Me and my daughter dont get along!

[chello]

have you sat her down and talked to her about it? I mean without lecturing etc? I totally agree that you need to put your foot down and deal with attitude like that, but at the same time if she just sees this as you suddenly becoming a control freak she's obviously not going to respond well. Explain why attitude like that is rude and unacceptable, and what your motivations are when you correct, question and discipline her. And then make that attitude truly unacceptable. When I was growing up it didn't matter how valid or legitimate what I wanted was, if I was being snotty I got nothing until my attitude changed. I remember my sister's room being stripped down to necessities, even pictures and stuff she had on the walls being taken away, she was left with her bed, a pillow, and something like 3 changes of clothes for awhile because she was not being respectful of the house and our parents. But at the same time, my parents always told us why being rude will not help us in life, why it's important to be respectful of the people and authority around you, and that we were not the most important person in the world, how we need to consider the people around us. It was never just "because I said so" without context, kwim?

[pumkinsmommy]

Originally Posted by qsefthuko I asked my daughter what response would be reasonable in this situation. She is 13 right now. She thinks it would be totally fair and just what this Mama did. Her suggestion was to also ground the daughter. If you tolerate disrespect it only encourages it. I don't feel she was at all unjust towards her child and neither does my 13 year old. Teaching your children there are unpleasant consequences for bad attitude and disrespectful behavior is a parents job. If you fail to do this you are failing your child and setting them up for failure when they get out in the real world. This attitude would get her fired at work. Right now it gets Mama mad. Fine mama. Loves her and tries to correct it. At work no one loves you. Certainly they will not tolerate it.

See I think that the mom caused the issue. If she had just let the girl go play with her scooter it wouldn't have happened. This is a vicious cycle that will continue until the mom learns a different style. Until there is insight there can't be any change. Things will continue and get worse.

[spencerrn]

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[jennym91005]

OP- i actually think everything you have said you have done is correct in my eyes. i have a 5 yr old son who i dont get along with most of the time lately. he is defiant and does what he knows hes not supposed to. it is so frustrating! and i dont know what to do about it either. i know how you must be feeling. one thing you said that i feel exactly the same about is that you should be able to tell her to do something, and thats that. youre the mom you shouldnt have to explain yourself (you know, to a point, i think kids can ask questions and all that, but if you say it, it should get done). anyway, im dealing with the exact same stuff right now, dont have any answers, but wanted you to know you arent alone. if you figure out how to fix it, can you let me know? its tough!

[Michelle_M]

Slamming the door:
My step dad told me "The next time you slam that door you'll loose it." And sure enough, I slammed the door and he took it off the hinges and put it in the storage shed. I didn't have a bedroom door for about two weeks.

If I didn't give my mom my laundry when she asked for it, she said "Fine, I'm not going to wash it, you can do it yourself." Yep, I eventually ran out of clothes. Then my clothes pile was big enough that when I VERY POLITELY asked my mom to do my laundry she said "No, I have other laundry to do. You want clean clothes, wash them yourself." And guess what, I washed my clothes myself.

Didn't want to clean up my room? My step dad gave me until a certain day. Said if it wasn't clean by the time I left for school the next morning, he'd go in and clean it for me, with a trash bag. Came home to find A LOT of my stuff missing (he actually put the trash bag in the shed, and just let me THINK he threw my stuff away.. .after a week of keeping my room clean he gave me my stuff back. Told me that next time he'd throw it away for real.

Called my mom lazy ONCE. Her response... next time I asked her to do something for me, her response was "Oh I'm sorry, I'm too lazy."

And guess what all that taught me in my house.... to treat my parents with the respect that they deserved, because to GET respect, you have to EARN it by being respectful to everyone else in the family.

Good luck.
God bless!

