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Old 07-14-2012, 09:42 PM   #31
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This is a very interesting story. How many of the BM's children do you have so far?

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Old 07-15-2012, 06:20 AM   #32
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Re: Baby is here.

Hugs for the huge roller coaster of emotions and prayers that everything goes smoothly with the adjustment & health. Congratulations on your new baby!
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Old 07-15-2012, 07:08 AM   #33
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Re: Baby is here.

How does someone make a cps report and the person reported doesnt get notified? I know she must be having a hard time, adoption is never easy. Im sure its different because she has a choice now and when she had your dd the kids were all taken right? So no choice.

Congrats! Im so excited for you that shes nursing! eating is my #1 worry and a great sign for her future!
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Old 07-15-2012, 08:19 PM   #34
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Re: Baby is here.

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How does someone make a cps report and the person reported doesnt get notified? I know she must be having a hard time, adoption is never easy. Im sure its different because she has a choice now and when she had your dd the kids were all taken right? So no choice.

Congrats! Im so excited for you that shes nursing! eating is my #1 worry and a great sign for her future!
Well, think like anyone can call and make an anonymous report of a concern. Your neighbor could call on you because your kids are outside during the school day instead of inside doing "school". So CPS decides it does not merit investigtaion and closes the case. You would never know that anyone called on you. At least that's how I imagine it works much of the time. I don't think they have to tell you.

She did have the choice to reunify or not, but she declined visits from the get go. But, I do think that has a lot to do with it because she had a lot more things to worry about with the other two in state custody.

She just eats super good. I am astounded that it doesn't hurt; I see milk coming out the corners of her mouth; hear her swallowing, etc. After the nightmare of my son last year (tongue tie kept him from being able to withdraw milk so his improper suck was useless and the most painful thing ever and he went back into the NICU at 5 days severely dehydrated/jaundiced) I just CAN NOT believe how easy this is. Even though my oldest was just as easy after she got off her feeding tube and learned to nurse in the NICU the first week. She doesn't wake up though. I am waking her to feed every time today. They said at the hospital she was waking to feed on her own. My son is so very upset that the baby gets "mommy milk". He insists on nursing at the SAME time. I feel like a cow. Also because of my experience with ds I am so anxious to make sure she is getting enough - I am taking her back to the ped tomorrow morning and then I set up VNA home visits to weigh and see lactation if necessary.

Today bm texted to ask if I could bring baby to her house for a couple hours because that would help them since they (her and her ten year old) are having such a hard time with this. I replied that I think she would have to ask the sw. I don't know if she meant leave her there without me or stay. Anyway, that makes me a little nervous. The best I can remember she didn't see dd2 from leaving the hospital until a Christmas visit at about four months. Sw says if she wants her back I bring her to the agency and then they call CPS to say she is coming to get her and the police meet her there. I am certain at that point she would "unchange" her mind. But, I hope we don't have to go through that.

Maybe this is bad, but I think if she went back now I wouldn't be devastated. I would be really sad at the circumstances she was going back to, but I wouldn't feel like I was losing one of my kids if that makes sense. And, maybe I'm wrong and I would be devastated. But, I don't really feel like she's mine; I feel sort of like I'm babysitting. I am probably comparing to how I felt about my son when he was born and it's not the same. For my kids to lose their sister though would be devastating to them. They of course don't have the same grasp of the legal situation and I have absolutely no idea the best way to explain/not explain for them. With dd2 she was foster and we had had a couple other (very short term) so dd1 knew we had foster siblings that needed a safe place to stay until they went home. We didn't tell her until relinquishments which dd2 was over a year old that we might keep her. So not being foster this was totally different.

The Dr that released her this morning has been the same one that's seen her every day but one and he was shocked to hear that CPS closed the case without taking the other kids. Can't remember if I already put this in a pp, but they said they had evidence that the illegal substance use harmed the baby (obviously physically because she was pregnant) but they have no evidence of a negative impact on the other kids at home. So basically the state just said that one can use meth without a negative impact on your kids. Dh is furious. I am trying to reign him in at least until she signs relinquishment.

