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Old 09-18-2012, 09:56 AM   #41
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

I, too, have quite a few addicts in my family. I have chosen to distance myself from them anyway, as I am sure you know, addicts tend to bring drama! So for me, there's never really a situation where my kids would see the addict passed out or drunk/high. They do, however, see the addicts occasionally. I have no problem with them getting to know my family members in a casual way. But it is not often...maybe every few months.

My mother in particular knows that when she is clean she sees my kids and when she is using she does not. She doesn't even bother calling when she is using anyway.

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Old 09-18-2012, 10:11 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by BeccaSueCongdon
While I do know that my brother has a drinking problem, I havent spent enough time around him (or anyone with an addiction) to know the signs that they're high. Would anyone be open to sharing what signs you see? Is it an altered personality? Just a "feeling" you get? Just curious.
It's entirely dependent on the person and their choice of substance.

Ex, for example, when he drinks reacts to different alcohol in different ways. If he drinks whiskey, he's a sad sack. He cries and gets depressed. Tequila makes him try to fight everything that moves. Vodka makes him a philosopher and eventually want to screw everything that moves. But no matter what the booze choice, if he gets fall down drunk, he gets violent. I only had to see that once and refused to ever see it again. And he is not the abusive type physically when sober. It was shocking.

With drugs, again it depends on the drug. When he smokes weed, he's pretty stereotypical. He gets the munchies, listens to music, and dozes a lot. He's not a giggler, but he's the "Let's contemplate the meaning of string," type. Synthetic weed makes him psychotic. I don't know why. He gets ultra paranoid, not regular weed paranoid. He believes things are happening that aren't, things are there that aren't, he goes on tangents and is crazy. Coke makes him angry and have the invincible complex. Pills make him slightly off. Just enough that what he says or does, and how he says or does it makes me go, "...what are you on?" I've seen him enough sober and not to know. I know him like he's a part of myself, and I can /feel/ when something is off.

He would also choose drugs and booze over his children or what they need any day of the week. That alone shows his priorities and ability to make good decisions regarding their well being.

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Old 09-18-2012, 10:20 AM   #43
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

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Originally Posted by BeccaSueCongdon View Post
While I do know that my brother has a drinking problem, I havent spent enough time around him (or anyone with an addiction) to know the signs that they're high. Would anyone be open to sharing what signs you see? Is it an altered personality? Just a "feeling" you get? Just curious.
Like others have said it really depends on what they're on and their personality, how they handle themselves while on it.

My family member does cocaine/crack/heroine. When he's using he is very talkative, jittery, fidgitey, can't sit in one spot too long, and so on. He also has mental health issues but does not medicate for them (he medicates for OCD and ADD, but he abuses those medications). He may start to talk to himself or become a totally different person (that is the affect of non-medicated mental health issues).
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Old 09-18-2012, 10:40 AM   #44
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

I've seen this thread pop up over the last few days and thought I would share my 2 cents. My MIL is an alcoholic. I have never lived close to her and so I never saw it until our older DS was about 2yo. We were in the middle of a move and we flew in for a visit before heading to our new state. All the other times that we would visit dhs family his mom would be very enthusiastic about spending time with us all and we would go out and do stuff. This time she was very woah is me why can't you move closer so I can see my grandbabies. The whole time she was whining about not seeing them and I was thinking welll jeez lady while you are whining about this you are wasting time that you could be spending with them. Well one day we decided that we wanted to go to the local childrens museum and asked her to go with us but she said she did not want to go. I was kind of upset because of the attitude that she had been having but dh, ds and I went and had a good day. When we returned we found her sprawled on the couch in a shirt with no pants and completely wasted. I took my son to the bedroom while dh woke her up and tried to sober her up. That is the first time I had ever seen any evidence that she was an alcoholic. My husband and SIL have told me so many sad stories from their childhood but I always had had a hard time matching those stories up with the woman I had gotten to know. Apparently she can hide it pretty well when she wants to. That was the first day that I saw her drunk and I guess after that she didn't care if I saw her or not because she no longer covers it up or pretends. I feel so bad for my husband and his siblings that they had to basically have no mother because she chose to drank rather than parent them. I can now understand the stories that they tell me and it breaks my heart. I used to be of the mind that as long as they were clean while they where with my kids then it is not my business but after hearing all the horrible stuff this woman has done and seeing it firsthand for myself, I no longer care to have her in our lives. DH totally agrees. In fact, he is the one who told me to cut her out. Her other children do not talk to her either. I feel bad for her a little because she is still their mother but she did bring it on herself by choosing to drink.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:14 AM   #45
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

