Cutting a parent out of your life?

[harmoni247]

Originally Posted by Rdesonia Also forgiving someone for the past.... it doesn't mean you have to let them have access to continue to hurt you in the present.

Exactly.

Originally Posted by Rdesonia I no longer speak to my mother. It was hard. It was the best decision I ever made. She is just not a healthy person to have in my life. If she is manipulative,lies, and is cruel to me.... How can I- in good faith- continue to expose my children to her? My first duty is to my kids... not her... not my grandma (her mom who also takes her side on everything)... not anyone else. I can't and won't expose my kids to her. She has never met my DD and has not seen my DS since he was 1.

I think the manipulation is the biggest problem. I did end up calling him and giving it one last dutch effort. If he manipulates me anymore after I've spelled it all out, I will end it. I had to be more blunt than I've ever been and explain that I am not responsible for his life in any way. If he commits suicide because I don't want a relationship with him, that is NOT my responsibility. These are things he "subtly" implies. It was really the reason my mother left him...out of everything he did, the manipulation was the last straw.

[harmoni247]

Thanks for everyones input. Ive decided this is it, the last ditch effort. I left nothing open for interpretation, I was brutally honest and basically told him that he has this chance to be a grandpa, but I won't continue being stressed around him or manipulated for his sake. I will know I tried my hardest if he continues after this.

[Sydsmom]

My mother and I don't speak. She has never been the greatest mom but I could deal with it until she started to let her husband disrespect me, my husband, and my children. He was being crude and called me a bad mother at Christmas and I walked out on Christmas dinner with my family and haven't looked back since. That was when I told them I was pregnant with DS and she hasn't even called to see how he's doing, doesn't even know I'm having a boy. Obviously she has chosen her husband over me and that's fine. I feel a lot better without her constant negativity in my life.

[Dory]

The last paragraph in your second post - that describes my husband and why mil is still in our lives. He/we knew that her father GFIL would guilt us, and she lived in a trailer on his property so we wouldn't be able to visit him without seeing her. He passed in May, and when his estate is settled he plans to cut her off. She has never been to jail or prison, but that's because he always got her out of it. She is a drug abuser and a manipulator, and not a person that our kids need to be around.

If he's toxic to you, if he makes you an unhappy person, if he's not who you want around your kids - that's on him, not you. Don't feel bad about making that decision for your kids.

[thealmightyme]

Wow, I can't believe how many,of us are in the same boat.

[kaylabelle05]

I recently cut my mom out of my life for the 5th time(?). She is extremely controlling, manipulative, complainer, insults everyone in my family, cruel, unforgiving, and more than I can't think of right now. My 3 older siblings have not talked to her for years. S#1, since 1995, S#2 since 2005, B#1 since 1998. I am the only one who has gone back and forth and only because of my health and 2 special needs kids. She promises she changed and to help and she jsut doesn't and makes my life harder.

This final straw was when she started to insult my DH AGAIN and I told her to stop and she went off on me. I hung up on her. Then she was asking about a package being sent to my house (she lived here for 5 months while DH was deployed) instead of changing her address. I told her we wouldn't be here and she asked if she should just wait on the curb! I told her I didn't care and that she refused to change her address. She finally changed her address 2 months after she moved in to her apartment 4 miles down the road!

I am pregnant (which she asked when DH was flipping out why I wanted a 4th child) and she tried to compare her pregnancies to mine AGAIN. But I really could care less if she meets this child for she already destroyed the relationship between her and DS/DD because of her behavior while she was here. She blamed DS for her cats peeing in his closet.



But if the thought of continuing a relationship with your dad causes you mental stress, don't.

I read this in "Dear Abby"

DEAR ABBY: It seems that every other letter you print concerns a demanding relative (a parent, in-law, sibling, etc.). The writer always wants to know how to avoid unreasonable demands without causing "unpleasantness." May I say a word to these folks? Be honest and admit that the relationship is already unpleasant. Demanding people are impossible to please. They know their control over you depends on temper tantrums and/or fits of sulking and tears. They'll pitch these fits regularly no matter how hard you try to please them. When faced with an unreasonable demand, just say "no." Don't waste time giving reasons or trying to work out a compromise. You already know it won't do any good. Then hunker down and wait for the explosion, keeping in mind that the longer you have been a doormat, the more violent and bitter the reaction will be. Above all, do not be drawn into a fight! Controlling people love to fight, and they are good at it. Your weapon should be polite withdrawal. Refuse meetings. Screen your calls. Ignore letters and emails unless they contain an apology and indicate a sincere desire for change. It may shock your domineering relatives into more reasonable behavior. If not, you haven't lost a thing. You may even find that your life is less complicated without them. Draw the line and let your family know that future relationships will be based on love and respect, or there will be no future relations. You won't regret it. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, KNOXVILLE, TENN. DEAR BEEN THERE: People who have spent a lifetime trying to please others may find your recommendations difficult to put into practice. Habits can become so entrenched that they are hard to break without coaching and positive reinforcement. That is why I advise those who feel constantly put upon to consider taking classes in assertiveness training.