On a side note: My husband needed my van with all the kids at home so I took his car to the hospital. I expected to be back home and then us all go get her when released, but since they said I could nurse there I just stayed all day and night and today until release. So we came home the car which has 2 Scenera's in it. They say they go down to five pounds and I've heard on the car seat forum that they are a good cheaper seat. She was 6lb 5oz today and the buckles definitely did not get tight enough on her. They were pretty good, but that doesn't cut it. I didn't know what else to do so I just drove home, but she won't be going back in that seat for awhile. I have a MyRide in my van and am hoping there won't be a problem in that with the infant padding otherwise I will have a problem with no way to transport her. Well, I guess I would try switching seats around with the other kids and see if a radian fit. I don't have a bucket.

Findingmercy - just wondering, how did they let you nurse in the hospital? Were bio dads taken care of beforehand so BM could sign right away?

Oh, and sorry Dalynn that I am so tired I can't even translate typos.

I let them feed her my milk in a bottle between 11 and 5 last night figuring it was the last block of sleep I would get in awhile. I thought I felt good this morning when I got up. Then I pumped without attaching the bottles I could NOT figure out why I was getting wet! So, yeah, tired...

But, i am just so happy to be home with everybody who needs me all in one place. And actually all are sleeping right now!

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Old 07-15-2012, 08:48 PM   #35
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My sons birthmom gave the ok for me to nurse him. We ha our own room at the hospital,
So it worked out really well.

Birthmom signed the day after he was born. We are working on terminating dads rights because he wants nothing to do with anything and disappeared.
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Old 07-15-2012, 09:12 PM   #36
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Re: Baby is here.

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Originally Posted by sunnymommy View Post
Well, think like anyone can call and make an anonymous report of a concern. Your neighbor could call on you because your kids are outside during the school day instead of inside doing "school". So CPS decides it does not merit investigtaion and closes the case. You would never know that anyone called on you. At least that's how I imagine it works much of the time. I don't think they have to tell you.

She did have the choice to reunify or not, but she declined visits from the get go. But, I do think that has a lot to do with it because she had a lot more things to worry about with the other two in state custody.

She just eats super good. I am astounded that it doesn't hurt; I see milk coming out the corners of her mouth; hear her swallowing, etc. After the nightmare of my son last year (tongue tie kept him from being able to withdraw milk so his improper suck was useless and the most painful thing ever and he went back into the NICU at 5 days severely dehydrated/jaundiced) I just CAN NOT believe how easy this is. Even though my oldest was just as easy after she got off her feeding tube and learned to nurse in the NICU the first week. She doesn't wake up though. I am waking her to feed every time today. They said at the hospital she was waking to feed on her own. My son is so very upset that the baby gets "mommy milk". He insists on nursing at the SAME time. I feel like a cow. Also because of my experience with ds I am so anxious to make sure she is getting enough - I am taking her back to the ped tomorrow morning and then I set up VNA home visits to weigh and see lactation if necessary.

Today bm texted to ask if I could bring baby to her house for a couple hours because that would help them since they (her and her ten year old) are having such a hard time with this. I replied that I think she would have to ask the sw. I don't know if she meant leave her there without me or stay. Anyway, that makes me a little nervous. The best I can remember she didn't see dd2 from leaving the hospital until a Christmas visit at about four months. Sw says if she wants her back I bring her to the agency and then they call CPS to say she is coming to get her and the police meet her there. I am certain at that point she would "unchange" her mind. But, I hope we don't have to go through that.

