I got pregnant while on the pill! He is happy, I am not so sure

[thekuan]

This happened to me with DD1. Exactly the same thing: bc failure, him saying he wanted to get married before having a baby, etc.

And I reacted the same way, accusing him of marrying me out of obligation.

In retrospect, it was more that he loved me and wanted to make sure that both me and the baby knew that we were wanted before she was born, and he was making a solid commitment to us both. It's hard not to let the hormones get in the way.

Good luck, mama.

[Hillargh]

Originally Posted by Rdesonia It sounds like you two were already talking about having a future. The baby is just going to speed up the plans. I think every little girl dreams of the perfect big wedding. But honestly, I think having a happy life and family is more important. Why not compromise and have a small church wedding? A small group of friends and family. It doesn't have to cost a ton. I understand not want to go into debt for a big wedding. Why spend all that money when it would better go toward a down payment of a house?

Sounds to me like that's what OP wants but bf does not.

OP, no one knows for sure what your bf meant by his words except him.

Sit down with him, lay all of these feelings out on the table, and see what he says. Explain your fears of marriage for obligation/stigma, why you want a meaningful ceremony and that while you understand his feelings, you don't agree-- it does mean a lot to you, and isn't pointless in your eyes.

And it's okay to have doubts. We all have our doubts about many things. Being afraid when you have a surprise babe doesn't make you a bad person. But I would suggest sharing your fears with him. He should be able to comfort you and qualm some of them. You don't have to carry the burden of doubt alone.

Be open and honest, and communicate. Having been married before, you know that's key to any relationship. Don't hold it all in or give up and end up resentful or bitter about things. Give him a chance to listen, respond, and understand.

I think a lot of times we let past relationships and fears for current ones make us afraid to be open. But if you aren't, you can expect magical compromise kwim?

I hope you get it all figured out and in a way that you feel good about.

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[BoyCrazy]

I think you both need to give the marriage topic some time to marinate. It doesn't need to all be hashed out in one night. If you want to marry each other, a few months won't change that, and will give you some time to wrap your heads around your situation. I hope your wedding will be the celebration of your love that you want and deserve, but planning the marriage is much more important!

[JeDeeLenae]

Why don't you guys talk about a budget for the wedding. He may be thinking small to you is $10,000. And I'm poetry sure the average wedding is at least $15,000. Show him what kind of budget you're thinking with. She I'd also let this while thing sit a but more. My first son was not born when we were married. And my last son was born months before the divorce...

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[mommy2kaitlyn]

Originally Posted by Hillargh Sounds to me like that's what OP wants but bf does not. OP, no one knows for sure what your bf meant by his words except him. Sit down with him, lay all of these feelings out on the table, and see what he says. Explain your fears of marriage for obligation/stigma, why you want a meaningful ceremony and that while you understand his feelings, you don't agree-- it does mean a lot to you, and isn't pointless in your eyes. And it's okay to have doubts. We all have our doubts about many things. Being afraid when you have a surprise babe doesn't make you a bad person. But I would suggest sharing your fears with him. He should be able to comfort you and qualm some of them. You don't have to carry the burden of doubt alone. Be open and honest, and communicate. Having been married before, you know that's key to any relationship. Don't hold it all in or give up and end up resentful or bitter about things. Give him a chance to listen, respond, and understand. I think a lot of times we let past relationships and fears for current ones make us afraid to be open. But if you aren't, you can expect magical compromise kwim? I hope you get it all figured out and in a way that you feel good about. Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using DS Forum

I agree with this. Keep talking to him OP! Also just because you haven't talked in depth about marriage before it doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about it. It sounds to me he is more worried about the cost of the wedding then marrying you. Meaning he may have had it in his mind for awhile. You have talked about it some to know about the wedding issue.

[tommymommy]

It might help if you can articulate what is "meaningful" to you? When you start to say my family and his family I could see his eyes glaze over. Its open ended with a big potential for what he doesn't want. Does having your family there mean flying several people in from your home country? Just your parents? What if you married in Maine with a small ceremony with his family and then took a honeymoon to where your family is? Could/would they throw you a reception that would fulfill your hopes?

Maybe write down exactly what you want if everything was perfect and see how he feels about it. In your head keep a list of the minimum requirements (like, do you want it to be religious?) and see if you can compromise it to something that is satisfying.

If you don't know what you want, then he really doesn't know what you want, kwIm?

[RainandRedemption]

Maybe a happy medium? A dinner with family cannot be seen as a waste of money, nor can celebrating your relationship and new baby. So, how about signing the papers at the courthouse... just you and dp. Then a small celebratory dinner with family... you can make it an intimate celebration.... exchange a few words, exchange rings, eat a dinner and drink some champaign. You could decorate with pictures, flowers, balloons.... even set up the music you want to have playing. You can both get what you want; you, an intimate celebration, and he; a marriage with no wasteful and unnecessary spending!

Talk to him about your worry of him marrying you because he has to. Changes are he didn't phrase his thoughts very well.... if he is excited about the baby, to me, it seems like he is excited about your future together and building a family.

Congrats on the baby! When he/she gets here you won't be able to imagine what your life would have been like without the little one!!

[13kittycats]

Momma-- consider seeking individualized marriage counseling through a pastor or SW. It will help you sort through first if you want or are ready to be remarried and having a child.

The nice thing about 9 months of pregnancy-- it gives you 9 months to decide if you want to keep the baby or seek adoption. Planned parenthood only gives you weeks during a very emotional time in your life.

Sounds like you bf wants to do what is "right" and that is honorable. Take a little time and seek additional wisdom to find out what your "right" is.

[MamaJules]

I obviously don't know this guy at all, so I'm only basing this on the very limited information we have -- but it sounds like he truly loves you, and wants what is best for this baby. Not in all cases, but I truly believe that in MOST cases, having a married mother and father who are commited to each other and their children is the best scenario for a child to grow up in. You have to decide -- is the issue whether you believe he truly loves you or not? If so, sit down and have a heart-to-heart discussion with him about your doubts and fears. Or is the issue whether you do a small simple wedding with family, or elope like he wants -- if so, sit down with him (after you have had time to think about and possibly even write down what you are looking for in a wedding) and tell him your thoughts and dreams on how you picture the wedding. Like others have said, a wedding does not need to be expensive.

[Kimmyann]

Only get married if you both want to for the right reasons. If either of you do it out of obligations then likely the marriage won't last. There is less and less stigma to raising kids without a marriage these days. Hardly anyone questions it.