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Old 09-26-2012, 07:09 AM   #1
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I have a few questions...

I found out yesterday that we have one embryo left and I have had a 50% thaw rate of survival. So I am not too hopeful (though I am trying to be) of being able to have another natural child. Before we went through all of this treatment, DH and I were thinking of doing adoption. At the time we were looking at China as I had one sister (now 2) adopted from there. However I am no longer able to go to China with my history of cancer. So I am looking at infant adoption in this country.

My understanding is there is a form of adoption in this country where you can write letters to the birth family, but they are not allowed to just come by and don't really see the child other then photographs, unless the child wants to meet them. Is this correct? I have an extensive immediate family that honestly confuses DH, so I don't want to put another layer on that with a completely open adoption. I have 3 dads (and a father in law) and 2 moms (I only call one mom though, also have a MIL). We have the 2 children adopted from China (currently 9 and 10 years old) and I have 2 step brothers, and a half sister who hasn't talked to us in 6 years. I also have 3 grandmothers (yes that is one more then normal) still living.

Is it possible to adopt and still make your own formula? I have been reading about "normal" formula and honestly it scares me. I would try to induce lactation if I was able to do so, but if I wasn't successful, I would prefer to make my own "formula".

I think we would go the straight adoption route and not foster to adopt, though I am not 100% certain. If we did foster to adopt, are you able to take children out of the area for vacations (that you are fostering)? My mother lives in Florida and we go down there at least once a year. I live in NJ if you're reading this on a cell phone.

I can homeschool and adopt right? We do distant learning but I just want to make sure.

Anyone have any agencies that they recommend?

Thank you for any help you can give me. DH is sort of in denial about all of this right now. He said we will discuss this more if this last cycle isn't successful. However I am of the mindset I need to know where I am going rather then figuring it out when I get there.

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Old 09-26-2012, 09:14 AM   #2
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Re: I have a few questions...

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Old 09-26-2012, 09:22 AM   #3
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Re: I have a few questions...

I agree with Beth. Closed domestic adoptions (not through foster care) are just about unheard of these days. Although semi open adoptions exist, there is the attitude out there to be very open with birth parents and that seems to be more openness than you want. Embryo adoption does sound like a really good option for you. I believe costs are similar if not cheaper than domestic adoption anyway.
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Old 09-26-2012, 09:54 AM   #4
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Thanks for your honesty. I had pelvic radiation so a pregnancy has some of my doctors thinking I am nuts for even trying.

I guess I should wrap my head around my son being an only child and me not being bitter about it.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:25 AM   #5
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Re: I have a few questions...

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My understanding is there is a form of adoption in this country where you can write letters to the birth family, but they are not allowed to just come by and don't really see the child other then photographs, unless the child wants to meet them. Is this correct? I have an extensive immediate family that honestly confuses DH, so I don't want to put another layer on that with a completely open adoption. I have 3 dads (and a father in law) and 2 moms (I only call one mom though, also have a MIL). We have the 2 children adopted from China (currently 9 and 10 years old) and I have 2 step brothers, and a half sister who hasn't talked to us in 6 years. I also have 3 grandmothers (yes that is one more then normal) still living.

So you would want to look into a semi-open adoption. We have an open adoption with our son's birthmom, but she lives several states away from us so we send pictures monthly and we text. A situation like this may work for you if you didn't want a lot of in-person interaction.

Is it possible to adopt and still make your own formula? I have been reading about "normal" formula and honestly it scares me. I would try to induce lactation if I was able to do so, but if I wasn't successful, I would prefer to make my own "formula".

You can absolutely make your own formula. In a private adoption it's much different than with foster care. You would probably need to get a dr. ok though, because in follow up visits for finalization I know we are asked what brand of formula our son eats. He's still exclusively breastfed though, so that hasn't been an issue yet. You could definitely look into inducing lactation and supplementing with donor breastmilk if needed.

I think we would go the straight adoption route and not foster to adopt, though I am not 100% certain. If we did foster to adopt, are you able to take children out of the area for vacations (that you are fostering)? My mother lives in Florida and we go down there at least once a year. I live in NJ if you're reading this on a cell phone.

you have to get court permission to take a child in your care out of state with foster care.

I can homeschool and adopt right? We do distant learning but I just want to make sure.