Maybe this is bad, but I think if she went back now I wouldn't be devastated. I would be really sad at the circumstances she was going back to, but I wouldn't feel like I was losing one of my kids if that makes sense. And, maybe I'm wrong and I would be devastated. But, I don't really feel like she's mine; I feel sort of like I'm babysitting. I am probably comparing to how I felt about my son when he was born and it's not the same. For my kids to lose their sister though would be devastating to them. They of course don't have the same grasp of the legal situation and I have absolutely no idea the best way to explain/not explain for them. With dd2 she was foster and we had had a couple other (very short term) so dd1 knew we had foster siblings that needed a safe place to stay until they went home. We didn't tell her until relinquishments which dd2 was over a year old that we might keep her. So not being foster this was totally different.

The Dr that released her this morning has been the same one that's seen her every day but one and he was shocked to hear that CPS closed the case without taking the other kids. Can't remember if I already put this in a pp, but they said they had evidence that the illegal substance use harmed the baby (obviously physically because she was pregnant) but they have no evidence of a negative impact on the other kids at home. So basically the state just said that one can use meth without a negative impact on your kids. Dh is furious. I am trying to reign him in at least until she signs relinquishment.

On a side note: My husband needed my van with all the kids at home so I took his car to the hospital. I expected to be back home and then us all go get her when released, but since they said I could nurse there I just stayed all day and night and today until release. So we came home the car which has 2 Scenera's in it. They say they go down to five pounds and I've heard on the car seat forum that they are a good cheaper seat. She was 6lb 5oz today and the buckles definitely did not get tight enough on her. They were pretty good, but that doesn't cut it. I didn't know what else to do so I just drove home, but she won't be going back in that seat for awhile. I have a MyRide in my van and am hoping there won't be a problem in that with the infant padding otherwise I will have a problem with no way to transport her. Well, I guess I would try switching seats around with the other kids and see if a radian fit. I don't have a bucket.

Findingmercy - just wondering, how did they let you nurse in the hospital? Were bio dads taken care of beforehand so BM could sign right away?

Oh, and sorry Dalynn that I am so tired I can't even translate typos.

I let them feed her my milk in a bottle between 11 and 5 last night figuring it was the last block of sleep I would get in awhile. I thought I felt good this morning when I got up. Then I pumped without attaching the bottles I could NOT figure out why I was getting wet! So, yeah, tired...

But, i am just so happy to be home with everybody who needs me all in one place. And actually all are sleeping right now!
i think that your feelings are normal. this is a brand new person you have never met before! of course any feelings are probably normal, within reason. theres no wrong way to feel. i think you answered really well when bm asked to see the baby, push it on them to make the decision so she cant get mad at you either way. i hope your ds gets used to sharing mommys milk! its just so awesome that you are tandem nursing with an adopted baby! (and finding mercy of course) yay for booby babies!

about the car seat, were the harness straps below her shoulders or above? they do need to be below the shoulders of a rear facing child. scenera is a good seat but its more about body shape than lbs, just like diapers! i hope she fits ok in the radian, i've heard people say newbies fit well in them too but of course the buckle is huge! and she is still pretty tiny. we do have a bucket, an older snugride, and it is not the best for small babies even though it is a bucket! its just a major PITA. we have an evenflo triumph installed RFing right now and i'm going to keep it in there when dfd leaves even if we do get an infant because i can't stand the snugride!
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Old 07-15-2012, 09:41 PM   #37
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Re: Baby is here.

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Originally Posted by FindingMercy View Post
My sons birthmom gave the ok for me to nurse him. We ha our own room at the hospital,
So it worked out really well.

Birthmom signed the day after he was born. We are working on terminating dads rights because he wants nothing to do with anything and disappeared.
Yeah, bm gave permission for me to nurse, too, but the hospital said their legal dept said no Then on day five I came in, and the nurse said, I'm the head nurse and you've been asking to nurse and I think that would be fine. I didn't ask any questions ~ just got to it. Maybe if she had been in a regular room rather than NICU it would have been different: I don't know.

