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Old 08-19-2012, 07:05 PM   #1
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Hello!
I have read a few threads all asking how to start but I guess I want to start my own thread. I have 3 amazing healthy boys, but I am not done. I just don't feel complete. I've prayed and prayed about it and a couple weeks ago dh and I thought maybe I was pregnant. I was scared to death. When ds3 was 3 days old I went into heart failure. All the built up fluid had surrounded my heart and was filling my lungs. I was told if I had waited even a few hours to get to the hospital I would have died. In the first 24 hours of my 4 day hospital stay I lost 22lbs of fluid. It was terrifying. I have no permanent heart damage but I do have high blood pressure now. My OB and cardiologist say it was a fluke pregnancy thing and that it *should* never happen again, but what if they are wrong? I am a Christian and I am not afraid of dying, but I have these 3 boys God has entrusted to me to raise. It isn't worth the risk. So, Dh and I have been talking and he is VERY open to adoption. He actually shocked me with how 'ok' he is with it. He said he is afraid he'd treat the baby different because it isn't 'our' baby but I think he'd fall in love over time and would be ok, maybe I'm wrong, do any of you have thoughts about this?

Also, I want a GIRL. I have 3 boys, I love them to pieces but I don't need another boy. I feel selfish even saying that. I feel like I'm placing an order, "I'd like a healthy baby girl, I don't care what race she is but I'd like her to be under six months old." Seems to be asking too much, right? It is selfish, it is not the attitude of adoption to provide a home to a little one that needs it but I'm wanting to get a child to fulfill MY wish of raising a little girl. Maybe two. Dh is open to a sibling set of two girls, or adopting one girl and then a couple years later maybe another. Of course he is stressed out about the money side of it too. We have a friend that grew up with her parents fostering and they adopted 4 or 5 kids out of the system and now she and her husband are fostering. She says we could do foster to adopt but I think I would lose control if I raised a baby girl for any amount of time and then had her taken away (a baby boy too for that matter, I'd get too attached).

So, I guess what I am asking is if you think I am being too selfish or if this is something that other people do (specify healthy infant of a certain gender), or maybe just talk me through some of this, its like I'm not even sure what I am thinking and I certainly don't have the words to express it. Maybe I'm asking too much.

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Old 08-19-2012, 08:29 PM   #2
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Re: Hi!

Well, I have four bio boys and we are only fostering girls (up to two at a time) ages 0-3 years. My county was not happy about me only taking girls but with only one spare bedroom and my boys already paired up, I would only be able to have two girls or two boys long term/forever and I want the chance at raising a girl so girls it is.The thing about fostering is you often don't get to adopt in the end. I've had four different placements in 1.5 years of being licensed and all went back to parents or to another family member. 0-6 months is a really small age range and you would mostly be getting drug addicted/exposed newborns with that stipulation. Not exactly "healthy". Two of mine have been drug addicted/exposed newborns and the beginning was far from fun. Honestly it sounds like a private domestic newborn adoption might be a better fit for you. There are agencies that allow you to select gender. It's definitely my back-up plan as I don't know how much longer I can do this. I see you're in Ohio and I think there's a couple here from there? Here and on another site, I have not heard good things about being able to foster to adopt. Some places it is easier than others, but pretty sure Ohio isn't one of those places.
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Old 08-20-2012, 05:58 AM   #3
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Re: Hi!

I would ask around in your area. Around here, foster to adopt happens all the time. Your experience and length of the case varies greatly by county. I feel like God puts these obstacles in our lives in order to direct us to the path he has for us. We have four boys and I have to have c-sections. Like you, I feel like another pregnancy is too risky. Would I have followed that path had God not put this obstacle in my way? Maybe not, certainly not as early in life. It's not selfish, it's what you know is best for your family. I know another boy would wear me out. A girl on the other hand, has been a breath of fresh air for me.

As far as loving and letting go....there have been some kids that I knew were not "mine". This little one is my girl. Loved her just as I do my others almost from day one. I pray that she will be forever, but if she is not I have come to a place where I am grateful to be her Mom for today and likely at least the next year. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow with any of my kids right? For this little girl, I will love her and let her go if I have to, and never regret the pain I may endure because she has needed me to her Mommy so desperately. Does that make sense?
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Old 08-20-2012, 07:51 AM   #4
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Re: Hi!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama2ManyBoyz View Post
As far as loving and letting go....there have been some kids that I knew were not "mine". This little one is my girl. Loved her just as I do my others almost from day one. I pray that she will be forever, but if she is not I have come to a place where I am grateful to be her Mom for today and likely at least the next year. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow with any of my kids right? For this little girl, I will love her and let her go if I have to, and never regret the pain I may endure because she has needed me to her Mommy so desperately. Does that make sense?
We're just getting started, but I this reply, especially the bolded!
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:50 AM   #5
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See though, as I could have said the same about one of my four. I really thought she was meant to be mine but wasn't to be. I would have joyfully kept any of them, but the one I "felt" wasn't happening. It is the hardest thing I'll probably ever do and it IS worth it, but there's a point where I'm not sure how much longer my whole family can continue to say good bye, you know?
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:57 AM   #6
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Re: Hi!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama2ManyBoyz View Post
I pray that she will be forever, but if she is not I have come to a place where I am grateful to be her Mom for today and likely at least the next year. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow with any of my kids right? For this little girl, I will love her and let her go if I have to, and never regret the pain I may endure because she has needed me to her Mommy so desperately. Does that make sense?
Although I am not yet a foster parent, I think this quote sums up how I feel about it. I know it will hurt if we come to feel the strong attachment to a child, but they need us for whatever time we have them and I am willing to give them that love even if I can't have them forever. I have had two children die. I would not have avoided that pain by not wanting and loving them. It is terribly painful and such a huge loss for your child to die but they were here and you were able to love them. When the time comes to let them go you hurt like crazy in ways most will never understand but you survive somehow. I imagine "losing" a foster child we wanted to adopt could not possibly be as hard. I am sure it will hurt deeply if we become that attached and I am sure there are so many complicated feelings one cannot imagine until they have lived through it but after the death of my babies I think I have a good idea of how painful it could become and I am prepared to face that if it helps children who need it.
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:20 AM   #7
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Re: Hi!

In my own way I've lost a child. Grieved the loss, suffered anxiety through it, and depression afterwards. Because of this it's easy for me to say, that I can love her and let go. I know that I would never erase that child from my life so that I could erase the pain. Likewise, I know I am blessed to be her Mommy for a time no matter what the aftermath. As far as doing it over and over repeatedly...that might wear on my spirit, only time will tell.
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:52 PM   #8
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Thanks for the replies. I just don't know that I could handle having a baby or child taken away. We will look more into adoption and pray, pray, pray! Thanks mamas!
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Old 09-07-2012, 05:35 AM   #9
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Re: Hi!

praying for you
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