Has anyone adopted an older child?

[Ontariomama]

Originally Posted by TalkinBoutMyGirl I know some know this but I work for DHS so I am not ignorant to the things that go on. I actually know a lot about the agency I'll go through so I'm not worried about all the horror stories about agencies. So for the birth order thing...if I bring in a child older than DD that's all DD will know. I think the benefit this child would receive from being in my home would far outweigh my DDs need to be in the "alpha" position. It's also not like one day some kid is just gonna move in. We would be given a chance to get to know the child and monitored for months before actual adoption. I'd really love to hear from families who have adopted an older child please.

We did adopt an older child.

[megs715]

I adopted a 9 (nearly 10) yr old boy in 2003. It has been and continues to be a very hard road. I am a little leary of posting on the public forum (though I did the other day and then went and deleted it ) but am happy to answer questions via pm if you'd like.

[TalkinBoutMyGirl]

Originally Posted by Ontariomama We did adopt an older child.

Ok then would you like to share your experience? That's what's I would truly like to hear.

[TalkinBoutMyGirl]

Originally Posted by megs715 I adopted a 9 (nearly 10) yr old boy in 2003. It has been and continues to be a very hard road. I am a little leary of posting on the public forum (though I did the other day and then went and deleted it ) but am happy to answer questions via pm if you'd like.

Thanks mama...I'll pm you!

[13kittycats]

Originally Posted by Ontariomama 1 so you don't disrupt the birth order. It is hard for a child to go from an only or oldest to having older siblings. It would be a "natural" progression to become an older sister. It's the general "rule" with fostering and adoption to maintain birth order. Obviously with a baby it wouldn't matter as they would grow up having the older sibling but with a preschooler, you'd not only have the new child with transitioning and acting out but also your dd would be acting out to maintain her "alpha" position in the family. 2- keeping new children younger than yours tends to lessen the likelihood of your dd being abused. Won't guarantee (I know) but it is much more likely bringing an older child in as they will have been exposed to much more - and do NOT count on the agency to tell you everything...

I would agree. Our son we adopted was older than our youngest, but it did not change the birth order according to Dr. Kevin Lehman. I am very watchful of signs of abuse also. Please read birth order books by dr. lehman. Good Luck

[luvsviola]

Our friends adopted an 11 year old from Korea (had two younger adopted Korean children in the family 6 and 4 when she came here). It was and still is very hard. She was the youngest before she was adopted, and very much babied. She acted younger than her age, and continues to act out. At that point, she did not bond with her adoptive parents very well, and was constantly in trouble at school. She eventually dropped out against her parents wishes, and ran away. Now, she is 25, and still they have a rocky relationship and her daughter is finally going back working on a GED, and working part time at the mall.

When we were fostering to adopt, her mom constantly counseled me to maintain birth order. This is a strong family, and an award winning teacher in our school district who can relate to kids. But adopting a child much older than her other two completely destroyed the family dynamics, and the older child did not rise to the occasion of being the oldest at all.

[-Blair-]

Adopting an older child is extremely stressful on every member of the family. I highly encourage you to start reading blogs about children with RAD.

It really tested our marriage.

[Mama2ManyBoyz]

So I don't want to take over the thread, but while you're all voicing concerns about adopting an older child out of birth order.....what about adopting a girl you've had since age 5 when our boys are 12, 7, 2, and 1?

[3 ladybugs]

My father adopted my youngest sister when she was 4 from China. She is currently 8, almost 9. My other sister is 2 years older then her and also adopted from China (but she was 10 months when she came over).

It was hard because of the language issue (she only knew mandarin) but other then that she has integrated well into our family. She was also know as a "special needs" child but honestly her "special need" is bad medical care in China. Here in the states her "issue" is easy to treat and will not hinder her really in any way.

I know she isn't as old as your talking about but she was considered older and special needs so I thought I would point out that it does work for some families. Mine is one of them!

Good luck!

[sillyutalktome]

We've fostered three children older than our dd. Our first two had extreme problems due to the environment they were raised in. The third was a complete joy and so much fun to have in our home. He was also the oldest we've fostered at 7. My daughter has always seemed fine with placements being older or younger than her. The only issue has been when they are too close in age to her or their developmental age is the same as hers. Obviously we haven't been blessed yet with the placement that stays forever, but I would have no problem adopting older than our daughter. I do think that since she is becoming a big sister now, it may be harder later.

Something that in my mind made our 7 year old a great placement and child, he had extended family that cared for him dearly even though they couldn't be his primary care giver. I really think that was a huge part of why he was a pretty stable kid even though nothing in his life had been stable for years.