Man, everywhere is so different. Here they won't let mom sign until dad is done. Both this time and with dd2 through foster care. With dd2 she kept asking and asking to sign because she wanted to move on and they didn't let her for over a year. Kept saying you can't relinquish half a baby. Same thing this time through the adoption agency ~ mom can't sign until dads are signed or time expired. So if they sign they can do that at 48 hours. Otherwise five days from notification, but they requires them to either answer their phone or sign for the legal letter in the mail. Otherwise publish on John Doe for three weeks. So she prob can't sign for three weeks more at least.

I am glad it went so smoothly for you.
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Old 07-16-2012, 09:06 AM   #38
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Old 07-16-2012, 01:55 PM   #39
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Re: Baby is here.

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This is actually a really good thing. Your baby's bmom has an open(ish) case with CPS, dad doesn't. What if mom would TPR and dad decides he wants the baby? At least if mom's rights are in place until you get dad's TPR, baby will be safe.

I've been watching a situation on adoption.com that mom's rights were terminated, but not dad's. The family is now facing returning the baby to her father. The agency we worked with never TPR's a mom's rights without doing dad's at the same time (or before). It can get really messy because in most states dad's have equal rights to mom.

Hang in there. Also, baby won't know if you're faking it ... fake it until you make it in the attachment department.
this is basically my motto for life in general.
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Old 07-18-2012, 07:02 PM   #40
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Re: Baby is here.

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This is a very interesting story. How many of the BM's children do you have so far?
She has two children and is birthmom to two of my four (including the baby) children.

Well, she fits in the MyRide Dwarfed by it but the straps get tight enough and she looks much more comfy in it. Except for the perpetual head flop to the side no matter what she's in other than the bassinet. The Scenera the straps were below her shoulders but the straps were just not snug on her at the tightest they would cinch.

The first night home was bad - every time she cried ds (16mo) cried so I just went back and forth between them all night. Second night was good, ds cried after I put him to bed but then didn't wake up all night and baby woke to eat and went back to sleep. Third/last night was bad - she just could not get into the deep sleep so woke up after the first light cycle at 30-60 min all night long from 11:30-7am. Hoping for a good night tonight...

The VNA nurse came and weighed her and she is gaining. I do give her 1-2 bottles of pumped milk a day when it just seems that she can not wake up enough to get my milk to letdown.

BM did call the SW about visiting with baby and was told about the CPS situation (police will be notified if baby goes back into care but are not removing older girls at this time).

Having her test positive is just bringing up so much to think about and decide at some point regarding what our relationship with BM will look like going forward.

Actually what I am feeling is really upset about dd2. She came home from the hospital at 48 hours ~ they said she was fine, no symptoms, etc. Then a few days later she just lost it and screamed for almost a year. So I talked to the dr that released baby this time about it and he said keeping her in the NICU for observation for withdrawal for five days was very conservative but that the AAP just released that as a new guideline because sometimes withdrawal symptoms don't start for a few days and it does not correlate with how bad they are up through having seizures. I explained about dd2 and he said three years ago that would be the norm. I asked what to watch for now and he basically said feed and console and if she is inconsolable to call the ped. So I asked then what would they do because that is what happened with dd2 and he said while methadone is used for opioid withdrawal for meth it is not a great help and they would give a sedative. Light bulb for me - that is exactly what dd2 needed. At the time we asked and asked everyone (dr, sw, etc.) for who to take her to that could help with experience with meth exposure and no one could offer anything. It sounds awful to say a baby needs to be sedated but that would have helped her regulate so much faster I think and her path even years later now would be easier. So I am just now really understanding how much her issues were really withdrawal and caused by the meth use and I am upset about that.

DS is doing much better with baby. He did not have to nurse at the SAME TIME today and he gave her a snuggle on his own initiative at bedtime. He does get upset when she cries though. I dont' know if he's worried about her or what.

DD2 said when baby was crying " Mommy, she's crying. I think she misses her birthmommy". I just told her that baby knows that I'm her mommy now, but of course I'm wondering about what dd2 feels about it. She also did say the other day, "Me and baby have the same birth mommy!"

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