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Old 08-16-2012, 02:04 AM   #1
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Adoption within a family?

2 years ago my younger sister found out she was pregnant. I was engaged to my husband. As a family we had no idea what she would do. She thought about her options and talked to the baby's father. She finally decided to do adoption a few months later right after my wedding. My mom was asked to adopt the baby first but my mom had 5 at home and 3 more there on weekends. My mom knew she didn't have time, energy or resources to care for another child. So she said no. My grandma was asked next. She had recently gotten married and just wanted to enjoy married life. So she also said no. Our first family Dinner after our Honeymoon my sister announced to my mom that her plan was to hand the baby to me. My husband and I were shocked. We hadn't been informed she wanted us to adopt. My husband and I talked it over and prayed about it and in the end we felt it wouldn't work. My sister wouldn't be able to not want to be mom with her daughter so close. It really came down to the fact that it didn't feel right. After informing my sister of our decision she stopped talking to me.
1 1/2 Months later I found out I was pregnant with our son. My sister asked again. I felt like the reason it hadn't felt right before was because god knew I had a little boy on the way. Long story short I connected my sister to a family member of a very close friend of mine. They adopted my niece and have been great parents. However my relationship with my sister has never been the same.
She recently made a comment about how if I had taken her baby things would be better. It hurts me that she feels I let her down. I wish she had learned from her trial and made a better life for herself but she hasn't. I feel in someways her party lifestyle has gotten worse. My mom told me the other day that every time my sister says mom I need to tell you something She expects her to say I'm pregnant again. When asked what she would do if she was pregnant again she said she would do another adoption. She knows now that My husband and I are looking into foster/adopt and has once again said we would take the baby.
I feel hurt that my relationship with my sister has been lost. I'm hurt that she blames me for her loneliness. I am sad that the only time she wants to talk to me is to tell me how I messed up her life and how i could have helped her.
I guess as my family is celebrating my nieces 2nd Birthday soon it is all coming to the surface again. At the time my husband was 100% against adoption and being a father to someone elses child so I know nothing could have changed but sometimes it makes you wonder what it would have been like. So here is my pity party for one. And I was wondering if any of you have done an adoption within the family and how it went. What is life like now? Was the BM able to let go and allow you to be the mom? How do you explain it?

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Old 08-16-2012, 03:04 AM   #2
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Re: Adoption within a family?

@Brianna. I haven't experienced what you have as I don't have a sister. I hope someone else can chime in. btw how is your sister with the AP parents? Is she involved or not involved?
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:38 AM   #3
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Re: Adoption within a family?

The AP live in another state. She gets texts, emails, and photos every now and then. They are really nice and keep us updated pretty regularly with photos and information. I think that makes it hard for my sister. We live in the same town so if I had adopted her then she could see her grow up and see her milestones. She is nice to the AP but whenever she gets a photo there is a sadness in her eyes. Having my son around who is only a few months younger doesn't help. We all celebrate all the milestones as a family since he is the only grandchild now. She sees him do one and although she is happy for him I know she is sad she is missing her child's milestones. I feel like she has decided being around me and my family is too hard for her. It hurts that I couldn't adopt my niece for her but it wasn't right.
My mom asked me if she got pregnant again if I would take the baby this time. all this is just making me a little emotional. Taking her second child (if there ever was a second child) wouldn't fix things. My family will still mourn the loss of my niece.

I know my niece is in a great family and that they are amazing parents. My sister helped a couple that had been trying to start a family for over 10 years unsuccessfully. She made their dreams come true. They are an amazing family and give her a life she couldn't have had here. I think what my sister did was amazing and wish my family could see the how happy and better off my niece is then just thinking about what they are missing. (this is coming from a mom who can't imagine the heart ache of being a BM but understands life in a very unhealthy family and very unhappy home.)
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:23 PM   #4
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I just adopted my first cousin's daughter. She was 1 month old yesterday and I've had her since 5 hours old. We visited the first couple of weeks and now we just do Facebook. We obviously have each others phone numbers, but she doesn't want to have contact that way. I don't have much experience yet since she's only a month old. But so far, they've had no problems with me being mom. They never ask me about parenting choices or overstep boundaries in any way. I even have the birth mom's (my cousin's wife) family on our private Facebook page so they can see our daughters updates and pictures. They never comment, but they love to read them. I hope my experience helps some.
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:37 PM   #5
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Re: Adoption within a family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HookedByCarolyn View Post
I just adopted my first cousin's daughter. She was 1 month old yesterday and I've had her since 5 hours old. We visited the first couple of weeks and now we just do Facebook. We obviously have each others phone numbers, but she doesn't want to have contact that way. I don't have much experience yet since she's only a month old. But so far, they've had no problems with me being mom. They never ask me about parenting choices or overstep boundaries in any way. I even have the birth mom's (my cousin's wife) family on our private Facebook page so they can see our daughters updates and pictures. They never comment, but they love to read them. I hope my experience helps some.
Thanks. That does help. one of the problems that keep me from being willing to adopt any future children from my sister is that she lives so close and disagrees with my lifestyle in general, including my parenting style. She has always been one to tell you what she doesn't like so I can really see us butting heads if we were to parent. I don't know if she picks at my parenting choices because she is hurting or if she just really would do it all differently. I know this is all hypothetical but With the path she has chosen to take it is really easy to see her not knowing who the father is once again.
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:45 PM   #6
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Well my situation is very different. My cousin and I aren't close and we live 4 states apart. Our parenting styles are WAY different though! But they knew that going in and never had a question about it. The only things we talked about was what we would tell dd as she got older about the adoption.
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:57 PM   #7
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Re: Adoption within a family?

Why would she not place with the adoptive family and sibling? If they want another child, and you support that, to me that would be ideal to allow the siblings to grow up together. No matter how you do an adoption, things are going to get sticky, so you could also look at it - is it better to take the evil you know or the evil you don't know. If you want another child, then I'd go for it but know there are going to be very complicated times ahead. Sometimes any kind of adoption is simple, sometimes not. Sometimes it starts out simple and changes. Sometimes it starts out complicated and turns easy.
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Old 08-16-2012, 06:02 PM   #8
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Re: Adoption within a family?

We adopted my sister's baby at birth. Honestly, it has been a nightmare. They blame me for everything and they have never let me be mom. I had to change my phone. NUmber because they were harassing us so much. My mom has a horrible time with it. I think they thought I would be like a babysitter and let her be mom. I have let them see her a lot from my perspective but I realize I can't live up to what they expect. My mom tells me I am not her mom. It caused so much stress that I was worried that dh and I would end up divorced. I have had to basically divorce my family to stay married and keep our family together. I often still feel like I am in a nightmare, but I wouldn't trade my dd for anything.
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Old 08-17-2012, 07:49 AM   #9
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Re: Adoption within a family?

Sounds like she is hurting and looking for someone to blame.
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Old 08-30-2012, 03:40 PM   #10
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I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar yet different situation. My mother and siblings blame me for not being able to live together. The kids don't get that it's my house or foster care. My mothers home is not an option but she makes them think it is. It doesn't help that I live out of state - so too far for frequent visits.

It's often hard for adults to put the needs of a child before their own feelings and desires... At least in my family ::sigh::
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