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Old 09-02-2012, 07:21 AM   #21
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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. and that you have an anterior placenta. That sounds strange to say. But I mean, I hope that it's something like that. Something okay and fine that explains it

I have to be honest... because this is here... but I'm really reading your post. This is what I told myself every day to explain Elliana's "off" movements.
I'm not trying to say "holy crap your baby has what she had". And I'm not trying to be pessimistic at all - I know chances are slim... but then chances are chances and someone falls into the "wrong" side every day.
I just... have to be honest and say it... because reading your posts scares me.


Sh!t. I hope that comes across way better than I'm reading it. I worry. I am full of fear, for myself and others. That's where that all comes from. Not from a place of wanting to project my fears on others, but from a need to get it out of my head.


AFM: We told MIL last night. I felt we needed to - we'd gone shopping earlier and she was buying DD a whole new outfit for school. MIL was talking about how she'd dressed up SIL before she left the coast, and asked if she could take me out too - I stumbled over my words and laughed and said "definitely not today - I'm too tired all ready!" But I felt like we needed to tell her so that she didn't think I was blowing her off or something, kwim?
Anyways, she said "it's exciting". DH and I both said "no. it's not. it's terrifying." I know she was right when she said "yes. it's both."
But she's not angry or upset, she's just here for and with us. her. And I think we really need that support this time around.

Man. I'm emotional this morning apparently. Everything I've typed here is making me tear up.


This is some scary $^&#% mama! You have to be brave and strong to keep trying this after experiencing what you (and all of the mamas here) have been through. I feel like I walk around every day with a fake smile on my face and pretend that it's all okay, and then at random points in time the fear bubbles up to a rolling boil and I have to let the emotion out before I either explode or implode from the overwhelming stress and sadness. I come over here as often as I can for comfort (you all have no idea how much I this group - there is nothing else like it!) but then I freak out at everyone's posts and I think my heart literally stops when anyone has bad news or an unusual symptom (or lack of symptom). So don't worry about it - you are not alone!

I'm having a freak-out day today, so your post really speaks to me. And also, we just told my grandmother (well, DS did - he's 3 so I can't blame him.... he's telling EVERYONE) and the fear of having to un-tell her is paralyzing. I was better before a lot of people knew I think the more people we tell, the more real it becomes, and the harder it is to just "fake it till you make it." It's so hard to answer the questions like "Are you excited?" [no, I'm terrified, thanks for asking] "When are you due?" [an eternity from now, or at least that's how I feel because we may never actually get to that date with a living baby, thanks for asking], and all those other innocent questions that have painfully complicated answers for people like us.

This is day #2 where I feel pretty "good" and its terrifying. Logically I know that I'm nearing the 2nd tri and should start to feel good, but it feels so sudden and there's no regular movement to feel, so I'm kind of a nutcase about it. 2nd and 3rd tri mamas, how do you do this??!?!? I WANT to be sick and sore and miserable - at least that's tangible!

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Old 09-02-2012, 07:27 AM   #22
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

Oh god, thank you for understanding Sarah. I just had this flooding through my mind and couldn't not get it out.
That really does sound like your placenta - with the "wall" you describe and that your heartbeat and that wooshing is there - I know those are placental sounds. It sounds to me like your placenta is anterior and high, so you feel baby down low, but as soon as s/he gets behind that, it's blocked.
And, yes, it can make feeling consistant movement really hard and a long time coming, even for multiparas - a lot of moms in my last ddc (ironically) had anterior placentas, and IIRC they were told not to expect normal consistant movement until after 24-26wks.

Avocado sounds like a good choice, if you can stomach it - I've heard their packed with fat and calories (in a good way!!). for some weight gain for ya - whoa... that really sounded strange, lol.
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Old 09-02-2012, 07:37 AM   #23
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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So don't worry about it - you are not alone!

I'm having a freak-out day today, so your post really speaks to me. And also, we just told my grandmother (well, DS did - he's 3 so I can't blame him.... he's telling EVERYONE) and the fear of having to un-tell her is paralyzing. I was better before a lot of people knew I think the more people we tell, the more real it becomes, and the harder it is to just "fake it till you make it." It's so hard to answer the questions like "Are you excited?" [no, I'm terrified, thanks for asking] "When are you due?" [an eternity from now, or at least that's how I feel because we may never actually get to that date with a living baby, thanks for asking], and all those other innocent questions that have painfully complicated answers for people like us.

