What to say to nosy people

[mcmorley]

Dh and I have been for 2+ years to no avail (despite help from the re). Right now we are in a holding pattern trying to figure out what our next steps should be.

On Sunday I will be going to a baby shower for my brother & SIL who are expecting their first. I am really anxious about this shower because there will be at least 2 other very pregnant people in addition to SIL. A majority of the family does not know our infertility situation (including my mom). My family has not been shy about making comments about dh and I starting a family, what other people have gone through to have children, anecdotes for getting pregnant and general comments about how pets are multiplying more than grand kids. Sadly, I wouldn't put it past my mother to "plant" an innocent question to try to pry. Plus, to some it's natural to even comment about how dh and I have been married for 1.5 years longer than my brother & SIL so shouldn't we be announcing something soon.

Needless to say, I am really sensitive to any comments and already feel like a ticking time bomb due to previous comments we have had to grin and bear. Not going to this shower is not an option because I don't want to create bad blood between me and my brother or SIL. I am looking for polite but direct responses to those dreadful questions about if/when DH and I plan to start our family and how to squash any other unsolicited comments without coming out with "we can't".

Any advice you can offer is much appreciated!

[aimeeturd]

Is there a reason you haven't told your mom? I'm just thinking it would be easier if someone else knew that could help deflect the questions and attention away from you.

[doulamomma]

I went through the same thing. No real advice just (((hugs)))

Sent from my droid

[mcmorley]

Originally Posted by aimeeturd Is there a reason you haven't told your mom? I'm just thinking it would be easier if someone else knew that could help deflect the questions and attention away from you.

Sadly, My mom is the number one offender with the comments. I just don't trust that she will keep this confidential as she tends to use any personal info as gossip, a way to meddle, try to "manage" our interventions, or spin it into more drama. One of my sisters knows our situation and is usually very good about changing the topic when this stuff comes up but since there will be 25+ people at this shower I can't count on her to be at my side the entire time.

[hpfgirl]

How about
-well, it won't be THIS year
-we would love to have children. Period. Blank stare.

[qsefthuko]

I just flat out told people who asked the truth. We haven't been able to get pregnant. Or we are unable to have more kids. It was the quickest way to shut people up. They also never brought up the subject again.

[kricket24]

Bless your heart, I know that's not fun. Unfortunately, it doesn't end with having one baby either. We have 6 years between our boys so from the time DS#1 was 2 years old on, we got the "when are you having another?" questions. I have friends and family that had 3 or 4 kids in between us having our two. I usually just tried to deflect with things like, "it'll happen when it's supposed to" or "we're happy right now and a(nother) baby will be welcome when the time is right". In your situation, I'd probably say things like, "Oh you know, it'll happen eventually!" and "Right now I'm just really looking forward to getting my baby fix when (brother & SIL's) baby arrives." Maybe trying to turn the focus back on SIL and their baby will help them lay off of you. If it gets too out of hand, I'd just try to make light of it the best you can (even though I KNOW how hard that is!) and say something like, "Ok, OK! I get it! We have our homework to do, thank you! LOL" or "Well I guess we're still just enjoying the practice!" Hopefully it goes better than you think and everyone will be more focused on baby clothes and diaper games!

[happysmileylady]

We tried for 6+ years to get pregnant with DD2. But, through the whole thing, I was 100% entirely open and honest when anyone asked anything. IF they were rude comments from strangers or almost strangers, I had absolutely no qualms about making them feel terrible.

For example, I was at my oldest's soccer game once and was discussing kids with another mom. She asked if DD was my only and I said yes. She then made some rude comment about not being a "real" parent with only one. I proceeded to make her feel about 2 inches tall by responding that actually she wasn't an only by our choice and that we had been trying for 4 years and had just had a failed IUI attempt a month ago that had us pretty upset and that we weren't sure we could afford to continue fertility treatments. All she could do was mumble "sorry" and that was about it.

[kelpie169]

I think it depends on your temperament too. I would personally say something sarcastic and probably a little mean. For example "And what's your favorite sex position these day? Oh I'm sorry I thought we were asking horrendously personal and inappropriate questions." generally once you mortifying one person word spreads and people will leave you alone. I really have no advice for being nice about it though.

[Computermama]

"Well, we would have kids, but the trying is just way too much fun right now." In my experience the lewder your response the more quickly the subject will get changed.