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Old 07-06-2012, 12:35 PM   #1
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I am tired of the LIES!!

Ugh. Short history: DSD (12) is from a previous short lived relationship of DH's when he was younger (19ish). She has lived with us always and I got with DH when she was 2. When she was 4 she made up a horrible story of abuse by the stepfather (bio mom's husband) and kept it going until last summer. We didn't let her around stepfather for years until she admitted she had made the whole thing up and then made our side look like evil people who MADE her say all that stuff

Forward to this summer when she goes to visit bio mom. I told her not to even THINK about causing that man any trouble. Well she was sent back early. Her mom tried to send her back to us on day 3 (she lives in NJ we live in VA so 8 hour trip). We told bio mom to please try to get along and make it work since DSD wanted to be up there with her for the whole summer. Turns out bio mom then tried to fly her to her mother in FL by herself and have her mother keep her the whole summer instead of bio mom. Nice, right? DSD didn't want to go to her grandmas because she basically tries to brainwash her anytime she is around her. DSD has also told the lies to grandma about us and then we have had to deal with CPS every single year. Really unfair.

So I have Mobiflock on DSD phone "just in case". I periodically check it but not too serious about it. I just usually glance and make sure everything is "normal" for a preteen and no sexting etc. WELL, because I had a feeling she would be trying to get some attention since her mom has basically shipped her out because she couldn't deal with her (story of poor DSD's life) I see where she has texted a friend and made up another story. It doesn't even make SENSE. She said step father would come into her room (she doesn't have one there she slept on the living room floor ) and scream at her to GET OUT and GO HOME (I know for a fact bio mom was there all the time since she just had spinal surgery) and that he would come and kick her in the middle of the night then run upstairs to bio mom and tell her that he was using the bathroom and come back down and continue to kick her in the side. Once she said "He thought I was asleep and then I squeeled in pain, but god only knows what he would have done if he thought i was awake" She said SEVERAL things that just didn't make any sense...

I have come to the conclusion that she is pretty good at making up dramatic stories to get people stirred up and obviously to get attention from friends and the like...

IDK what to do. I don't want to tell DH because he will automatically believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I had always backed her up on the initial "story" of physical abuse about stepfather until last year she told everyone on that side I MADE her say all those things and made her lie to the counselor etc etc and it's just NOT true. I had told her repeatedly IF she were lying the truth needed to be told because it would cause problems if she was lying.

What should I do? How can I talk to her about it. She is 12 and if I confront her with the truth she will either say she didn't say all that stuff to her friend (even though I have the copy of text messages) or that he did. I do not feel as though he did anything to her. That is my GUT feeling. I'm not being a witch here but I KNOW DSD and I KNOW how much she has been lying about even small things lately. This really bugs me

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Old 07-06-2012, 12:41 PM   #2
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Re: I am tired of the LIES!!

I think you need to find out WHY she's lying. Is it for attention? Is it because she's feeling unheard? It sounds like she's been abandoned emotionally by her biomom which is hard for a 12 year old (and younger) to process.

I don't know that I would even get angry at her for lying...just ask her why this was said when you know it not to be true and to please come clean with you. Maybe look into counseling with this on the table.

I would never write her off, because clearly something is bothering her, but I wouldn't ignore her or just punish her for this, either.
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:57 PM   #3
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Re: I am tired of the LIES!!

I've had kids like this as students. My initial (teacher opinion, not a mental health professional) is she may have developed a borderline personality. (Marilyn Monroe is probably the most famous probable borderline.) Get a copy of I Hate You; Don't Leave Me, and see if it rings any bells. Even if it doesn't, I'd strongly suggest seeing a psychologist or licenced clinical social worker. You can't solve this on your own, and you shouldn't have to
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Old 07-06-2012, 01:27 PM   #4
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Re: I am tired of the LIES!!

Can a four year old that has NOT been abused really make up that kind of stuff?
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Old 07-06-2012, 01:28 PM   #5
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Re: I am tired of the LIES!!

Learning how to lie to such extremes at age four is clearly a sign of a mental health concern.

It actually sounds to me like Biomom should have much limited visitation. Doesn't seem like she is making ANYthing in DSD's life positive right now. Perhaps some of the issues would resolve this way, but I do believe looking into a diagnosable mental health disorder is plausible.

I'm sorry Mama. My family had some encounters with DSS due to lies as well.
When I was about her age I began pathological lying. It is actually quite a terrifying and out of control experience. If you would like to PM me you can, maybe I could provide some insight.
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:02 PM   #6
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Re: I am tired of the LIES!!