[molly2419]

Originally Posted by Michelle_M Slamming the door: My step dad told me "The next time you slam that door you'll loose it." And sure enough, I slammed the door and he took it off the hinges and put it in the storage shed. I didn't have a bedroom door for about two weeks. If I didn't give my mom my laundry when she asked for it, she said "Fine, I'm not going to wash it, you can do it yourself." Yep, I eventually ran out of clothes. Then my clothes pile was big enough that when I VERY POLITELY asked my mom to do my laundry she said "No, I have other laundry to do. You want clean clothes, wash them yourself." And guess what, I washed my clothes myself. Didn't want to clean up my room? My step dad gave me until a certain day. Said if it wasn't clean by the time I left for school the next morning, he'd go in and clean it for me, with a trash bag. Came home to find A LOT of my stuff missing (he actually put the trash bag in the shed, and just let me THINK he threw my stuff away.. .after a week of keeping my room clean he gave me my stuff back. Told me that next time he'd throw it away for real. Called my mom lazy ONCE. Her response... next time I asked her to do something for me, her response was "Oh I'm sorry, I'm too lazy." And guess what all that taught me in my house.... to treat my parents with the respect that they deserved, because to GET respect, you have to EARN it by being respectful to everyone else in the family. Good luck. God bless!

Well said!

[Bear Family]

Originally Posted by chello have you sat her down and talked to her about it? I mean without lecturing etc? I totally agree that you need to put your foot down and deal with attitude like that, but at the same time if she just sees this as you suddenly becoming a control freak she's obviously not going to respond well. Explain why attitude like that is rude and unacceptable, and what your motivations are when you correct, question and discipline her. And then make that attitude truly unacceptable. When I was growing up it didn't matter how valid or legitimate what I wanted was, if I was being snotty I got nothing until my attitude changed. I remember my sister's room being stripped down to necessities, even pictures and stuff she had on the walls being taken away, she was left with her bed, a pillow, and something like 3 changes of clothes for awhile because she was not being respectful of the house and our parents. But at the same time, my parents always told us why being rude will not help us in life, why it's important to be respectful of the people and authority around you, and that we were not the most important person in the world, how we need to consider the people around us. It was never just "because I said so" without context, kwim?

Yes, so many times. I have tried talking to her about it, I have even been a few time so frusterated in the past that I have cried in front of her about her behavior (not on purpose, just emotions fly ya know). It hurts so much the way we interact.

And this isn't a sudden thing...it has been gradual. Her attitude has become worse in the past year, and I am sure it is age related, but that also means, that I have started to put my foot down a lot more, about things I wouldn't necessairly have in the past, just because I am trying to stand my ground and show her I am not putting up with it anymore. We have made headway, but I just feel like it is slow going.

Growing up for me was the same you described, there was no way an attitude like this would fly.

[musicalisa]

OP, I also have a 9 year-old daughter and I teach 9 year-olds LOL... I am surrounded by the kind of behavior you describe! I know what you're talking about. One of the things that has worked a little with my daughter is discussing expectations *before* something happens, and also setting boundaries (i.e. if she wants to whine and mope and cry that's fine - but she has to go do it in her room with the door closed).

I can't even imagine what puberty is going to be like...

[Bear Family]

Originally Posted by pumkinsmommy See I think that the mom caused the issue. If she had just let the girl go play with her scooter it wouldn't have happened. This is a vicious cycle that will continue until the mom learns a different style. Until there is insight there can't be any change. Things will continue and get worse.

Wow really?

I have tried to explain the whole reasoning behind the bike thing. Let's try a different way. Yes, I asked, I had a reason for asking about the scooter, I thought her bike was broke, it wasn't for trying to get in the middle of her friendship. The reason I had such an isue about it is because of her response. She flat out told me she didn't want to ride it, and would rather ride her bike. As a mother, in that moment in time (because of other issues about her being her own person around her friends), I felt it was my job to explain to her that she in fact she could be her own person and decide on her own. I was not trying to instigate a fight with my (almost) 9 yr old. The fact of the matter is, I asked, for valid reasons IMO, under NO circumstances should it have turned into the attitude I received in return.

[Bear Family]

Originally Posted by jennym91005 OP- i actually think everything you have said you have done is correct in my eyes. i have a 5 yr old son who i dont get along with most of the time lately. he is defiant and does what he knows hes not supposed to. it is so frustrating! and i dont know what to do about it either. i know how you must be feeling. one thing you said that i feel exactly the same about is that you should be able to tell her to do something, and thats that. youre the mom you shouldnt have to explain yourself (you know, to a point, i think kids can ask questions and all that, but if you say it, it should get done). anyway, im dealing with the exact same stuff right now, dont have any answers, but wanted you to know you arent alone. if you figure out how to fix it, can you let me know? its tough!

Thank you!!!