This is day #2 where I feel pretty "good" and its terrifying. Logically I know that I'm nearing the 2nd tri and should start to feel good, but it feels so sudden and there's no regular movement to feel, so I'm kind of a nutcase about it. 2nd and 3rd tri mamas, how do you do this??!?!? I WANT to be sick and sore and miserable - at least that's tangible!
Oh gosh, thank you for posting too! I'm so glad I'm not the only one. It was just so overwhelming when I read Sarah's post, and I just couldn't keep it in, I felt like I would crumble.
I feel much better having said it and got it out there, and especially cuz Sarah took it the "right" way. I most definitely would never wish any hardships on any mamas - especially us in here. I want us all to have our rainbows

DH told his mom that we really don't want to talk about this pregnancy/babe. It's just too hard, the unknown. He and I have talked about a few things - practical things like an infant car seat or me thinking of getting a knit wrap - but we're always able to say "if" with each other, and "hopefully". There's always the knowing that we're neither one taking this for granted.
And that's exactly it - I don't want the questions. I know they're normal, but this isn't normal. Not this time. And I don't want to answer them truthfully and have people say "hmph. well they don't deserve it, they can't even be happy", kwim? Yet I don't readily lie.

Oh... the kids... I have no clue what we're going to do there. DH doesn't want to tell them - I think both in an effort to spare them the worries they may have, and because they'll announce it to everyone we see. But last night the boys asked me if I was going to have another baby (Zech said "because I really love them all small when they come home from the hospital" ) and Isaac told me I look like I'm pregnant ( thank you dear!).
With my belly, there won't be much hiding or ignoring it for longer.

I know it's so hard... but try to enjoy feeling better! (and remember in another few weeks to remind me of the same!) It's a scary window sometimes between m/s slacking and feeling movement.
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Old 09-02-2012, 08:41 AM   #24
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I had an anterior placenta with my first pregnancy and my OB usually had a hard time finding the HB at each appt. I didn't start feeling consistent movements from DD until 22ish weeks. It felt like forever!

My heart is so sad for all of you and my loss seems trivial in a way. Although I definitely know it's not and was never meant to come across that way.

I'm such an optimistic person for the most part. I'm taking things one day at a time but I'm also letting myself be happy about this baby. I don't want to look back and remember worrying through this entire pregnancy and not enjoying it. Especially since it's more than likely my last. I know it makes me more vulnerable, but so be it.

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Old 09-02-2012, 08:59 AM   #25
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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I'm such an optimistic person for the most part. I'm taking things one day at a time but I'm also letting myself be happy about this baby. I don't want to look back and remember worrying through this entire pregnancy and not enjoying it. Especially since it's more than likely my last. I know it makes me more vulnerable, but so be it.
I want to be that way... but I'm just not able to right now. It worries me, because I don't know if it's just due to this babe following Elliana (and feeling like the same pregnancy so far), or if it's because there really is some concern I should feel, kwim?
I wanted to be happy and excited about Elliana, but in truth, I worried the whole time. I worried until I hit 6wks, because of our m/c. I guess I had a couple weeks of feeling okay and excited (though sick) from 6-9wks, but then I started worrying about when I would feel movement. I had felt Isaac and Levi both at 9wks (not consistantly, but still felt something every couple days), but didn't feel anything from Elliana until 11wks. Then her movements were never quite right - not the same - and that brought more worry and fear.
I couldn't shake the feeling of something being wrong the whole time. Maybe it was instinct? But now it's got me wondering what's bringing the worry and fear this time.

I do hope that I will start feeling movement in the next couple weeks, and it will feel "normal" and bring us some comfort and peace about this all.
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Old 09-02-2012, 10:46 AM   #26
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

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I'm such an optimistic person for the most part. I'm taking things one day at a time but I'm also letting myself be happy about this baby. I don't want to look back and remember worrying through this entire pregnancy and not enjoying it. Especially since it's more than likely my last. I know it makes me more vulnerable, but so be it.

