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Old 08-03-2012, 07:20 AM   #1
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Home Birth, husband not supportive

So,

I want a home birth (for a lot of reasons!) and my due date is 6 weeks away. I have a great midwife, I am textbook perfect as is the baby, all should be set up for success. However, my husband is completely not supportive. For this whole pregnancy he has refused to talk to me about my plans, so I just went ahead and made them. Now he's mad because they were made without him AND he thinks that homebirth is not safe and is a stupid decision. And he's mad because he feels helpless. And he's not willing to see things from my perspective or even read anything that supports home birth (because it's just my perspective).

Did anyone go through a home birth without the support of their husbands? Did anyone have a hb and have their husband's change their minds? Any hope? Or should I just let go of this plan and go to the hospital?

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Old 08-03-2012, 09:52 AM   #2
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Re: Home Birth, husband not supportive

I can't tell you what to do. Personally, I feel the decision should be made in unity. You two are one now and I don't think it'd be fair to throw around the "my body, my choice" card because it's not true. Also, this involves both of your's baby. (not saying you throw around that card, btw. just generally talking). I also would cringe if he took this situation as the first of potentially many, when his word isn't respected or valued because the Mama Bear comes out and this is YOUR baby cub and not his. Some men are really sensitive about that.

In the event of needing a transfer or having a complication (which is UNlikely) it'd be a lot to ask your DH to work through those feelings of "Well, I didn't even want you to do this in the first place" and so on while seeing his wife and/or baby have some trouble. We had some trouble with ours and I'm thankful I didn't put my DH in that place as he was also supportive of our homebirth.

Has he talked with the midwife about specific concerns he has? That might help if he knows how she is prepared for those complications or how she knows when to transfer. My DH during the beginning of my first pregnancy had concerns about the birth at home and he went with me to the prenatal and we discussed his concerns with the midwife. She eased his mind and he soon agreed with our decision to have a homebirth.

It is a vulnerable time for our men. Esp. when they are designed to want to protect... the pregnancy, the baby growing, etc. is just not in their control. I feel like it's an important time to be sensitive to that.

Just my two cents. Good luck on making your decision!
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Old 08-03-2012, 09:52 AM   #3
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Re: Home Birth, husband not supportive

DP

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Old 08-03-2012, 11:23 AM   #4
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Re: Home Birth, husband not supportive

I wouldn't say my dh was supportive of my HB plans, but he wasn't outwardly against them either. After that first HB he was sold though.
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:09 PM   #5
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Re: Home Birth, husband not supportive

I am not having a home birth because DH is against it. For him it comes from his inability to protect us should something go wrong. We live 25 minutes from the nearest hospital, if we lived closer I would push the issue more, but I could not live with myself or him if something did go wrong and if we had been at the hospital the outcome could have been better.
I feel that I want a homebirth for me. It is not what is better/worse for the baby it is about what I want. I can not put what I want in front of what my husband wants when it involves our baby. It is the "what if" card.
I opted for a birth center and my birth experience was amazing, but deep down I still want a homebirth and I know I never will have one, but I can live with that. I could not live with my husbands resentment if something bad happened.
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:18 PM   #6
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Re: Home Birth, husband not supportive

I had a homebirth against the wishes of my ex-h. He was vocally against it all through my pregnancy. I even worked on the weekends and paid for it myself. When I was in labor he decided not to participate and slept through it. Yea. It was not a good situation. And while I am glad I stood my ground for something I believe in, I know ultimately it was the beginning of the end for us.

I'm not saying you should give up your homebirth, but I think you really need to sit down with your DH and have a calm discussion about what each of you are feeling on the topic. Tell him you really want to talk to him about this as it is very important to you that he is involved in the birth. I hope you guys will be able to work through it and come to a decision that you both are supportive of.
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Old 08-04-2012, 07:19 PM   #7
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I could not do a hb of my dh wasn't at least semi ok with it
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Old 08-04-2012, 08:22 PM   #8
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My first home birth second birth was without DHs support.

