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Old 09-24-2012, 10:53 AM   #11
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

I wouldn't do anything permanent unless you are both 100% sure.

My husband was sure we were done after our 3rd was born, he wasn't even sure he wanted a 3rd. I KNEW I was not done, but we continued NFP TTA because I knew we both needed to be in a place where we were okay with another before getting pregnant.

When our daughter was 14 months old he approached me saying that he felt that someone was missing from our family, and when he looked ahead to the future he felt that we were supposed to have more than 3 adult children.

Lucky for us, we're Catholic and use NFP, so we never have to have the big permanent "we're done" talk even if we don't plan on having anymore. I would have been heart broken if we did something permanent after our daughter was born and then he had that regret later.


Hi I'm Sara mommy to 4 little Mischief Makers
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Old 09-25-2012, 07:42 PM   #12
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

Originally Posted by Melinda29 View Post
My sister was in a similar situation...She wanted 4, her hubs wanted 1-2 max. After baby #2, she scheduled his vasectomy and drove him there and everything.

A lot of people have asked her why her husband has been so "unreasonable" about the issue, but what they don't know is that she could have talked him into eventually having more, even if he didn't want more. He's a nice guy, a loving husband. He just does not want more kids.

And she respects that. The way she puts it, "A child is a big deal. A BIG deal. I don't want any of our children to be something that I had to *convince* him of. It's not right if our child was not fully wanted from the start by *both* of us. It's not fair to our marriage to convince him to do something this BIG. It is a lifetime committment. It's not like painting the dining room a color he hates but finally agreed to do anyway--you can undo that. You can't undo a child."

It helped me understand her perspective when she explained it. Just food for thought, if it helps.
I think that's amazing of your sister! I also took a similar stance with my DH but when we first talked he said he thought we were done. I asked him to just think about it for a while and let me know before we did anything permanent. In his case, he just simply hadn't thought much more about it after our youngest DS was born. The next day, actually, the next morning after our talk, he came home at 9am from work just to tell me he did want to have another baby! I think sometimes they just need some time to think about it and consider your feelings. I definitely wouldn't have pushed him if he had come back and said he was done, but I really hoped he would consider my feelings and especially how I felt we were missing a family member like SaraElise said. I honestly feel like we have missing spots (at least one, maybe two) in our family and do not feel it is complete. DH doesn't have that strong feeling, but he is very understanding and respectful of my thoughts, feelings and intuitions. I think like previous posters have said, a permanent "fix" should be delayed until you're both 100% either way. I think it would be just as hard to have a brokenhearted mama from missing a child she wanted so badly as it would be to have a baby that daddy wasn't thrilled about from the beginning. JMO.
~Kristen~ Married to my & Airman James (01/03)
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Old 10-29-2012, 01:02 PM   #13
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

Please don't rush into anything! We were in a similar situation after #4, plus I was stressed out with managing with another newbie, so we rushed into dh getting a V. Now we both regret it dearly and it has really caused some issues in our marriage and intimacy. Almost everyone is stressed right after having a baby. If there is even a hint of doubt, try temporary methods until baby is closer to a year (or more). Then decide once things are flowing much more smoothly and the long sleepless night are over.
Heather - happily married to Adam since 2003 - homeschooling mama to Wyatt (9/04), Levi (9/06), Ryleigh (12/07), and Amelia (12/09)
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Old 11-01-2012, 06:57 PM   #14
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Re: 4 kids, husband is "done" im not sure?

my hubs is in a similar mindset. he is done for now and possibly forever...hasn't done anything permanent just yet but i'm starting to want him to due to wishing we didn't have to prevent so really affects our intimacy...

but i do appreciate the sentiments that a few posters have shared in regards to the mutual decision. i really want to consciously welcome another child into our lives...while an oops would be more likely at this point, it would take a lot of warming up on hubs' part and i feel like a lot of the experience would be diluted as a result.

as for the paint color comment...haha that's funny but the tangible URGE to have another baby so that you're intensely dreaming and hoping and consumed by the desire at least a week out of every month is a little different than picking a wall but i do get it.
becky. no vax, no circ, extended bf'ing, babywearing, homebirthing multiples mama to: m (3/10/96), o (8/10/07), p (5/11/09) r (2/14/11) and l (2/15/11) and r (12/25/13)
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Old 11-04-2012, 09:47 PM   #15
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My dh has a son from a previous marriage, and swore he never wanted more kids. We had a "surprise" pregnancy early in our relationship, and after our son was born he once again said he was done and wanted a V. I knew I wanted more and asked him to wait because I just felt in my heart that I wasn't done. A few months later he we were sitting on the couch and he said that if we're going to have one more we should have them close together. We conceived our second sin on our honeymoon and they are 20 months apart. Dh got a V when I was 36 weeks pregnant with ds2. Ds2 is now 17 months and I long for another baby, have since he was 6 months old. Dh is a wonderful father and husband but has no desire for any more kids. I feel we compromised. I remind myself I have 2 amazing sons and 1 amazing stepson, that we can support without worry. I am blessed. I do hope one day my desire for another will not be so strong.
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