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I am this way too....although I have my moments of anxiety about things. It does make it sting a little more when something goes wrong, but it might be worth that risk for me...
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:15 AM   #27
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

I used to be one of those annoyingly sunshine out the bum optimists and I loved it. It's been beaten out of me.
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:30 PM   #28
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

I hope you ladies don't mind if I join you. It doesn't seem real to me yet, but last Monday at my RE appointment he told me I was pregnant but my hcg was so low (6) that I was most likely going to lose it. In his words it's a one in a million chance and will take a miracle to keep it. Well, in the week since then he's been having blood draws every two days and they have been more than doubling each time. I'm still not optimistic yet, and he's far from it, but I guess that's the best outcome we could hope for. I'm terrified! and happy all at the same time. This is my 7th pregnancy but I only have one child. They have all been lost before 12 weeks. It's taken us 3 1/2 years to get this pregnancy. Well, I guess one year since my last loss but it was 2 1/2 years before that. Basically dh and I have been trying for 10 years and we're so ready for this to work. But at this point looking at my track record it feels doomed from the start. I could really use a place for some support. I'm on the TTC "struggling for more" thread, but I'm starting to feel bad updating there and feel like maybe pregnancy updates and support need to go elsewhere. Anyway, I have another blood draw tonight up at the hospital and then again Tuesday. The RE's PA called me yesterday and wants to schedule an early ultrasound for 5 1/2 weeks. That scares me even more since I know they won't see anything but an empty sac. What's the point? Then my OB is already wanting to schedule me for an 8 week ultrasound (seems pointless since I feel doubtful I'll make it that far.) Anyway, is it alright that I join even though I'm so early I'm not even positive it's real? Last year I lost it right about this time and it was termed a chemical but last year it felt very real to me since I had symptoms and felt pregnant. So far I feel nothing.


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Just from the perspective of someone that doesn't have children... one of the hardest things about mc (and any sort of fertility issues) is that with each loss and each unsuccessful cycle, you are left wondering if you will ever be a mother. Not just if you'll have a child. And that is a different type of pain because it's about who you are. And in addition... you have to deal with the loss of the pregnancy/baby as well. If that makes sense. I don't mean to say it's worse than if you have children but I just wanted to share that perspective.
I completely know where you're coming from. My first four pregnancies were losses, and yet this last one was by far the worst for me. But you are right it is a different pain completely.

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I used to be one of those annoyingly sunshine out the bum optimists and I loved it. It's been beaten out of me.
Me too. Not so much now.


It's actually been kind of healing to read through you ladies' thread. I'm shocked that I"m not the only one who has heard so many of these awful things. We actually hadn't told anyone about our first several losses. This last one we told my mom and MIL as it was happening and they both tried to be supportive but it sure didn't come out that way. A week after my last loss my SIL (who was in middle school when dh and I got married and started trying) called to let us know she was pregnant, not happy about it, and didn't want it. She went on to have a healthy baby girl (her third in 4 yrs) 1 week after the due date of my last loss. Two weeks after that my other SIL (my brother's wife) called to let us know they were expecting as well, she was at least mindful of my pain. She had a baby girl one week before my EDD. The real kicker, my EDD was my mom's birthday. I'm born on my grandma's birthday so it was kind of a big deal to me. My SIL ended up using my mom's middle name as her daughter's middle name which is what we had been wanting to do. It's been a long painful year, and I am so ready for this to work, but also terrified of going through yet another loss.
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:57 PM   #29
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Re: Pregnancy After Loss (Sept 1st - 15th)

You're very welcome to join us! Praying the numbers keep climbing!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry it's been such a long and rough journey for you

Trace- in no way is your loss trivial. I know you know, but it needs to be said again.

Elena- I think you and I do the same thing and that we over-think and over-analyze all the little things going on and I think back on all the signs I should have seen etc. It's enough to drive me nuts, so I'm sure it is for you too
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Old 09-02-2012, 02:12 PM   #30
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That especially stinks coming from your own mom. Did she ever miscarry? Was she trying (and failing) to be supportive?
No, she never miscarried and even acts like I was such a ''bad'' baby...like she doesn't appreciate what a miracle a child is sometimes makes me so sad.
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It's okay, I get what you're saying. It's always possible, and if so we'll take what comes like with everything else. In this case (although I could be wrong) I really think it's the placenta which will mask movement and the baby's heartbeat. It's like when I move the doppler up past a certain point it's like I'm suddenly trying to get through a wall and I can't hear anything but my own loud heartbeat and a wooshing. I had the baby move from low yesterday (where for a few seconds I had a great heartbeat up top (which I can feel since I'm too skinny) and then I couldn't get a heartbeat. Something has to be in the way because I know the baby is alive. With my limited knowledge, the placenta being in the way is one possibility. I can also feel my heartbeat in my skin around there (which is weird) and has never happened. As far as I know I've only had posterior placentas before so finding a heartbeat and feeling movement has always been easy. It does freak me out too, and everything someone else says can bring up good/bad memories. I did some reading on it last night and it made me feel better about the whole thing. Some women weren't feeling movement until really, really late and another woman said they couldn't get a heartbeat even with the doppler consistently until after 34 weeks. I still have those moments where I feel like everything is going to go wrong, but they aren't overwhelming me at the moment.

