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Old 09-16-2012, 03:00 PM   #1
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Mini Vent session :)

I have twin boys and do pretty much everything. I swear, for my husband, BF was just an excuse for him not to help with feedings--it doesn't sound like it, but I've come to grips with that cause I love BF now. I do bedtime, bath time, middle of the night wake ups, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The 2 hours he has after he gets home from work are his "play with the boys" time. He hasn't changed a single diaper since they've been born (now 17 months). I feel mentally exhausted but it is difficult because he told me he wasn't ready for kids and I pushed him--we'd been married 4 1/2 years. I love my boys SOOO much and he does too, but sometimes doing everything is a little exhausting! If I talk to DH about it he says I am being emotional. I feel like because he never allowed us to have a real talk about it, so now I'm just the naggy wife. I never wanted to be that!

Vent over, thanks for hearing me out! :-)

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Old 09-16-2012, 03:14 PM   #2
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

I just wanted to offer because that sounds totally SUCKTASTIC! Have you considered seeking therapy as a couple. This sounds like a symptom of much bigger issues. You did not force him to have children. He knows how that happens. He is a grown man and you don't get to change your mind! He can't decide that he didn't really "feel" like having children so that absolves him of any parental responsibility beyond financial. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:33 PM   #3
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

I think one of our biggest struggles is when I'm not feeling tired none of this seems to bother me. I LOVE being a mom and I LOVE my husband SO much! I just wish that one day -I- could sleep in instead of him. I wish -I- could read articles on my phone while he fed the boys dinner. Really, what it boils down to is I really like things to be fair/even. I guess life isn't always fair and one day I'm come to grips with that.
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:39 PM   #4
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

It really puts a strain on a relationship when one party feels disprespected. Caring for twins is an enormous amount of work. Of course you get tired If you are staying home full time yes your primarily responsible for their daily care but that can't mean that he never participates. This is not 1950. I think you would be thrilled with a bit of effort forget fair. There is no fair when your division of labor is one stays home and one works. I feel so sad that not only is he not interested in lightening your load but that he belittles you about your feelings.
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:40 PM   #5
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

There's absolutely nothing wrong with picking a day or two that your husband can get up and be a father while you get to rest. Nothing.

Bath time is play time as far as I'm concerned so I'd start him off with that. And then make sure you step back and let him do it his way without criticising him that it's different from what you would do.

It is easy to bury resentment but it builds over time. You have been left "holding the rock." At first it's not all that heavy and seems like a very reasonable thing to do, but if you never get to put that rock down, your arms start to get tired. A little longer and then they ache. You don't want to get to the point that you drop the rock. Hand the rock to your husband sometimes.
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Old 09-16-2012, 05:30 PM   #6
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

So what would happen if you just didn't do it? Or if you said what you said here? Can you say to him I need a break and I'm going to sit here while you feed them dinner? I mean he's not doing you favors by being a parent to his children. That is his job that he took on willingly. I'm assuming you didn't trick him into having children so he accepted moving forward and now he has to do his part. I would have a really hard time respecting my husband if he neglected his parental duties.
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Old 09-16-2012, 05:53 PM   #7
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I know how you feel. Honestly, I wouldn't even mind doing it all if he looked me in the eyes and said thank you for being an amazing mom to our boys.

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Old 09-16-2012, 05:57 PM   #8
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

Absolutely talk to DH about this, and if he won't talk to you, then ask him to listen. DH and I are going through an EXTREMELY rocky point right now -- like poss trial separation rockiness -- and it is due to the same type of stuff. I am a WOHM and feel sooo overwhelmed by doing the majority of the work. I feel such resentment towards DH and feel unloved because how can a person knowingly treat a person they profess to love that shabbily. You do not want to get to this point, believe me. I love my husband and hate that I am resenting him so much. Don't let your feelings silently build, express them and ask him to lend a hand (which you guys specifically agree to, not just a generalized hand). Address it now before it becomes a possible marriage breaking monster.
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Old 09-16-2012, 06:02 PM   #9
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

((hugs)) i think we are married to the same person, i hear you mama! PM me if you ever need to chat
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Old 09-16-2012, 07:42 PM   #10
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Re: Mini Vent session :)

I kinda struggle with this. I tend to do everything because I'm home and I feel bad cos my husband works all day, and he doesn't really know what to do to take care of the baby. I try to get him to give her a bath now. I give him a choice after dinner, clean the kitchen or give the baby a bath. He usually picks bath. You hubby probably just doesn't know what needs to be done or how to do it. Saying, "I need you to help more with the baby" doesn't translate into anything concrete for him. It's better to say, "I need you to change baby's diaper". I need you to feed baby this". Pick one thing at a time. Show him how to do it and then let him do it and don't hover or correct him. Let him do it his own way. Only give help if he asks for it. If you have to correct something, do it when he isn't watching and then show him again the correct way another time. After he's been doing it for a while, add something new. It's also easier if you set it up for them. Get the food ready and heated and then he just has to feed it. Set out the clothes. Things that make things less frustrating for him will make him more likely to help. As he gets used to the new duties you can introduce how to heat the food, where to get the clothes. All in all, I guess I'm trying to say, you can't change everything suddenly. You have to go slowly in steps so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. There's a lot of knowledge we moms have we just take for granted that our hubbys don't even know or think of. Oh, and give him lots of praise. Thank him and say how helpful he is, or how much better the baby behaved for him. Build up his confidence in caring for his children.
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