Diaper Swappers

happysmileylady · 08-31-2012, 06:08 PM

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's interested in making any real commitment. I wouldn't do it because I think it would lead you do heartbreak.

DH and I were engaged when I moved him in with me. Actually he had been spending most of his nights at my apartment anyway, and was rarely at his house, but we made it official and put him on the lease about 6 months before we actually got married (we had a 15 month engagement.) It was more about convenience than anything, because we were already engaged, the vast majority of the wedding was already put together.

I would not want my daughter to move in with someone just because they felt it was the next step or because they wanted to avoid marriage. I firmly believe in but if someone doesn't want to get married, I am fine with that too. I think though that if you want a separate life from your girlfriend, then you just keep it separate. I think long term cohabitation without a commitment rarely if ever turns out well.

TaraB · 08-31-2012, 06:11 PM

For me.....my DH and I bought a house together while engaged (he was living at his moms but spending most nights at our house) and had premartial sex beforehand as well even though both of our ideals were to wait until we were married. Honestly I feel like both were hard on our marriage. I was more stressed about our choices being against our ideals and beliefs. I wish that we would have had the self control to wait until we were married.

If your beliefs or ideals are to be married before living together then dont compromise. There will most likely be regret because you are going against what you originally wanted. If you want/need commitment in the form of marriage before living together then dont compromise your ideal.

KelseyH · 08-31-2012, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

I think long term cohabitation without a commitment rarely if ever turns out well.

I agree. DH and I knew each other 13 weeks before we got married. It cost us $40 or $50 at the local courthouse in front of immediate family - I did not want the stress of planning a wedding haha. The latter half of those 13 weeks he spent on the other side of the world (fire fighter in Iraq).

I think what makes our marriage different (2 years down the road) from his friends who have been married/divorced/miserably married is the fact that we stepped into this with only ONE option - staying married to one another. No divorce, no matter what. He divorced once, his dad divorced 3x (working on #4), and there is divorce riddled throughout my family as well. Neither of us wanted any part of that, and it was something we discussed before getting married was even mentioned.

Honestly I think your SO is leaving himself an "out" if he doesn't want to commit to the hard work of a marriage. The cohabitation/non-cohabitation prior to marriage debate aside, there is undeniable evidence that cohabiting couples are far more unstable than married couples. (not saying there are no exceptions, but that is the rule of thumb according to statistics).

Marriage is important to you because security and loyalty are things you value, and you need him to show you that your family is secure and he is loyal to you by committing to you through marriage (am I right?). I don't know what I would do in your situation since DH was more than happy to marry me, but I would definitely start out with expressing the ROOT of your issue with his decision/opinion: not just "you won't marry me", but "My need for security/loyalty/whatever is not being met because you are reluctant to commit, and that causes fear/anxiety/doubt/etc."

The Seven Conflicts by Tim and Joy Downs is a very good and quick read and shed a lot of light on deep rooted feelings/struggles that DH and I have had with each other. Maybe it would help your SO understand why he doesn't want to get married or why you so desperately do? Good luck.

Leighleighbuggy · 08-31-2012, 06:30 PM

Dh and I lived together a year and a half before we married. I am glad we did and will recommend my children do so as well.

Iliana · 08-31-2012, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KelseyH

Marriage is important to you because security and loyalty are things you value, and you need him to show you that your family is secure and he is loyal to you by committing to you through marriage (am I right?).

Dead on! That is exactly how I feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KelseyH

The Seven Conflicts by Tim and Joy Downs is a very good and quick read and shed a lot of light on deep rooted feelings/struggles that DH and I have had with each other. Maybe it would help your SO understand why he doesn't want to get married or why you so desperately do? Good luck.

I have been seeing a therapist since the divorce and now with all this drama as well. She recommended a few books. They have shed light on my fears/anxieties from an intellectual point of view, but have failed to address the spiritual/emotional part. I will give it a try and hope it works for me. Thanks!

rumblepurr · 08-31-2012, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iliana

He suggested eloping and I told him no way in hell. That is what I did with my ex and I have still a bitter memory about it. If he was willing to give his ex (a crazy, controlling person) a wedding, why not me?

(note: I do not need a crazy huge wedding. A simple, joyful ceremony in front of his family and closest friends would suffice. He still said he was against it).

So he does want to marry you! He's down with eloping and your not because you eloped with your ex, and you want a wedding and he's against it because he did that with his ex? Sounds like he wants to marry you just not with the wedding, and you want to marry him and just not elope. Sounds like your both blaming the wedding/elopement as the cause of the problems leading to the divorce, a been there done that scenario.

What about eloping somewhere romantic and having a nice reception party when you get back?
I can see not being happy with an elopement though. I would want my family to witness any vows I took, but I can also see coming to a compromise to make both of you happy. Maybe a tiny wedding with just the parents and sibs involved, no friends outside of the attendants, and you line it out for him so he sees it's nothing like his previous wedding, budget and everything?