I don't think it was a sexual abuse accusation, but physical abuse. (Hitting, kicking, etc.) I would think a four year old could make up a story of being hit based on a tv show she had seen.
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:17 PM   #7
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Re: I am tired of the LIES!!

could it be possible that the abuse DID happen and when confronted by the other side she felt corned to lie and say you coached her to say that? if not there is some serious underlining issue as to why she is lying. to me it sounds like she is crying out for some serious attention. my step sister was the same way tho not that extreem. would lie about being called names by my mother ect. She constantly wanted outsiders to think her life was so terrible and to feel sorry for her. she clearly is not getting the emotional attention she desires and i think more in depth counseling would benefit her.
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Old 07-06-2012, 07:17 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by luvthefluff
could it be possible that the abuse DID happen and when confronted by the other side she felt corned to lie and say you coached her to say that? if not there is some serious underlining issue as to why she is lying. to me it sounds like she is crying out for some serious attention. my step sister was the same way tho not that extreem. would lie about being called names by my mother ect. She constantly wanted outsiders to think her life was so terrible and to feel sorry for her. she clearly is not getting the emotional attention she desires and i think more in depth counseling would benefit her.
Yes sometimes it seems like this. Sometimes she acts REALLY ditzy for attention and sometimes shell just stand there and stare at you and not respond when you speak to her and act like she never even heard. Its a little strange in my opinion.

I would and have never abandoned her. I mean obviously im the only REAL mother figure in her life. So I don't think me giving up on her is an option lol. Her bio mom does not love her in the way of a mother.

It hurts me that she lies. I am not perfect but her behavior is a constant concern. We have 4 kids but that is life. Thats not going anywhere kwim. She gets no less attentionn than anyone else in this house.

I an going to look into counseling. I'm afraid she will fake them out. Her mother has been In counseling for years and has a strong history of lying and also playing the victim role. I don't know that that would be hereditary. But there are some that prefer to play the victim.

Ughhhh! I thought now that bio mom had joint custody and showed interest in getting her things would get better not worse.

I did gear a couple of times when dsd would pout about something and then get her way she said to her dad yeah im good at getting my way...
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Old 07-06-2012, 07:19 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by luvthefluff
could it be possible that the abuse DID happen and when confronted by the other side she felt corned to lie and say you coached her to say that? if not there is some serious underlining issue as to why she is lying. to me it sounds like she is crying out for some serious attention. my step sister was the same way tho not that extreem. would lie about being called names by my mother ect. She constantly wanted outsiders to think her life was so terrible and to feel sorry for her. she clearly is not getting the emotional attention she desires and i think more in depth counseling would benefit her.
I always had a feeling she was lying initially but I backed her up because she was my baby. but her story was not consistent.
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Old 07-06-2012, 07:26 PM   #10
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Re: I am tired of the LIES!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by justjacqueline View Post
Yes sometimes it seems like this. Sometimes she acts REALLY ditzy for attention and sometimes shell just stand there and stare at you and not respond when you speak to her and act like she never even heard. Its a little strange in my opinion.

I would and have never abandoned her. I mean obviously im the only REAL mother figure in her life. So I don't think me giving up on her is an option lol. Her bio mom does not love her in the way of a mother.

It hurts me that she lies. I am not perfect but her behavior is a constant concern. We have 4 kids but that is life. Thats not going anywhere kwim. She gets no less attentionn than anyone else in this house.

I an going to look into counseling. I'm afraid she will fake them out. Her mother has been In counseling for years and has a strong history of lying and also playing the victim role. I don't know that that would be hereditary. But there are some that prefer to play the victim.

Ughhhh! I thought now that bio mom had joint custody and showed interest in getting her things would get better not worse.

I did gear a couple of times when dsd would pout about something and then get her way she said to her dad yeah im good at getting my way...
you know...my older sister was VERY difficult like this as well growing up...she had bizaare temper tantrums as a toddler (not your average temper tantrum) lied all the time as an adolensent. went thro many councelors (who she would lie to so they would think she lived in a difficult home)...in her early twenties she was diagnosed as bi polar and recently with boarderline personality disorder. Not saying thats what your DSD has..but could she have a dormant mental illness maybe that usually doenst come out till early adulthood? i have done tons of research on boaderline personality disorder and one symptom that really stuck out for me (in my sister) is making things up just to watch the reaction/drama unfold. people with BLPD feed on chaos and whatching it happen. my sister still to this day will come home and pick fights with various members of the family just to cause drama. or was always in the middle of rumors at shcool and spreading them to watch other people argue amongst each other. hopefully you guys get to the root of the problem...some people automatically think they are seeking something they are not receiving, abandonment issues, abuse..when sometimes its none of the above but that young teens and adults have some kind of mental illness and is super hard to diagnose early on...just my thoughts on a different approach..however not saying this could be the problem just throwing thoughts out there
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