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Old 08-18-2012, 08:12 AM   #11
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Re: S/O name stealing...

It really is easier said than done for some couples to just pick a different name. If you've never been on the "stealing" side, it can be hard to understand that. My BFF had a DD 6 months before me. She chose a name KNOWING that I had dreamed of having a daughter with that name since I was around 10 or 12 years old. At the time, I told her it was no big deal because I thought my husband didn't like it. Well, come to find out he did. We tried VERY hard to cross it off our list and actually had a different name picked out. I just couldn't stop coming back to the name I really wanted and my husband was doing the same. So, I talked to my BFF about it. I'm SO thankful she told me to use it and had no issue with it. Now, I have 5 boys (almost) and only 1 girl. I really can't imagine her being named anything else. The name is so special to me. Our kids do have the same name, but it's fine. It doesn't cause any issues and she tends to call hers a nick name and I don't.

With my twin boys who are my youngest till Oct, I wanted a name that happened to be my step-brother's name. (I did not meet him till a couple years prio to the boys since our parents married then.) It was also the name of my BFF's husband, who's DD's name we "stole." (It wasn't stolen at all, but you know what I mean.) I just couldn't do it. My boys are a little over 2 and I STILL wish I'd gone with it. I'm having another boy and I want it again, but I think we are going to skip it again. This is our last opportunity to use it. Am I going to regret it....probably.

And, I've also had a name sort of stolen from me. My SIL and BIL had triplets just 6wks before my first set of twins were born. They were due 8wks after mine. *We* were the first to tell our names and our babies were supposed to be born first. We choose to name our son (the twin of the above DD) a middle name after my FIL. Well, after we told them this several times, when their son (only boy of the trips) was born they did the same saying they were naming him after BIL. (Didn't even give us a heads up, just did it.) My BIL's original birth name was the same as FIL, but he legally changed it over 20 years ago to his nick name. I totally understand why the choose that name. It is a family name. But, I couldn't help but be bothered by it a little. I got over it pretty quickly, but still it annoyed me at first.

After the above experiences, I really do have a new perspective on the name stealing thing. I didn't want to be on either end of this issue. Neither was okay with me and both were stressful for me. (BTW, being the one "stealing" was much more stressful! That fact that you say "it came out" tells me it might be stressing her too.) I see both sides clearly. Just because you don't think she's been thinking of that name for a while, doesn't mean she hasn't. I kept my strong desire for my DD's name to myself for almost my entire pregnancy. And, I had 2 boys prior to having the one I almost named my step-brother and BFF's husband's name. I didn't even know I liked it till then, but we REALLY struggled to find something else and I still think about it. You really just don't know why they choose it and shouldn't assume it would have been all that easy to come up with something else.

So, my advice is to vent about it and be annoyed and then get over it. Be the bigger person and realize that not holding a grudge over it may be a huge blessing to her.

Sorry, this was really long winded like I tend to be.....

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Old 08-18-2012, 08:32 AM   #12
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Re: S/O name stealing...

That wouldn't really bother me, since it's her middle name. If it was her first name, I would be annoyed. My aunt had her daughter 3 months after I had my oldest and she used DD's middle name for her daughter, it really didn't bother me.
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:11 AM   #13
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Re: S/O name stealing...

I personally don't believe in "name stealing". People don't steal names, they hear them and like them, or they liked them for awhile and just didn't tell anyone. You don't have rights to a name and I wouldn't say anything. I also wouldn't be annoyed or upset.
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:08 AM   #14
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Re: S/O name stealing...

Going against popular opinion, I think it depends on the closeness of the relative. My husband happened to like the name of a second cousin I have seen maybe once or twice in my life; we used it, and I didn't feel guilty, but as a middle name, and I don't think the second cousin even knows.

On the other hand, though, sister's baby names, first and middle, or definitely off limits. No, no one "owns" a name, I just consider it good manners, and a kindness to those I love most not to do something I know is going to annoy them. My sis did not consider any of my favorites for her kids, and vice versa.

I would not hold a grudge against my sis and let it come between us, but if she was pregnant, and had chosen my child's first or middle name, and it bothered me, I would tell her so, and ask her to change it.

The oddest case of attempted name stealing I had was actually our dog -- I announced the top three choices on FB, and as soon I did, my brother's family went out and got a dog (we had a puppy, who was still with her mama, not yet weaned) and tried to convince his kids to use our top choice, which we did end up using. Fortunately, his daughter disliked the name, and vetoed it, but she did rat him out Really, a dog? But again, it wouldn't have come between us.

But regardless of what is fair, what are the "rules" for "stealing" a first vs. middle name, who has the "right" to what, this is your sister we are talking about, and presumably she loves you, and might change her mind if she knew her name choice was upsetting you. It doesn't really matter whether or not someone else would be bothered, you are. Just ask, being prepared to let it go if she says "no". I'm kind of guessing it would depend on your sister's long term attachment to the name, if she had loved that name forever and wanted to use it, vs. just hearing it for her niece and deciding she really liked it. My niece's (very unique) middle name was actually my sister's first choice for a first name, and putting it as a middle name was a huge compromise for her. I wouldn't dream of using it as a first name for my own, that would be officially "rubbing it in". My brother's daughter's middle name is a tribute to my SIL ancestry, it is beautiful, but I wouldn't use it either. Both names were incredibly special to the mothers, unlike something more common like Grace, Rose, Hope, etc. On the other hand, two of my daughters have middle names of "Grace" and "Elizabeth" both common middle names, chosen only because I thought they were pretty, and sounded nice with the first names; it would not have nearly the same feeling if a family member "took" one of those.
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:23 AM   #15
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Re: S/O name stealing...

i dont think middle names are protected by the baby name stealing rules lol my mother named her son Ryan which is my son's middle name (my son is 2 years older) didnt bother me at all
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:24 AM   #16
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Re: S/O name stealing...

my DD's name is Pandora, i would be pretty miffed if someone i am close to used it
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:32 AM   #17
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No you dont have any 'rights' to a name. I just dont understand why ppl get their panties in a bunch when someone else wants to use 'their' name. If everyone of my family members and friends decided to name their kid the same name as dd1(whos 1st and middle where my gmas-name stealing I suppose- who I adored as a child and knew I'd name my lil girl after her since I was, oh 6)I wouldnt be pissy-Id think they had great taste and the meaning wouldnt be diminshed in the least. Or maybe they would choose dd2s name-Id be flattered that they thought so highly of a name dh picked that they would want to name their own child the same thing.

*You* (general you since this 'name stealing' thing seems to be a common source of frustration lately) can chose to be upset or be flattered. And if *you* choose to waste your energy getting upset about something you have no control over and 'name stealing' is the biggest 'problem' you have with someone, then count your blessings.
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:34 AM   #18
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Re: S/O name stealing...

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Originally Posted by my2sweets View Post
I just dont understand why ppl get their panties in a bunch when someone else wants to use 'their' name.
because i chose a unique name for DD for a reason
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:55 AM   #19
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Re: S/O name stealing...

no it wouldnt really bother me, especially if you dont use your daughters middle name regularly.
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:59 AM   #20
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Re: S/O name stealing...

I would be honored actually. DD will probably be so proud that they are using her middle name!
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