from a site I am on brought food over to help out and it was wonderful. I was also too weak to cook and clean after a month of being on a vent, and healing from both lungs colapsing, ARDS, a 26 lb weight loss in 1 month, pneumonia, and H1N1 that started the whole downward spiral. I would be greatful if for a few weeks someone would bring food over.
I would never let my MIL come to "help out." She gives me dirty looks for just CDing, co-sleeping, and the whole cruncy lifestyle. She always talks so well of my nephew and begs to have him spend weeks at a time at her house. Recently when we asked if our 3 year old could stay overnight she made it clear she didn't want him.
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:22 AM   #15
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I can understand why you are hesitant to bring all this up with DH because of his job choice but this is about your family. When you get married you have a responsibility to your spouse to keep them happy, safe and loved. Once you have children you have to stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of your baby. He will learn this. Its hard for men. If he won't talk to your mil maybe you should. You could politely mention that since you will be a new mother you would really like it if she would let you do everything your way and while you appreciate that she wants to be involved but this is your time and you need some space. Let her know you don't mind if he comes to stay (I know you do but this is for DH) but re arranging rooms, talking about your parenting choices and offering advice when not asked is not okay. I know it's scary but sometimes it's necessary. I had to do this with my mil because DH was in Korea while I was pregnant and she was trying to take over. She still does but I ignore her as does DH.
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Old 07-05-2012, 08:58 PM   #16
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Re: Dilemma....

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I can understand why you are hesitant to bring all this up with DH because of his job choice but this is about your family. When you get married you have a responsibility to your spouse to keep them happy, safe and loved. Once you have children you have to stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of your baby. He will learn this. Its hard for men. If he won't talk to your mil maybe you should. You could politely mention that since you will be a new mother you would really like it if she would let you do everything your way and while you appreciate that she wants to be involved but this is your time and you need some space. Let her know you don't mind if he comes to stay (I know you do but this is for DH) but re arranging rooms, talking about your parenting choices and offering advice when not asked is not okay. I know it's scary but sometimes it's necessary. I had to do this with my mil because DH was in Korea while I was pregnant and she was trying to take over. She still does but I ignore her as does DH.
This. If you really can't get out of her coming to stay YOU need to be blunt withher. The fact that she's rearranging rooms is NOT OKAY. Tell your DH that if he won't tell her how it is you will and you have every right to. Ask him how he'd feel if your mother came to stay for a week after pushing a bowling ball out of his pee hole plus his nipples leaking god kows what and blood coming out of god knows where.

What about her coming to stay a few weeks after baby is born? Once you're more settled? If she does come to stay, regardless of when, make sure you have your steel spine on and don't take any crap. Maybe she won't want to stay after that lol
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:01 PM   #17
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Re: Dilemma....

If she's as bad as she sounds, I would tell DH that if they won't be staying elsewhere that YOU and baby WILL be. You have every right to enjoy these first few weeks and be able to learn as you go without someone up your butt the whole time.
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Old 07-05-2012, 09:13 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by crunchymom2b
If she's as bad as she sounds, I would tell DH that if they won't be staying elsewhere that YOU and baby WILL be. You have every right to enjoy these first few weeks and be able to learn as you go without someone up your butt the whole time.
This for sure. Not that I think it's right for you to essentially be forced out of your own home, but it's also not acceptable for them to force themselves on you. And your husband should at least attempt to see things your way. And honesty I he doesn't-pull out the "I just pushed YOUR baby out" card and pull rank.
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Old 07-05-2012, 10:00 PM   #19
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Re: Dilemma....

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Unfortunatly I am already in "deep water" with them because I had my baby shower an extra 45 minutes from where we live, so it was over 3 hours for them to go...and they havent quite got over that yet either....gotta love in-laws....
Uhm, if YOUR shower was an extra distance for them it shouldn't matter... it was YOUR shower & about YOU & YOUR BABY, not how far or close people have to travel... they still had a CHOICE to attend or not... just my .

Okay, take this from a veteran mama here expecting #4... I have told DH NOT to allow his mother to come until the baby is AT LEAST 2 WEEKS old... AT LEAST... she will come from out of state, so she will want to stay for longer stretches (as in a whole day )... I am NOT having someone interfere w/US bonding w/OUR new baby & sibling to our other DC. An hour - 1 1/2 hour visit is what I will tell people they can stay for if they come before I am ready for longer stretches.

We also have food sensitivities now, so I don't want people expecting ME to cook/buy food for them... yes, that REALLY happened after #3!! People came over & expected US to provide a meal... for a 2 hour visit after I HAD A BABY!!! One even had the nerve to insist we spend an extra $5 on cheesy garlic bread... we have never even indulged ourselves on a $5 order of cheesy garlic bread & would NEVER dream of telling someone they HAD to order it for us... DH was dumbfounded & ordered it... he just honestly didn't even know how to handle it/what to say, so to avoid a blow-out in our home, he bit the bullet, but I can assure you, NOT again!!

