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Old 07-22-2012, 09:16 AM   #1
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How do you deal with gender dissapointment?

I am pregnant with my third and final child, 3rd DS. We did EVERYTHING possible to sway for a girl and obviously it wasn't meant to be, I am at peace with that part. But how do you get over (if that's even possible) that sadness of never knowing the feeling of raising, in my case, a daughter.

Gender disappointment and pregnancy hormones are a bad combo, poor DH watched me start hysterical (I mean big blubbering, boogery mess!!) crying watching a program last night that involved a bunch of adorable little girls in pink ballet outfits. I could feel the pain so deeply in that moment

I love my boys so much, they are loving, and thoughtful and mushy. I just never imagined not having a DD.

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Old 07-22-2012, 09:40 AM   #2
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Re: How do you deal with gender dissapointment?

I'm so sorry, mama. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. But I do know that this isn't uncommon. If you google gender disappointment you might find some articles or blogs from women who can relate. Maybe that will make you feel better?
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:54 AM   #3
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You don't really get over it, I still dream of a girl although I'm quite sure we're done. I know God will fill that void for me someday, somehow whether it be through a niece, DIL or granddaughters.
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Old 07-22-2012, 09:55 AM   #4
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It took a while for me with DS. I hadn't originally wanted girl. Being a tomboy, and still never girly, I wanted a boy. But as my pregnancy went on, I was SO sure DS was a girl. I dreamed about a girl, had the perfect girl name, looked at girly clothes, etc. When I found out he was a boy, I broke down sobbing in the car in the parking lot, and cried all the way home. I was so used to the idea, it was a shock. I eventually came to terms with it, accepted it and was happy. But it was hard.

DS is a very sensitive boy. He is very tender hearted, and has a lot of stereotypically "feminine" qualities. I love that about him. I hope he remains a bit sensitive and dainty as he grows up

I think what helped me was realizing regardless of what gender he could've been, he would've been his own person, not the dream I had in my head. While raising a girl and a boy are surely very different in some ways, you could've easily had a tomboy that never wanted to wear dresses, or hated pink, or thought ballet was silly. Just as you could have a boy that loves to dress up, cook with mama, is all about ballet, and rocks pink like no one's business. Letting go of the gender roles and embracing their individual personalities really helped me (especially when I found out this child is a boy, too). I don't plan on having any other children, and while I wanted a girl, it was easier to accept this time.

Maybe none of that helps you, maybe it will. I hope you find peace with it all mama I know it can be difficult to talk about sometimes. Or at least it was for me. I think squishy newbie endorphin high will help as well

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Old 07-22-2012, 09:57 AM   #5
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Re: How do you deal with gender dissapointment?

Completely fine and absolutely normal. I really really wanted a girl. So, of course I got a boy. I love love love my boy but I'd still like a girl. (we're debating if we should try again but I've pretty much decided I'll get a second boy). I'm just now hoping for a great future daughter-in-law and grandkids that are girls.
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:02 AM   #6
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Thanks so much! It's nice to not feel alone! I'm totally open to my boys being who they want to be, I try not to ever steer them in a direction or influence their choices. It's not even a "pink" thing for me, just a future different that what I had imagined I guess. I'm much closer to my mom than my brothers are. I think that's my fear, that a daughter sticks with their mom (I know not always but you know) and a son focuses on his wife. I never want to be "that" MIL
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:05 AM   #7
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I know EXACTLY what you're feeling.
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:05 AM   #8
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Re: How do you deal with gender dissapointment?

I'm sorry Momma. My DH wants to be done after our next (at 2) whether it's a boy or a girl but if our next ends up being a boy I want to try again for a girl. We've been at battle over this for a while (not a big one but a battle). I know it doesn't matter to argue about it now because there is a chance our next will be a girl but I have a gut feeling the next will be a boy too. I know if our next is a boy I will love him just as much as DS but in the same way I will probably nag dh to no end until he decides to try again (and he knows this too).

I don't have any real words of encouragement for you but I can offer
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Old 07-22-2012, 10:16 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Done at 3
Thanks so much! It's nice to not feel alone! I'm totally open to my boys being who they want to be, I try not to ever steer them in a direction or influence their choices. It's not even a "pink" thing for me, just a future different that what I had imagined I guess. I'm much closer to my mom than my brothers are. I think that's my fear, that a daughter sticks with their mom (I know not always but you know) and a son focuses on his wife. I never want to be "that" MIL
Oh I didn't mean to imply you did! I'm sorry if I portrayed it that way. I meant that was how I has pictured it, so letting go of that helped me a lot.

To be fair, with 3, odds are you'll have a mama's boy in there somewhere

I know what you mean with the future, though. I hadn't thought too far ahead in that aspect with DS1, but I do remember crying to ex that I'll never get to do the mother/daughter stuff I never had with my mom; prom, wedding planning, etc.

And as awful is it may sound, I think being a single parent helped me, too. I know DS1 will have a stronger bond with me than if his father were around. Don't get me wrong, I wish he had two loving parents. I feel like he was shorted on that. But (and maybe it's selfish), I'm kind of glad at the same time that he may end up coming to me for his first kiss, dating advice, etc. I hope he feels comfortable enough to. I never did with my mother.

I may be totally wrong though, and end up longing for a girl in a few years. So take what I say with a grain of salt lol.

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Old 07-22-2012, 10:18 AM   #10
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Re: How do you deal with gender dissapointment?

I am sorry you are going through this and I think it is really normal though at boy #4 I have not experienced it. I think others were disappointed tha we did not have a girl but my husband and I were elated to have another boy. I hope that you come to peace in your heart and perhaps God will fill your life with nieces or girls you can mentor down the road?

ETA: After reading your post about daughters and sons and the future I did want to say thwt occasionally I worry that my sons will be closer to their wives' families and that I won't get to be asinvolved with grandbabies, but I already pray about it and know that all will be ok. I always pray for my future daughter in laws.
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