Has anyone adopted an older child?

[TalkinBoutMyGirl]

By older I am talking 8-10 being the oldest child I would consider taking. I have a 3.5 year old DD but I want to give her a sibling. A bio child isn't a possibility right now. I would be adopting drom foster care through another agency (not DHS). These kids would all be labeled "special needs" due to dx, age, or being a sibling set. That does not mean that they are severely special needs though (or sn at all). So tell me about your experiences adopting an older child and those with "sn".

[pcjs]

Most are going to be special needs due to either their upbringing, prenatal issues/family genetics/substance abuse in utero, and just for the fact of begin removed from their home, to me qualifies them as special needs as its not like placing a newborn who doesn't know better (depending on how you look at it). Its doable and many people do it and if you want to go for it. The other neat thing I've seen is people do international older kids, especially from the asian countries and its been very successful as many (not all) are well cared for. Just know you're going to be in for a tuff transition and if you can make it through that which you probably can, then hopefully all will work out.

[TalkinBoutMyGirl]

Originally Posted by pcjs Most are going to be special needs due to either their upbringing, prenatal issues/family genetics/substance abuse in utero, and just for the fact of begin removed from their home, to me qualifies them as special needs as its not like placing a newborn who doesn't know better (depending on how you look at it). Its doable and many people do it and if you want to go for it. The other neat thing I've seen is people do international older kids, especially from the asian countries and its been very successful as many (not all) are well cared for. Just know you're going to be in for a tuff transition and if you can make it through that which you probably can, then hopefully all will work out.

The reason I am choosing the agency I am is because there is virtually no cost. I don't have the $ to spend on an adoption. I do realize that the children will have some problems regardless. I was just pointing out that they won't all be what people typically think of when you say sn.

[pcjs]

Originally Posted by TalkinBoutMyGirl The reason I am choosing the agency I am is because there is virtually no cost. I don't have the $ to spend on an adoption. I do realize that the children will have some problems regardless. I was just pointing out that they won't all be what people typically think of when you say sn.

Most are going to come with some significant issues. It isn't typical special needs and some are but its very different. If you feel you can handle it, go for it. I'd probably go for a girl vs. a boy with your daughter. That's my only strong advice beyond run what every you are doing by us. I'm sure we'll have strong opinions, usually in full support.

Welcome to the board!

[TalkinBoutMyGirl]

Originally Posted by pcjs Most are going to come with some significant issues. It isn't typical special needs and some are but its very different. If you feel you can handle it, go for it. I'd probably go for a girl vs. a boy with your daughter. That's my only strong advice beyond run what every you are doing by us. I'm sure we'll have strong opinions, usually in full support. Welcome to the board!

Thanks mama!

[luvbeingmomma]

Most people will tell you not to adopt a child older than your dd. I would agree.

[TalkinBoutMyGirl]

Originally Posted by luvbeingmomma Most people will tell you not to adopt a child older than your dd. I would agree.

Ok well why?

[Ontariomama]

1 so you don't disrupt the birth order. It is hard for a child to go from an only or oldest to having older siblings. It would be a "natural" progression to become an older sister. It's the general "rule" with fostering and adoption to maintain birth order. Obviously with a baby it wouldn't matter as they would grow up having the older sibling but with a preschooler, you'd not only have the new child with transitioning and acting out but also your dd would be acting out to maintain her "alpha" position in the family.

2- keeping new children younger than yours tends to lessen the likelihood of your dd being abused. Won't guarantee (I know) but it is much more likely bringing an older child in as they will have been exposed to much more - and do NOT count on the agency to tell you everything...

[TalkinBoutMyGirl]

Originally Posted by Ontariomama 1 so you don't disrupt the birth order. It is hard for a child to go from an only or oldest to having older siblings. It would be a "natural" progression to become an older sister. It's the general "rule" with fostering and adoption to maintain birth order. Obviously with a baby it wouldn't matter as they would grow up having the older sibling but with a preschooler, you'd not only have the new child with transitioning and acting out but also your dd would be acting out to maintain her "alpha" position in the family. 2- keeping new children younger than yours tends to lessen the likelihood of your dd being abused. Won't guarantee (I know) but it is much more likely bringing an older child in as they will have been exposed to much more - and do NOT count on the agency to tell you everything...

I know some know this but I work for DHS so I am not ignorant to the things that go on. I actually know a lot about the agency I'll go through so I'm not worried about all the horror stories about agencies.

So for the birth order thing...if I bring in a child older than DD that's all DD will know. I think the benefit this child would receive from being in my home would far outweigh my DDs need to be in the "alpha" position. It's also not like one day some kid is just gonna move in. We would be given a chance to get to know the child and monitored for months before actual adoption.

I'd really love to hear from families who have adopted an older child please.

[Lexy]

I have a friend that has adopted a sibling set (older) and not all at one time. Although they had no "physical" special needs...it has and still is a very tough road to take for both parent and child. Intense couceling and list of help in school and just being in the system
Period has given them major emotional/mental issues. Granted she loves them to pieces, and were good kids, the hurt/abandonment they've felt in their past is still a daily struggle for them 2yrs. Later. Doable, of course. Once a year is under your belt, just as easy as raising your own child from birth, heck no. You don't seem very open to people's opinions that contradict what you are wanting to hear though. I also want to adopt an older child so I get it, but it's not something i am going to do right now because of how many years it can take to get stability and at the expense of our own children right now. But go for it if you want. Hopefully someone with first hand experience will chime in with what you're wanting to hear.