After my dd was born I felt like a trapped animal. I was almost ready to leave AMA when they released me. 3 hours later.

I have had hospital trauma and get panicky in the hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to birth well there. I needed to have my babies at home.

By the time I got to number 4 he was supportive
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Old 08-04-2012, 09:10 PM   #9
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Re: Home Birth, husband not supportive

Quote:
Originally Posted by raisingcropsandbabies View Post
I can't tell you what to do. Personally, I feel the decision should be made in unity. You two are one now and I don't think it'd be fair to throw around the "my body, my choice" card because it's not true. Also, this involves both of your's baby. (not saying you throw around that card, btw. just generally talking). I also would cringe if he took this situation as the first of potentially many, when his word isn't respected or valued because the Mama Bear comes out and this is YOUR baby cub and not his. Some men are really sensitive about that.

In the event of needing a transfer or having a complication (which is UNlikely) it'd be a lot to ask your DH to work through those feelings of "Well, I didn't even want you to do this in the first place" and so on while seeing his wife and/or baby have some trouble. We had some trouble with ours and I'm thankful I didn't put my DH in that place as he was also supportive of our homebirth.

Has he talked with the midwife about specific concerns he has? That might help if he knows how she is prepared for those complications or how she knows when to transfer. My DH during the beginning of my first pregnancy had concerns about the birth at home and he went with me to the prenatal and we discussed his concerns with the midwife. She eased his mind and he soon agreed with our decision to have a homebirth.

It is a vulnerable time for our men. Esp. when they are designed to want to protect... the pregnancy, the baby growing, etc. is just not in their control. I feel like it's an important time to be sensitive to that.

Just my two cents. Good luck on making your decision!
This is very much how I feel. My DH is a very involved, supportive partner and committed father so him feeling like I was cutting him out of the decision making process really upset him. It has come up several times this pregnancy and I just decided that my desires don't get to trump his. We really do have to come to a decision that we can both be comfortable with. Ultimately HB was his line because he could not protect us and the "what ifs" are too great for him to let go. And I came to a point where I was okay with that. He is my greatest supporter and ally and I don't want him to resent me. Right now with me set to deliver in a few weeks I think we are both happy with the compromises we made.
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Old 08-04-2012, 09:13 PM   #10
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Re: Home Birth, husband not supportive

My DP was TOTALLY against my trying for a VBAC, didn't even want to talk about it, b/c the OB scared the crap outta' him with UR being '...such a high risk...'. I am research NERD and LOVE doing it. After I showed him the data and risk v. benefit he has loosened up to the point of accepting the fact that he can learn more about it. We talked a month or so after that and I told him that I cannot explain to him well enough that I KNOW I CAN DO THIS and I HAVE NO FEAR OF ANY POTENTIAL PAIN (un-medicated is the plan) and I BELIEVE IN MY BODY'S ABILITY TO BIRTH THIS BABY. I had a c/s in 2008 when I thought I 'had to' b/c OB said baby was 10lbs. I believed the media hype about pain and that a 10lb baby was something to call Guiness about ... Pffffft, wish I had been more of a research geek about THAT! I knew everything about my growing baby then, but not about my options...too bad, I got sliced and diced, had a TERRIBLE c/s and resented the event ever since...until this pregnancy. He is totally on board with Placenta Encpasulation, Doula, and the (previous) possibility of needing to switch providers (doc okayed VBAC). I asked him to believe that I wouldn't do anything to jeapordize my health or the baby's health intentionally. He is going to read Husband Coached Childbirth and has read excerpts (I chose) from Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (both good and bad ones!). I am very proud of him...he has cro-magnon tendencies at times and can be overbearing and insensitive...he has come so far! LOL I hope you are able to talk to you hubby about your feelings and how you don't want to risk resenting him for the rest of your life, come to a compromise and live with ti...I hope
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