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Old 02-09-2012, 03:29 PM   #1
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Red face Polyamory and TTC...

ONe of the reasons I adovated for the start of the non-trad forum was to have a place to go when I had things I want to talk about without having to explain *what* poly is and *why* we thinks its best before getting to the point/situation I want to talk about... So, are there any poly/poly friendly people that have a moment to listen?

I have a SO that has just become available again after a mistake of a marriage and is now interested in joining the conversation my DH and I are having about TTC this summer. the conversations are getting, well, interesting even for us. (I should clarify that this is a Vee and not a triad, they have no relationship other than both loving me). I don't want to go into more detail unless someone that "gets it" is around to listen... Love to all readers, and no judgment, just looking for compersion.

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Old 02-10-2012, 06:39 AM   #2
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

I am not in a poly relationship currently, but am open to the idea and friendly to the topic. I am available if you need to talk.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:29 AM   #3
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

Thanks! 119 views and only you... lol. It's good to know people are curious. I was trying to be as kind as i could be, but if you're friendly you are probably friends with people that have to explain what, why, and how to anyone that they talk to. It's nice, once in a while, to have a conversation *as if* having several relationships *at a time* were normal and the problems/stress associated with it were something to support rather than gawk at. You know?

Small backround story: DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. SO and I have been dating for 7 years, he's been married/mono for the last 4 years/ separated for about a month... though we all saw it coming and it was not a surprise for the last year. SO, DH and I talked about TTC 5 years ago, then he met his XW and decided to be mono while they had a LO and got settled. DH and I were surprising successful cause we found out we were expecting b4 officially TTC. SO and I still saw one another, though strictly non-sexual for the last 4 years. DH and I have a 4yo and an 18 mo already.

anyway... Now SO and DH are on different timelines, and my timeline is different from each of them. I am not willing to even entertain the idea of TTC with SO until he's been divorced, legally, for at least 6 months. That leaves him at being ready about a year from now. DH wants to be having a baby in a year, I'd prefer 16-18 months from now, and if we go ahead with that it would be 3 years or more before SO and I could think about the possibility of TTC together. grrr... I don't want to wait that long and have a huge gap, but i kinda feel like its rude, after he has expressed interest (again) and we go ahead without him (again). I mean, he has a son with XW and will continue to see him, only... we have wanted to TTC together for 5 years already and it's just frustrating...

Wish I could have litter, you know... lol
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:27 PM   #4
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

not poly or know anyone IRL who is, but that does sound frustrating. honestly, it seems like you are going to have to be the one who compromises somehow since you are the common link. I am not trying to be mean, but I agree with you about SO waiting til divorce is final + 6mo. I think if you wait to try with SO then you could be in your timeline or close to it assuming you got pg right away. But then your hubby might sulk for this next year if he wants a baby now... Good luck.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:44 PM   #5
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

DH and I have a good relationship. If i chose to wait a year to start ttc, so he would have to wait 2 years for babyness, He wouldn't sulk. He'd comment from time about how old our DS2 is getting, but that would be the end of it, and not out of malice but out of whimsy.

I think what will happen is that I will get my way as far as timeline, DH/I will TTC this summer and SO and I will wait for the next one. Probably end up TTC asap... which will put the next two closer together than the last ones, but I am ok with that since having a LO with SO will mean he's around a lot more and we'll have the help to handle it. We all signed up for big family anyway.
JUst wish it wasn't so hard to make good decisions. PLUS, DH and I have to decide where to live now that we've sold our house... and SO will have to be part of that discussion before we talk about TTC.

will be wonderful either way...
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Old 02-10-2012, 05:52 PM   #6
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

sounds like it will all work out then!! happy for you
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Old 02-10-2012, 05:58 PM   #7
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

I hope it works out for you! I can never figure out why some people think it is ok to be mean to someone who is different than they are??? I started watching the Sister Wives show and think that they seem normal and happy and that I know plenty of 1 husband/1 wife families that are a mess, lol! To each his own. As long as it works for you and you are happy, I say go for it!!!!!!!!!!
Best of luck to you!!!
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Old 02-10-2012, 08:23 PM   #8
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

aww.. i didn't see this yesterday!

sounds like you do have a good timeline going in your head as to waht you want. and if they are willing to follow through on it... specially SO. waiting till 6 months after the official divorce is a good thing. time to work on the 2 of you without XW hovering in his mind between you and SO.
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Old 02-10-2012, 08:50 PM   #9
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another poly-friendly here.

(((hug))) - it sounds like you're being wise and mindful of everyone involved. I wish it would not be so complicated for you. but it's great to hear about people being mature and level-headed. best of luck!

cheers,
renee

please excuse any typos --> Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum
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Old 02-11-2012, 09:29 AM   #10
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Re: Polyamory and TTC...

Thanks everyone.
I just hope I can remember to be level headed and with-it in the moment, you know?

I think it would be so much easier if we were actually polygamous. Having an integrated SO would make things easier. Even as difficult as it would be to explain to the outside world my 2DHs... ... it would be easier to show a healthy happy loving family that all lives and operates under the same roof than to try to explain that I/we are all ok/happy while one member lives elsewhere.

And I mean, it will all be complicated figuring out how to explain to ILs, and other people that DH is not daddy to #4, as it is... In general we just let people think what they want, but it would be a surprise to ILs if we start splitting holidays suddenly and w/o explaining... (We're not open with them about relationships, tho DH and I have talked about our 'friends' so I think they won't be surprised...)
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