Also, I will NOT leave the room to nurse as I am in MY home & can nurse in stealth mode now , but I honestly never did w/#1 either even when I was learning the ropes... I only had so many places to go in our house & if people came over I wasn't going to hike the stairs when I was supposed to stay put just so they would feel comfortable.

Not to sound snarky, but honestly... MY house, MY new baby, & I was supposed to rest & not be going up & down stairs... I had (& will this time too) my little "mama nest" set up in our family room on the couch... whomever comes over will be entering MY nest/MY zone, so if they don't like it, they can make their visit even shorter, I guess.

I found/still find it especially irritating when people come over & tell me how I am screwing my baby up by nursing as needed, changing dipes that "just" have pee in them (yeah, seriously!), keep my newbie in my arms and/or at my side pretty much 24/7 (or in DH's arms) for as long as WE see fit as the PARENTS.

Also, stay in jammies... that has been the best advice ever!! You can also throw a robe over your clothes if you'd rather, but it helps remind people you are relaxing & recovering.

It really sounds like you have a fantastic DH, who may not always stand up to his parents, but it sure sounds like he adores you & really, truly wants to put your wishes 1st (I say that in response to his job choice & how you felt about it)... so I think if you really talk to him & give him time to really think & digest things, he may wise up. I know this because I have an incredible DH too... he used to not be able to stand up to his mother AT ALL... now, after many years of marriage, he is WAY better at it. He told his mother on his own, that she needs to wait until at least 2 weeks after the DUE date to come visit when baby comes... I then extended it to at least 2 weeks after the BIRTH, which may be harder to handle because babies come when they will & she needs to book her plane tix ahead of time, so I am going to tell her not to come for a good 4 weeks after my DUE DATE, so if I go 2 + weeks "late" again (please, no!! LOL), we will still have a buffer... & while I want a full 2 weeks alone for our family, I do understand she has to order her tix, so I will try & not be impossible, yet I will be firm.

MY MIL INSISTED she was coming in for the birth of #2... she asked when she should come in & I told her (40 - 40 1/2 weeks)... did she listen?!?! NOOOOOOO!!!!! Not even close... she came in 2 weeks BEFORE my DD & the pressure to have the baby was horrible... I knew she was staying for 2 weeks, so I thought 40 1/2 would give a few days before baby would come as our doc said most babies come at 40 w & 6 days...

Anyway, MIL left at 40 w & 6 d... guess who went into labor AS MIL WAS GETTING ON THE PLANE?!?! YEP, I sure did... 40 weeks & 6 days I went into labor at the same time she was boarding her plane... I really think the pressure to perform was gone & baby felt the pressure relief, so she decided to make her debut!!

Follow your intuition & I'd get advice from veteran mamas because they know the needs, feelings, etc. a new mom (whether it be your 1st or not, but especially your 1st because you'll feel awkward enough) will experience... I WISH someone would have told me about wanting to bond for 2 weeks when #1 came... we had SO many visitors & 2 weeks later was Christmas... I bawled my eyes out on Christmas because everybody kept holding the baby & it was the 1st time she was away from me...I was overwhelmed... I spent her 1st Christmas stuck in a freezing cold bedroom the size of a closet somewhere else so I could nurse so everybody ELSE would feel comfy... not again... DH walked in to find me in the dark because someone shut the light off not knowing I was in there & I couldn't tell them I was in there because I would wake DD who was sleeping in my arms... I didn't want to wake her & have people take her away again.

Best wishes & try to explain things to DH... he has nothing to compare it to either, so he just doesn't "get it" right now!! My DH was the same way... but he sure GOT IT after #2 was born... LOL. Maybe you can reach a happier medium w/your DH for #1 .
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Old 07-05-2012, 10:11 PM   #20
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Re: Dilemma....

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This. If you really can't get out of her coming to stay YOU need to be blunt withher.
ITA, but I have to say that SOME people just don't get it no matter what you say to them, like my MIL... you say one thing & they hear what they WANT to hear & follow suit... I recently told mine she can come over at 1pm (she's coming for a visit before baby comes) AFTER we have finished school... so on the phone she says, "So I can come between 12pm & 1pm?!?" UHM, NO!!!! I then said, "Actually 1pm OR LATER!!!!!" just to get my point across that she needs to be here NO EARLIER than 1pm!!

Sigh... if she comes earlier & interrupts school, lunch, etc. I will throttle her!! W/having to cook for allergies I don't have the patience to cook for her too... she doesn't like 1/2 the stuff we eat, so I opted to just avoid all of the stress & have her come AFTER school & lunch. As it is, I feel like crap w/hyperemesis... as if I need to worry about hurrying through school & feeding one more person... especially when she doesn't like what we eat & I don't want her bringing her own food in our house because of the huge risk of cross contamination / an allergy reaction... not worth it...

Anyway, just be firm & I would DEF forewarn DH that you will be HORMONAL, guaranteed... your mama hormones will be flooding you, so his mother has best not screw w/you or your furniture!! LOL
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