View Poll Results: Cohabiting before marriage: yay or nay?
Yes. 164 52.56%
No. 112 35.90%
Who cares? Marriage is an outdated institution anyway. 36 11.54%
Voters: 312. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 09-03-2012, 10:43 AM   #31
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

It doesn't matter if other people think you need to move in or get married. And it doesn't matter what the statistics are or what most people do. Do what you feel is right for you. Don't give in to pressure. I lived with my husband before we got married. We have been married over 5 years now, have 2 beautiful daughters, and are still madly in love with each other. That doesn't mean it works that way for everyone though. You are the only one who knows what you need to do so just listen to yourself. Good luck mama!

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Old 09-03-2012, 11:02 AM   #32
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

I have been living in sin for 8 years now. We have 4 kids, one bio-son (almost 4), one bio baby on the way (Due Nov), and when my two pre-teen neices were taken into DSS custody (while I was preggo with DS1 in 2008) he told me that my '...only job for today was to find out how to get custody of the girls...' I desperately wanted to ask him but felt strange since we weren't married (dunno why). I haven't worked since 2008, I went back to college in Aug of 2011 and stopped this past semester (May 2012) to care for myself and baby until 2.0 is about a year or so, depends on how we feel as a family. I will get my degree and definetly be working by the time this baby is in Pre-K. We have been through times where we BOTH would have walked away normally but something kept us from doing it, fate? I cannot describe how hard our lives were when the girls (whom we BOTH love dearly) came to live with us, our son was about 6m and our relationship was perched atop jagged, razor sharp rocks. We did it, we made it through the scariest, most hurtful, unstable times I can think of. I can honestly say that even IF he was unfaithful I could find a way to work through it, unless, of course it was something like he fell in-love with someone else, then I wouldn't stand in his way. But if it was a screwed-up, felt like dog **** afterwards and told me about it situation I am confident that we could get through it. It would be devastating & painful but we could do it. My point is, that DP and I have been through the worst possible situations I can think of, we literally HATED eachother the first few months after DS1 was born and we got through it. Then we had to overcome pre-teen girls testing new boundaries when they lived without rules for 13 years! They TRIED TO SPLIT US UP by telling lies to us about the other one, pitting us against each other and threatening to call DSS and report abuse so they would take all 3 kids '...EVEN THE BABY...' the youngest one told me once. It was horrible. I am proud of him for enduring and overcoming the challenges we have been through and I know that our marriage will last forever....
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Old 09-03-2012, 11:55 AM   #33
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I have been where you are except it was my first child. She was not planned in anyways and at the time SO and I were living separately and both stuck in a lease until Aug 31 while she was due in Sept.
We went back and forth on if we wanted to live together and in the beginning he didn't even want to be in a relationship so I walked away and made the decision I would be fine on my own. He continued to be involved in the pregnancy and I allowed him to of course. As the pregnancy progressed our relationship changed to the point that we were both on the same page about living together.
We moved in together and she was born 26 days later, it was incredibly hard to adjust to everything but we worked our way through it and just when things were going well I was pregnant with #2 while taking the pill. That added more stress but again we made it through because we were a family not because we were married.
My daughter is turning 7 in 24 days so we have made it and are happy well except for when we are working on renovations :-)
A marriage certificate means different things to different people I know but for my family it wasn't and may never be an important factor. A commitment was made when we agreed to move in together and raise our children together. We agreed to support each other, respect and love each other and we have.
I can't tell you what is right for you as only you can decide that but he may see moving in together as a commitment so it may be something that could work for your family
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:08 PM   #34
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

Don't listen to what other people think you should do. I lived with my boyfriend (now husband) for 2 1/2 years before we got married. We had our son about a year and a half after we met and got married when he was 1 1/2. We have now been married for almost three years and have added a 9 month old girl to the family. We had family that pressured us to get married esp after I was pregnant but I'm glad we did it on our own terms!
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:10 PM   #35
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

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Originally Posted by rumblepurr View Post
So he does want to marry you! He's down with eloping and your not because you eloped with your ex, and you want a wedding and he's against it because he did that with his ex? Sounds like he wants to marry you just not with the wedding, and you want to marry him and just not elope. Sounds like your both blaming the wedding/elopement as the cause of the problems leading to the divorce, a been there done that scenario.
This is what I was going to say. It doesn't sound like he's against marriage, it sounds like he's afraid of doing the same thing as before, like that will get it off to the same start.

Anyway, though, I completely believe in living together before marriage. I can't imagine marrying somebody before living with them.

SO and I have been living together, unmarried, for nearly 4 years. We are expecting our first child. We both have small issues with marriage, though we're not against it. We may do a commitment ceremony at some point but we both have trouble letting the state have any say in our relationship (especially since I own a business and he is starting one), so it will probably never be a completely legit, legal marriage.
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:20 PM   #36
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

I haven't read all the responses and your situation is definitely different than mine was, but I will offer and share anyway and hope that it helps... Before my husband and I got married we decided to move in together to "try it out" because we'd both come from divorced families. I made it clear that I did want to have the ultimate goal of getting married and he was on board with that. I am so glad we lived together first because we both had many issues to work out and we were both super scared. I think it was within 6 months that we got married.

More than anything I think it is super important to talk about your feelings with him before moving forward in any regard. Communication is so important and even if you are embarrassed/feeling rejected (which I completely understand), he needs to know how you are feeling. There are lots of ways to talk about your feelings that won't make him defensive. If you can share your feelings and he can share his (without judgment), you will feel so much better afterwards IMO
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:30 PM   #37
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

In your situation I don't think it's a good idea, nor do I think marriage is a good idea right now either. ESPECIALLY since children are involved.
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Old 09-03-2012, 01:03 PM   #38
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

I don't think it matters much either way. There are much more important things in a relationship like values, trust, respect. If those are there, cohabitation isn't really a make or break it thing.
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Old 09-03-2012, 01:10 PM   #39
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

In your shoes, I would not move in if he has no interest in marrying you. IMO, if he isn't willing to get married, it shows a lack of commitment on his part.

To each his own, though. Do what feels right for you.
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:16 PM   #40
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Re: Living together before marriage. Yay or nay?

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Originally Posted by Iliana View Post
My boyfriend and I are expecting. We are both divorced, and I have a a child from my previous marriage. Long story short: he wants us to move in with him to another place (my apartment and his are an hour drive and are too small to accommodate all of us). The problem is that I would like to have an idea if he would consider making a commitment in the future. His response was that "marriage would not change how he feels about me" (true, but it hurt. I felt rejected). He also mentioned that weddings "are expensive and just for show" (He had a lavish wedding, I on the other side got married at the courthouse and didn't even have a dinner or anything).

I have been reading about cohabiting and it seems it is a not a good idea. I feel a lot of pressure from family, friends and society to move in or marry him just because we are expecting. I would like to make that commitment for love. I do regret getting pregnant (it wasn't planned, and I was on the pill) because it has set this whole snowball in motion and i wanted to take things slowly.

Taking the next step in a relationship when it already isn't feeling right doesn't sound like the best idea. Take it slow. Bringing a baby into the picture will speed up the pressure and relationship enough, you don't need to add more pressure and stress on the relationship, especially when you're bringing a small child with you. Good luck girl. Sounds like a tough situation.
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