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Old 07-08-2012, 10:39 PM   #31
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I'm so sorry mama! That is awful. Your DS sounds a lot like my 14 month old DD. I do what you did, and stay in the nursery with her. Sometimes I leave for a few minutes and she usually screams and cries, so I come back.

I understand the pressure to leave her. I have felt it from some people, but nothing like what you experienced. I would talk to someone. Is there a children's pastor, or someone who oversees the nursery workers. Her behavior was way out of line and I would be livid.

to you and your DS.


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Old 07-08-2012, 10:50 PM   #32
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

Not acceptable. I would process it really well with your DH, write down your concerns, and set up a meeting with the woman. Don't go alone, take someone along who will completely support you. It's hard sometimes to stick to your guns, even when you know you are right, when you are dealing with a person like you described in your first post. Hopefully, that will be enough to set her straight with regard to how your son is to be taken care of. Like PP said, the biblical model for confrontation should be followed. If you can't resolve it, find a new church.

FWIW, not one of my 5 children would stay in the nursery alone until at least age 2. It was inconvenient, for sure, but I would rather skip the service than leave my baby to cry in an unfamiliar environment with an unfamiliar person, no matter how caring that person is. I will say that pretty much everyone whom I've ever encountered in the nursery in all of the churches we've attended has been understanding of our children's needs. If I wasn't welcome in the nursery, I would either not attend church, or I would stay in the service with a noisy child. Babies are only babies for a brief period of life, so why in the world would we want to force them to grow up so fast?
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Old 07-08-2012, 11:43 PM   #33
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

Originally Posted by sunnymommy View Post
I agree with a pp that said you need to speak with her about it. This may not be so, but it sounded from your post like you were too shocked and needing time to process everything to have said something to her at the time? If you did not than the biblical model would be when you have something against your brother to go to him first and not someone else about it - even the pastor. That comes in a later step if you do not get anywhere. I know it's harder, but I think the higher path than emailing the pastor and having no further interaction. I think it's possible that she has no idea that anything she did was upsetting. If she did she wouldn't have been describing it in detail to you and encouraging you to use her methods. Perhaps she is still under the impression that she has been immensely helpful. To go right over her head to complain about her to the pastor without even speaking with her about it does not seem nice/right.

eta: But, I am in total agreement with you about the situation being totally inappropriate and your feelings are very valid. Is she a parent? It sounds like her understanding of age appropriateness is way off. Poor little guy, sorry for his first experience in the nursery being so sad. And I have also had moments where I gave in and did not follow my "Mommy instinct" and severely regretted it. You are a good momma.
I can see your point here, but I think we are looking at that scripture (Matthew 18, right?) from different perspectives. I have always understood the "sin" in verse 15 as referring to a person who is actively sinning (like "living in sin"), either knowingly or without realizing it. I believe the desire for privacy arose from the possibility of having to ask the person in question to leave the church if they did not change their ways. In this case, we aren't talking about continual deliberate sin, and we aren't necessarily talking about a personal affront, either. I believe the greater issue here is the concern for the type of care that OP's little one has been receiving while under the care of the church, and the attitude projected from the nursery workers in general toward OP, regarding her parenting. Given that it involves several people already, it should be addressed by someone in authority.
In any case, I think the woman made it very clear from the beginning that she has little to no regard for KingsDaughter76/Kellina's parenting style, and no desire to have a constructive dialog. Thus, I believe it is appropriate to involve someone else at this point.
Regardless of OP's expectations of the outcome, I think she really needs to speak to someone in authority, because most of the Children's Pastors/Directors I have known would rather be made aware of the situation, especially of this person is inadvertently turning people off to the church or Children's Ministry.

Disclaimer: I'm not a pastor, and I haven't studied that bit of scripture in a while, so I am totally open to being wrong. I just think this is a different sort of situation.
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Old 07-09-2012, 12:19 AM   #34
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I am so sorry that you and your son has to go through this today.

Reading what this woman put your baby through (because he is still very much a BABY) makes me feel the urge to throw up.

I admire you for not punching her. I probably would have.