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Originally Posted by pumkinsmommy View Post
I wouldn't allow anyone actively using anything in my house or visit with them.
I guess I'm in the minority here and it's probably easier for me to say because there is no addicts in my immediate family. The only addicts in my family are my Dad's side (not my Dad, but his Mom and further down the line...). I cut off contact with them a LONG time ago and booze and chain smoking were a part of that decision but I probably would have cut contact with them anyway, TBH. But I would not allow anyone who was using in my house, and I wouldn't go to theirs either. And I definitely wouldn't allow them around my kiddos.
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Old 09-18-2012, 11:28 AM   #46
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

I have a brother that is a total F* up! He's not allowed on my street!
My other brother drinks too much, but I've made it clear that no alcohol is allowed in my house, and if I can smell beer on him, he's not allowed at my house! He's been very respectful of this!
Gambling addicts don't bother me, they just wouldn't be allowed to wonder arond my house!
Drug users wouldn't be allowed to be around us if they are currently using! No matter how close I'm am to you, you never know how much they took that day, or if they would just OD in the house and you'll have to explain why paramedics are in your house taking cousin Vikky away. KWIM? That just wouldn't fly in my house.
But some things you can't avoid, like family gatherings!

It's all about what YOU and DH feel comfortable with. Depending on the age of the kids too. If your not comfortable with your kids doing it, then don't allow someone doing it, around your kids!
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Old 09-18-2012, 12:13 PM   #47
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

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Originally Posted by jen_batten View Post
I guess I'm in the minority here and it's probably easier for me to say because there is no addicts in my immediate family. The only addicts in my family are my Dad's side (not my Dad, but his Mom and further down the line...). I cut off contact with them a LONG time ago and booze and chain smoking were a part of that decision but I probably would have cut contact with them anyway, TBH. But I would not allow anyone who was using in my house, and I wouldn't go to theirs either. And I definitely wouldn't allow them around my kiddos.
We are nearly to this point.

Our guest got on a plane home yesterday, and afterwards hubby and I realized we neither enjoyed the visit, nor felt we had connected with him in any way. For all the time going out to dinner, shopping, sight-seeing, we weren't ever unguarded or able to speak our minds. Everything was planned around when he would need the next cigarette, when his hands would start to shake and he'd get antsy for a drink, when one of us would have to go rescue him from a bar. The sole reason I felt compelled to welcome him into our home was to foster a good relationship... but he can't possibly care about our relationship if he acts this way. The truth is if he had to choose between alcohol and me and my son, he would choose alcohol. He is not necessarily a dangerous person, but he is an incredibly selfish person and I no longer feel any connection to him.
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Old 09-18-2012, 03:44 PM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeccaSueCongdon
While I do know that my brother has a drinking problem, I havent spent enough time around him (or anyone with an addiction) to know the signs that they're high. Would anyone be open to sharing what signs you see? Is it an altered personality? Just a "feeling" you get? Just curious.
Like everyone else said, it depends on the addict and the substance. With MIL, who's mostly a pill head, she slooooows way down. Speech, motion, thought, even her blinks are slow. She slurs, everything. And the dumbest part is she thinks we don't notice. The last time she was that way around us she must've taken it right before she got to our house. Because slow motion kicked in and I thought her face was gonna slide right off. She was that far gone, that fast. She barely put words together, but told my husband that she just had a headache. She asked to hold the baby, and my husband told her to leave.
She's mostly a downer pill taker, so that's all I have experience with.
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Old 09-18-2012, 05:22 PM   #49
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

I am actually going through this right now. Growing up i never knew my dad did drugs. When i got older i found out. I thought he was done with it. In the last few years i have begun to wonder if he was doing stuff again. 2 yrs ago this month he had part of his leg amputated so he has been in and out of hospitals. Back in July he was in the hospital getting a pic line to take antibotics. Well somewhere in his stay they did a urine test, came back positive for coke. He calls me saying he doesn't understand, have done it. Then goes on to say that it has been a month or two. That is where i stopped listening. He has had so many excuses to everyone else. Residue in the cup that the sample was in, to putting the coke on his tooth cause it was hurting. Lastly he told my dh that he put it on his stump. I have stopped contact with him cause i can not trust him. His behavior is what i would expect from my 20 yr old, not my 64 yr old dad. He also leaves his prescription drugs all over the house open. insulin pen laying around where my 3 yr old can get it. Somedays i feel guilty for not talking to him, but then again i have to think of my children. I have a 20, 12 and 3.

Jennifer mom of Breanna 20, Noah 12 and MAson 3
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Old 09-21-2012, 01:47 PM   #50
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Re: Letting addicts around your kids

my mom is an alchoholic and she has gotten progressively worse over the years. now that my dad died of cancer a few years ago she no longer works and has a deadbeat guy living with her. Even though she lives about 7 hours away, I have decided she can't come for visits anymore until she cleans herself up (which might be never). She never calls us, shows no interest in my 4 children and I don't think she deserves to have an influence in their lives. it's sad but it's not really my fault and the less contact I have with her, the more peaceful I feel. (unless I am up all night worrying about what will happen to her). it's horrible.
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