What ever you decide, it sounds like he is committed enough to marry, even if it's not the venue of your choice.

teacherpippi · 08-31-2012, 06:40 PM

NPR did a segment several months ago about the cohabitating thing- the rates are higher for couples who cohabitate if they go into the cohabitating for "testing it out." Couples who go in with clear expectations (short term or long term) had rates similar to married couples.

It would seem solidifying what you two are expecting out of a relationship is a bigger factor than cohabitating.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 08-31-2012, 06:44 PM

honestly i thought vegas was fun, we stayed 3 nights at a nice hotel and it was really romantic. his friends were able to drive up from LA

Iliana · 08-31-2012, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rumblepurr

So he does want to marry you! He's down with eloping and your not because you eloped with your ex, and you want a wedding and he's against it because he did that with his ex? Sounds like he wants to marry you just not with the wedding, and you want to marry him and just not elope. Sounds like your both blaming the wedding/elopement as the cause of the problems leading to the divorce, a been there done that scenario.

What ever you decide, it sounds like he is committed enough to marry, even if it's not the venue of your choice.

I hope you are right. But since I said not to eloping, he hasn't brought the topic up again. I fear doing so because another rejection is something I can't take right now.

milosmama · 08-31-2012, 07:28 PM

I find it so interesting that so many "statistic" quotes are referenced when it comes to this kind of topic. I personally don't put too much merrit in a "statistic" that can have too many variables not recognized. Religion, personal family history, age, having children, etc. can greatly effect wether a marriage is successful or not. The singular idea of cohabitating before marriage as opposed to not doesn't dictate an increased rate of success (or not), alone.
My "hubby" and I have been living together for almost 10 years now without marriage. Three dogs, two children and a mortgage later, we are still going strong. We are married in life! For me that is enough, (actually, I am the one who has "dragged my feet" about marriage). But if in your heart you know that won't be enough for you, be clear about your expectations and needs, but also be patient. It sounds like he is ready to commit to you, but is maybe shy of the "public" marriage after his previous experience with it. Sometimes I think we as women feel like we need to throw down the gauntlet with things and demand what we want (or else...), but life isn't always that black and white. You catch alot more flys with honey than with vinegar. As long as you are clear with him where your road leads, maybe give him some time to get on board. You don't have to compromise what it is that you want, but maybe the timeline....is that a compromise that you can handle?
Good luck and I hope you DO get what you need.

View Poll Results: Cohabiting before marriage: yay or nay?
Yes.	145	54.72%
No.	94	35.47%
Who cares? Marriage is an outdated institution anyway.	26	9.81%
Voters: 265. You may not vote on this poll

08-31-2012, 06:08 PM	#21
happysmileylady Registered Users Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 5,558 Ratings: 9 Feedback: 100%	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's interested in making any real commitment. I wouldn't do it because I think it would lead you do heartbreak. DH and I were engaged when I moved him in with me. Actually he had been spending most of his nights at my apartment anyway, and was rarely at his house, but we made it official and put him on the lease about 6 months before we actually got married (we had a 15 month engagement.) It was more about convenience than anything, because we were already engaged, the vast majority of the wedding was already put together. I would not want my daughter to move in with someone just because they felt it was the next step or because they wanted to avoid marriage. I firmly believe in but if someone doesn't want to get married, I am fine with that too. I think though that if you want a separate life from your girlfriend, then you just keep it separate. I think long term cohabitation without a commitment rarely if ever turns out well. __________________ Kim-married to Dan Mama to Caiti (17), Rae Rae (4), Dani Lee(2), and CJ, born 10/12/12. Stuff From Kim's Kloset That Special Moment Photography Also come check out Swagbucks with me!

08-31-2012, 06:11 PM	#22
TaraB Registered Users Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Cincy, Oh Posts: 1,032 Ratings: 14 Feedback: 100%	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? For me.....my DH and I bought a house together while engaged (he was living at his moms but spending most nights at our house) and had premartial sex beforehand as well even though both of our ideals were to wait until we were married. Honestly I feel like both were hard on our marriage. I was more stressed about our choices being against our ideals and beliefs. I wish that we would have had the self control to wait until we were married. If your beliefs or ideals are to be married before living together then dont compromise. There will most likely be regret because you are going against what you originally wanted. If you want/need commitment in the form of marriage before living together then dont compromise your ideal. __________________ Tara~Married to my wonderful DH and mama to my DS#1 2 years old and DS#2 6 months old

08-31-2012, 06:30 PM	#24
Leighleighbuggy Registered Users Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: lalaland Posts: 1,184 Ratings: 97 Feedback: 100%	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? Dh and I lived together a year and a half before we married. I am glad we did and will recommend my children do so as well.

08-31-2012, 06:40 PM	#27
teacherpippi Registered Users Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 451 Ratings: 27 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay? NPR did a segment several months ago about the cohabitating thing- the rates are higher for couples who cohabitate if they go into the cohabitating for "testing it out." Couples who go in with clear expectations (short term or long term) had rates similar to married couples. It would seem solidifying what you two are expecting out of a relationship is a bigger factor than cohabitating.