How do you deal with gender dissapointment?

[Sarai*]

I think disappointment really tends to wane -- when you are pregnant, boy or girl (and hopefully healthy) is really all you can find out. It is the only "trait" that you can determine -- I never cared one way or another until our final child, then I kind of wanted a girl, b/c I missed the girls I had lost, but turned out to be a boy. But his person is not defined by gender, although it seems to be when you have a baby en uterero For instance, I enjoy having a child who: shares my religious faith (his sister really doesn't, and I've tried!) shares his dad's love for photography, will go out of his way to help a lonesome animal, forgives easily, has an incredible imagination, etc. All of these things become a lot more exciting and satisfying than "getting a girl".

Still have pains shopping for Easter clothes of all things, at the little Easter dresses I cannot buy, but the mere thought of having a girl that could wear the Easter dress instead of my actual sweet son -- gender is really but one trait. I will never shop for a Easter dress for my son, but I will see a haunting picture of a lonely dog taken through fence slots that my son took -- and sold to donate to help Haiti Earthquake victims at age 7. That is worth more than any "girl" experience out there. I'm sure as your son grows, there will be no disappointment. Plus you have the very precious experience of raising brothers -- almost no one on either side of our family gets more than one boy, and we have tons of boys over here wishing for brothers.

[ambie719]

Originally Posted by nicolemariep Another really exciting thing about having a boy this time is that my DH finally agreed that we can use a really close family friend's (known him since I was two, and he was basically my father figure) name for this one's middle name if it's a boy. His name is unusual (Sterling), so he would know it was for him, and it would mean a ton to him! So I am really excited about that.

That is one of the few perks of having 3 boys, DH pretty much just let me pick whatever names I wanted for DS2 and this one because he felt bad that I didn't get my girl.

And I think I should clarify something. At this point I don't really feel like I have gender disappointment anymore, what I do have is a severe gender desire, which is what I know will never go away. I'm not disappointed that I'm having a boy, I'm just crushed that I'll never get the girl that I desire.

[happymama1]

If you like babies....I'd just keep trying for a girl Or....take a little break, and then try for one.

If you don't want a super-large family...I'd look into adopting a girl.

I think it would be very difficult to give up the desire for a daughter, unless there was a medical reason why you couldn't have more children.

[Done at 3]

Gender desire really is a better term, I like that. I'm not sad I'm having another boy, just sad I won't be having a daughter. I was recommended not to have a third actually because of issues with DS2's delivery. It's very hard for me to get around because my pelvis was dislocated in his delivery and when the hormones kick in my pelvic bones go crazy I also am 38 and just don't have the stamina to do it again. The pregnancy has made me feel very old. DH took tons of convincing for this last attempt and a 4th just isn't a possibility for him. I would love to adopt, but just don't think that financially it would be feasible, although admittedly I haven't researched too deeply, it's just my assumption that it s expensive.

[keen1981]

I kinda get sad when I see reactions to girl after two boys. I didn't get that reaction. Kwim? It's definitely a different HOORAY! and everyone everyone acts like I should be in mourning. I wanted a boy. I am having one. Why would I mourn? Sure I'd love a girl. But no mourning my boy. :/

[OrangeBananas]

I can relate, but in a different way. I was in the minority, and did not care to have a daughter. I had 6 boys, and before that a son who didn't make it. When I was pregnant with my last I was SO sure that it was another boy, and I was thrilled. He had a name, and stuff, and I couldn't wait to meet my son. Then they told me that it was a girl...and I was in shock. It took me quite a while to get used to the fact that I was going to have a daughter, and not the son I was expecting. In a way, I had to grieve the loss of the son I would never meet, and figure out how to adjust to the daughter I wasn't expecting. Now that she is here, I wouldn't change it for the world. She fought like heck to be here with us, and I love her more than I ever thought I could.

[ktmelody]

It can be hard. I have 6 daughters and 1 son. I love my son to death, and my daughters. I wanted so bad for him to have a brother. But he loves his sisters and his place in our home. Now we are probably going to have more babies, but at this point I just dont care anymore. Girl, boy or in-between they all have a reason for being here.

((hugs)). Have definitely been in your place, and it does get easier.

[JulieBeth]

Originally Posted by ktmelody It can be hard. I have 6 daughters and 1 son. I love my son to death, and my daughters. I wanted so bad for him to have a brother. But he loves his sisters and his place in our home. Now we are probably going to have more babies, but at this point I just dont care anymore. Girl, boy or in-between they all have a reason for being here. ((hugs)). Have definitely been in your place, and it does get easier.

I think the outside world was more upset for my son and us that we aren't having a boy. We are thrilled to be expecting at all. Everyone rooted for a boy and it's all I heard. Then after we found out it's another girl, it was nothing but...Poor Jacob. That's so sad he will never have a brother. Quite irritating.

[hohaas]

We have 5 girls. Our 3rd DD died so after her I really wanted another girl and was thrilled when I found out DD4 was indeed a girl. I def believe I would have had some disappointment had she been a boy, but having a baby who lived overrides that any day for me.

[crunchymom2b]

Haven't read much past the first page but I totally understand!

Originally Posted by keen1981 It's weird. I always wanted boys. Never 'wanted' a girl. Knew this one was a boy. Not shocked to hear I was right. Even might go as far as to say I was/am thrilled. Took sooooooo long to get him, I just want HIM. But lately, I realize I won't have a daughter. And I think my DH's sadness over that makes it harder on me. A son marries a wife but a daughter is for life. Right? Lol. I talk to my mom daily. Idk any grown men who do that, that aren't severally pissing off their wives. Lol. Idk. It is a different family dynamic too. Girls ARE different than boys. We often have them here, for awhile and it's a different vibe. For sure. We may or may not have a 4th. We are undecided. We certainly are aware that more than likely, he'd be a he. Lol

I always pictured having a boy first, then a little girl. Her brother would be the protector. I was very sad initially when I found out this bean was a boy because of that.

Originally Posted by Sha-nanagins Been there - made worse by people who, as soon as they found out DS2 was going to be a boy started saying, "So, are you going to try again for a girl?" Um, no! Fortunately, after the initial weeks of disappointment, my practical side took over, and I realized how much more money we would have had to spend on clothes, toys, etc. without being able to pass things down. Then, too, a year after DS2 was born, my brother and his wife had a little girl. So when I see a super-cute girly outfit or something in the store, I can get it for my niece. That helps a lot.

I hated everyone elses comments. Due to our loss and history I really didn't care what gender and my aunt knew that more than anyone. Yet as soon as we told her it was a boy she said "Oh I'm sorry, I knew you were hoping fora girl." When I told her that wasn't true she claimed "well I know Tom wanted a girl". Again, not true. I'm so sick of people saying 'm sorry when they find out he's not a girl.


As much as I did want a girl before we started having our problems, I am now thrilled DS will have a brother. I know what to do with boys. They'll be close in age and hopefully very close growing up. We have all the right clothes in the right size and season. Toys can be shared much more easily. I love how cuddly DS is with me and I wouldn't trade that for the world. So I am very excited to have another little boy!

That said, we'r emost likely done with kids after this and the thought of never having a daughter does hurt sometimes. I just have to tell myself that God has a plan bigger than us and this is my plan. mamas!