Everyone else gave great and adult advice. Me? Honestly? I hate confrontation. I would write a very detailed letter to whoever might care and never go back to that church. And maybe egg her house.
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Old 07-09-2012, 07:36 AM   #35
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

I agree with many of the others. Please do speak with the pastor or children's minister. It sounds like your lo is a higher needs baby, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And, his anxiety is not unusual for his age at all, IMO. I would have been livid in your situation, as well, and the church administrators need to be aware of the problem. I disagree with some of the others who suggest you speak directly to the nursery worker, and here is why... this is a highly emotional topic for you, and she obviously thinks she did the "right" thing. Thus, I don't see a path to agreement for the two of you without some type of intervention by a third party. I think if you two talked about it together without mediation, it would end in an ugly argument because of the honest emotions involved. I say that because if it were my child, no matter how well I processed my thoughts in advance, I would be likely to jump all over someone at the slightest provocation if I were having this sort of conversation.

I hope the situation is handled in a way that meets your needs, mama, and that you can move forward with peace, either in this church or another one. And, don't feel horrible about yourself as a mom. It was one day. Your lo will forget about it and move on, and you should, also.

FWIW, my lo did not like to stay in the nursery either, until he was older. We just didn't go to church much, as a result. The nursery workers (most of whom I know and love) kept telling me that I needed to get him used to it. I just ignored them, smiled and nodded, and sat with him in the foyer or the nursing room during the service if I needed to, rather than occupy the nursery (where you can't hear the sermon in our church, anyway). Somewhere around 15 -18 months we started tapering off by leaving him in the nursery after playing with him in there for 30 minutes or so. He did cry when we would first leave him, but he would stop very quickly. Our church has a policy to come get parents if a child cries for very long (like maybe 10 minutes?--sort of like the YMCA policy). Now, much to our great relief, at 2 years old we are able to drop him off and he goes right to playing, no tears, and he knows his friends in the nursery.

Oh--another thing that helped us alot--the nursery workers give a snack the minute parents drop off the kids--that keeps them occupied and distracted while the parents "sneak out"
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Old 07-09-2012, 10:10 AM   #36
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

Ok, I did not read all the replies but I have been a nursery worker and also 2 & 3 ss teacher for about 20 Yeats now. Never ever would I allow this kind of disapline to a child! You need to go to the Sunday school leader.the one she answers to and tell them and if nothing is done find a new church.
I always allow parents to stay if needed. I listen to the parent and learn the best way to interact with "they're " child. I never let them cry long and hold them when needed. I try yo find what interests that child. Even if it throws our routine off.
If the child is not happy, mom and dad are not happy.
SS this happen and your not a bad mommy. (((Hugs)))
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Old 07-09-2012, 10:16 AM   #37
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

It sounds to me like they felt the need to "fix" your son even though he isn't in need of fixing. Busy bodies like that really bother me.

I would suggest what others have said. Talk with the SS/CC leader and find out if this is acceptable. In my church, we are not allowed to discipline in any way besides time-outs for children who attempt to or harm other children. They prefer we just get the parents and let them handle it.

Honestly though, I would say that if this type of parenting is prevalent in your church, I would find a new one. If there is a such a distinct difference in parenting strategies, you may find it hard to find someone in the church that thinks/does things like you. I would hate for you to be told constantly that you're damaging your baby, leading you to second guess yourself. That just isn't right mama.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up because of what is already done. Learn from the experience and move on. (HUGS)
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Old 07-09-2012, 10:41 AM   #38
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

Originally Posted by ktmelody View Post
Wow. You are a strong woman. I would have been trying so hard not to slap her.
I would report it to the church and if she has to be licensed to take care of kids I would report it to the state as well. Then I would find a new church.

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Old 07-09-2012, 10:42 AM   #39
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Re: Your thoughts please..... and support

hate to say it, but, her pressuring you into leaving him and the idea that parents don't usually stay with their kids in that nursery (which is completely opposite of every church nursery experience I have ever had) makes me seriously question what, exactly, is going on in there that she doesn't want parents to see.

My first thought, too.

No advice, just hugs. The fact that she thought she was helping you with an attached child is mind-boggling, too. Who does that to a child and then tells the parents what they did like it was no big deal?
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Old 07-09-2012, 11:06 AM   #40
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Wow I would have punched her. We all mess up and that's what this was. You second guessed yourself and hopefully now you can clearly say "he's MY son and I know what's best. Back the f off!"
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