After reading this I decided that my mom no longer had control over me, my family and my life and honestly she could die alone and miserable for all I care. She burned her last bridge with me and she no longer gets to be in my life.

[somo_chickenlady]

Originally Posted by harmoni247 I haven't been able to send him a card that says "i love you"since I was seventeen /snip/ I haven't been able to say "i love you" without lying to him. I dont hate him. I don't resent him. Im just DONE with him. He is a manipulative person that causes me stress everytime I see his phone number. I don't talk to him but maybe 5-10 times a year and I don't see him but 2-3 times a year. It's enough to make me want to officially end it. I see him call and NEVER pick up right away. I have to mentally prepare myself for a conversation with him because I know it will be full of unspoken tension and guilt.

I can relate completely to the bolded. When I buy mother's and father's day cards, and birthday cards, I have to search for the ones that are generic and have no statements of love or anything along those lines. I would be lying if I bought one that did. It is this way for both of my parents who are both bad alcoholics and have been since I was in middle school. Everything that I quoted from you is how it is with my parents, except I only speak to them a couple times a year. We moved 9 hours away to get away from them, and in the 18 months we have been here I have only heard from them MAYBE 3 times? I have no relationship with my sister at all, I completely cut her out. The relationship with my parents is on MY terms only.

Originally Posted by Hungry Caterpillar I have a toxic relationship with a certain relative that largely mimics your feelings, but without the jail/drugs part. I have come to terms that I can handle them once or twice a year for a very short period of time if, and only if, I psych myself up for it and it's not sprung on me. I do not answer the phone, but I call back when I am ready and always have something I genuinely have to do 10 to 15 minutes after I call so I can get off the phone truthfully. I specifically plan conversation "turns" ahead of time so when it goes a direction I don't want to deal with, I can guide it another way. I have found the past few years that this works very well for me and that I do not feel the guilt I was feeling when considering completely cutting this person out of my life.

This is exactly how I deal with my parents. Like I said, on my terms. I really have zero interaction with my father, though, by his choosing mainly, and I'm totally okay with that. Most of my interaction with my mother is through FB, which is A.O.K. with me b/c I can take time to process what she has to say (which is usually combative and aggressive) and think out my response. I dread talking to her on the phone or seeing her in person, and it causes a lot of anxiety. Putting the distance (both physically and otherwise) between us has been the best thing for my life. When my sister's friend tried to rape me, and she and my parents believed his lies over me, it became clear to me that this was the choice that I need to make. I need to worry and care about me.

[meldo]

I do not have any fantastic advice and am on my phone so don't want to type my story out but wanted to offer and let you know it's ok to feel this way. I cut my mom out about 4 years ago and while I feel sad about it sometimes, it had to be done. I will type my story out when I can get to an actual keyboard.

I'm typing on my iPhone, sorry.

[PBAki]

Originally Posted by harmoni247 BUT, I can't break my grandfathers heart by doing this. I can't stand my dad, and I am worried sick that he'll do something stupid like go back to drugs or commit suicide or something and "ill be responsible" (i know that's not true, but it's how I feel). I don't want him to screw up his life again, but I don't love him and don't want to have contact with him anymore. What do I do?

He's a grown adult and don't let his past cloud your judgment because of what if's.

I feel there are too much pressure put on people just because they are your family and you're somehow not supposed to part with them. But at the end of the day if they're allowed to negatively impact your life, who is going to benefit in a long run? Not you but the person victimizing the family members.

To me, life is too short to deal with people that will not change or clean up their act. You have every right to cut him loose if it's going to be the best for you and your family. As much as he's your father you're still a person that should take care of your own emotional needs first. After all he's caused enough pain, you're the only person that know him well enough to make the decision of minimizing if not sever the relationship.

[Malenkaya]

I cut my father from my life shortly after my daughter was born. He was in and out of my life and was never a parent to begin with. He's not a criminal, a drug addict or alcoholic or any of that stuff (fortunately) he's just a selfish person who never learned (or cared to learn) hot to be a parent. My parents divorced when I was 12.

When my mom came to visit a few months ago (we only get to see her once a year due to the 1000 mile distance) DD actually said "that's grandma" and then paused before continuing with "there is no grandpa." It's the first time she's made any such connection.