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Old 09-24-2013, 05:45 AM   #1
makinhomesweet
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6 years later...(long)

Ok, so, I am 24 years old. My oldest child will be 6 in December. (For those of you doing the math, yes, I was 18 when I had her.) Her biological dad was a real loser. He has a criminal record that is to extensive to mention, although I will say, one of his charges is: "Sex offender-failure to register"

So anyways, 6 years ago, I decided to get my head out of my ***. I left him while he was in jail, on his way to prison. I volunteered to be a single mom. I struggled, but I loved my little girl to death and we made it. The only thing I heard from her S.D. Were threats of violence against me and any guy who would try to raise her and threats to kid nap her if I kept her away from him. I was terrified of him and lived in fear of him for years.

When my baby was 19 months old, U met the most amazing, kind, loving, wonderful man ever. He immediately fell in love with my daughter and as soon as I let him, he started calling himself Daddy. And he is her Daddy & they have a great relationship. Me and him have been married 3 years now and have had 3 boys together and I couldn't be happier.

So why mention this then? 6 weeks ago, i ran into s.d. My youngest son was 3 days old. He saw him and smiled, asked how old he was. Then he asked me where my daughter was. I told her she was at Grandma's and he asked us I was ever going to let him see her. (this us the first time he had made any attempt at all) i said, "No. She had a dad. He's a good man and they love each other." He got visibly angry (but we were at a court house so he didn't act on it.) He said, "I'm married and I have 4 kids now." I told him congratulations And looked away. Just then, my husband walked out and s.d. RAN away.

At first I, was relieved, excited and felt like I had won. But, ever since then,.I can't stop thinking about the encounter. I don't miss him. I don't wonder what, or would be like... I'm still very much I'm love with my husband and have no doubts, he is the man I want.

And yet.... I feel hurt and betrayed by sd. All the feelings i had as ateenager came flooding back. I feel used, hurt, confused, unworthy, angry. And on top of those feelings, I feel shame for ever having been with him, for allowing him to use and abuse me. I feel guilt for having any emotion other than joy over the encounter and Im afraid that my husband will get jealous and think that i am questing our relationship.

But I'm not. I love my husband with all my soul. I am lucky tohave him and I know it. But, somehow, i feel duped by s.d. I feel used all, over again. I feel sorry for daughter. It just seemslike after 6 years of no contract, it should have been a little harder to get rid of him. Obviously, i never meant anything to him. Neither did my daughter. and yet, i allowed him to use me while we were together and i allowed him toscare and intimidate me for 6 YEARS! for NO REASON! And like i said, i know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. am i crazy? Had anyone else experienced anything similar? How did you deal?

Thanks for letting me vent

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Old 09-24-2013, 06:10 AM   #2
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Yes I've been through something very similar. Minus the sex offender charge. I had a very strong support system, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't.

When I was pregnant I left, I was also upset and confused. He clearly didn't care because he had a new GF probably prior to me leaving.

I went to see a lawyer about parental rts and kept his name off of the birth cert. My family warned him to stay away, if I'd have seen him the last thing I would do was go speak to him.

I'm assuming he doesn't have visitation or anything? If so you have to move on, I wouldn't speak to him or go out if my way to do anything thy involved him. Keep walking.

If you don't have the contact and don't have to see him in town or around you'll be fine.

I always think to myself whoo, dodged a bullet on that one! Also sometimes secretly to myself I say "winning!"
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Old 09-24-2013, 06:31 AM   #3
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Re: 6 years later...(long)

I think it's normal. My oldest is almost 18, I was 17 when I got pg, 18 when I had her. I met my DH when she was 4, we got married when she was 6 and he was able to finally adopt her when she was 16.

And yet I still get confusion about the ex. He was mean, nasty, controlling and while he never actually got physically abusive, I am sure that was coming. I broke up with him when I was 5 months pregnant. When I had my daughter, I didn't want him involved, but my mom called him anyway, she felt he should know. He showed up to see her at 10pm the night after she was born (I had gone into labor the night before, she wasn't born until 4, I was exhausted and had a migraine, less than pleased.) The "best" part though was that he showed up with his new girl friend! WTF?!?!? Who the hell brings their new girlfriend to see their new baby that was born to someone else?!?!? Even weirder, she married him!

Yeah, I still occasionally facebook stalk him (not often, cause I hate facebook.) He and I only actually dated a year. But, I think when you have a baby with someone, there's a connection there that's difficult to sever, even when you really really really want to. I have been married to DH for 11.5 years, we have been together for 13, have 3 other kids, and yet I still think about and get angry at the ex occasionally. It's weird and uncomfortable.
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Old 09-27-2013, 05:32 AM   #4
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Re: 6 years later...(long)

Oh my word happy smileylady. That is docomforting to hear. Thank you. Sorry you're going through that, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.
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Old 09-27-2013, 05:38 AM   #5
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Re: 6 years later...(long)

Happy mama x4. You're post made me laugh. I do thewinning thing too. I haven't made contact with the s.d in 6 years. When i did speak too him, it was because i was cornered/trapped. I'm still having mixed emotions, but at the end of the day, I'm grateful not to have to deal with the jerk.

Oh and, he had a new gf before i left him too. He cheated with 6 different girls. And he is not in the birth certificate and had never paid a penny for anything. Legally, he has abandoned her.
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Old 11-05-2013, 02:23 PM   #6
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Re: 6 years later...(long)

I had a similar situation myself. While I can't fully relate to you it does get easier as time progresses.
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