I'm really, really glad your MIL was so awesome about it and got it. That's great!

I lost my 2lbs, back down to my lowest at 120lbs. I don't know what else to do. I just can't get in enough calories that are good. I'm hitting the store, might try an avocado again and see if I can stomach it this time. Speaking of which, time to go eat breakfast.
I was just going to suggest some avacado, and maybe try some nuts of some sort?
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Originally Posted by TS8213 View Post
I had an anterior placenta with my first pregnancy and my OB usually had a hard time finding the HB at each appt. I didn't start feeling consistent movements from DD until 22ish weeks. It felt like forever!

My heart is so sad for all of you and my loss seems trivial in a way. Although I definitely know it's not and was never meant to come across that way.

I'm such an optimistic person for the most part. I'm taking things one day at a time but I'm also letting myself be happy about this baby. I don't want to look back and remember worrying through this entire pregnancy and not enjoying it. Especially since it's more than likely my last. I know it makes me more vulnerable, but so be it.

Sent from my Nexus S 4G using DS Forum
I have an ant. placenta this pregnancy and couldn't find the HB by doppler at 11 weeks. We did an u/s and the bean was great, thankfully! This is my first ant. placenta in all 4 of my pregnancies.
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I hope you ladies don't mind if I join you. It doesn't seem real to me yet, but last Monday at my RE appointment he told me I was pregnant but my hcg was so low (6) that I was most likely going to lose it. In his words it's a one in a million chance and will take a miracle to keep it. Well, in the week since then he's been having blood draws every two days and they have been more than doubling each time. I'm still not optimistic yet, and he's far from it, but I guess that's the best outcome we could hope for. I'm terrified! and happy all at the same time. This is my 7th pregnancy but I only have one child. They have all been lost before 12 weeks. It's taken us 3 1/2 years to get this pregnancy. Well, I guess one year since my last loss but it was 2 1/2 years before that. Basically dh and I have been trying for 10 years and we're so ready for this to work. But at this point looking at my track record it feels doomed from the start. I could really use a place for some support. I'm on the TTC "struggling for more" thread, but I'm starting to feel bad updating there and feel like maybe pregnancy updates and support need to go elsewhere. Anyway, I have another blood draw tonight up at the hospital and then again Tuesday. The RE's PA called me yesterday and wants to schedule an early ultrasound for 5 1/2 weeks. That scares me even more since I know they won't see anything but an empty sac. What's the point? Then my OB is already wanting to schedule me for an 8 week ultrasound (seems pointless since I feel doubtful I'll make it that far.) Anyway, is it alright that I join even though I'm so early I'm not even positive it's real? Last year I lost it right about this time and it was termed a chemical but last year it felt very real to me since I had symptoms and felt pregnant. So far I feel nothing.




I completely know where you're coming from. My first four pregnancies were losses, and yet this last one was by far the worst for me. But you are right it is a different pain completely.



Me too. Not so much now.


It's actually been kind of healing to read through you ladies' thread. I'm shocked that I"m not the only one who has heard so many of these awful things. We actually hadn't told anyone about our first several losses. This last one we told my mom and MIL as it was happening and they both tried to be supportive but it sure didn't come out that way. A week after my last loss my SIL (who was in middle school when dh and I got married and started trying) called to let us know she was pregnant, not happy about it, and didn't want it. She went on to have a healthy baby girl (her third in 4 yrs) 1 week after the due date of my last loss. Two weeks after that my other SIL (my brother's wife) called to let us know they were expecting as well, she was at least mindful of my pain. She had a baby girl one week before my EDD. The real kicker, my EDD was my mom's birthday. I'm born on my grandma's birthday so it was kind of a big deal to me. My SIL ended up using my mom's middle name as her daughter's middle name which is what we had been wanting to do. It's been a long painful year, and I am so ready for this to work, but also terrified of going through yet another loss.
I'm praying so hard for you and a sticky baby!!
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