Yes, we homeschool and our son's birthmom was excited that her son would be homeschooled. She said she was glad he would get to be so smart.

Anyone have any agencies that they recommend?

I would recommend finding several local agencies and working with an adoption consultant. I can send you a recommendation for a consultant if you'd like. They will help you cast your net wider so to speak as far as finding your child. We have two different friends who have adopted a baby after birthmom signed away her rights and she didn't want anything to do with picking the adoptive family. If you are worried that a birthmom may not pick you given your history, know that a situation like that may be an option. In both cases the adoption is a closed one.

Thank you for any help you can give me. DH is sort of in denial about all of this right now. He said we will discuss this more if this last cycle isn't successful. However I am of the mindset I need to know where I am going rather then figuring it out when I get there.
Best of luck. It's a crazy journey. It thankfully went pretty fast for us, but for many I know it's a long road
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Old 09-26-2012, 11:26 AM   #6
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Thanks for your honesty. I had pelvic radiation so a pregnancy has some of my doctors thinking I am nuts for even trying.

I guess I should wrap my head around my son being an only child and me not being bitter about it.
I am so sorry to hear you sounding so down. from your other posts I know you are a very positive person and I think you would have to be to survive what youhave gone through. I'm so sorry for your heartache.

There are so many ways to grow a family, and it will take lots of research and deep thought to make the choice that is really right for your family. Dont count yourself out just yet! I am always thinking of you mama. Your strength is inspiring.
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Old 09-26-2012, 01:27 PM   #7
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Best of luck. It's a crazy journey. It thankfully went pretty fast for us, but for many I know it's a long road
Thank you for your well thought out answers! I am in my local Holistic Mom's Network so finding a doctor that wouldn't mind us using homemade formula shouldn't be that much of a challenge. I know my son's current doctor would, but honestly the only reason we still go to him is because I am afraid of another NICU baby should I happen to get pregnant. They would be great with NICU needs baby. I have heard of other doctors around that are more open then our current pediatrician.

It honestly didn't occur to me that people would be scared off by my history. I am at the 2 year mark and no sign of the cancer right now. At 5 years I am like the general population so I figure I am about halfway there. I guess that is something I should think about.

I guess foster care is completely out for us. We routinely go to neighboring states.

Please do send me the recommendation for the consultant. I am not sure I will use it but I would like to have it just in case.

Thank you!

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I am so sorry to hear you sounding so down. from your other posts I know you are a very positive person and I think you would have to be to survive what youhave gone through. I'm so sorry for your heartache.

There are so many ways to grow a family, and it will take lots of research and deep thought to make the choice that is really right for your family. Dont count yourself out just yet! I am always thinking of you mama. Your strength is inspiring.
Thank you! I was really blindsided by the finding out that I only had one embryo yesterday. It was really all I could do to hold it together in the office when I found out. I can barely talk to my DH right now as his parents are in town for our son's birthday today so I think after they leave this weekend and I am able to talk to DH I will start to feel a bit better about everything. If that fails to help, we are going to start the conversion process to becoming a Lutheran a week from Saturday so that should lift me up! Don't worry, I will find my happy spot again before I cycle for this last time.
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Old 09-26-2012, 01:45 PM   #8
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You can definitely go out of state with foster kids! You just have to ask first which isnt a big deal usually. I am going to get permission to go across the border to a neighboring state as I gave family near there and we was told in training it is not a big deal at all. We also often drive across country to the east coast to visit my sister and I plan on taking any foster kiddos with me. I could choose to place them in a respite foster home but I think consistency of caregivers is so important with these kiddos and the workers usually agree. Parents want to be perceived as being cooperative (if they are smart!) So they shouldn't have a problem either. I mean if you are in a different state every week then no I dont thin FC is for you. But once in a while would not be a problem here I dont think.
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Old 09-26-2012, 02:20 PM   #9
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Re: I have a few questions...

I am in a different state every week because we live in a county that is neighboring another state. I don't even think about it when I cross over. DH was born over there and honestly most of my doctors are over there too along with our current pediatrician.
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Old 09-26-2012, 04:45 PM   #10
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Re: I have a few questions...

If you live on a state border, I know here they often make bio parents consent to that in writing right off the bat because going back and forth is so common. Here it is totally up to the bios to give permission if going out of state (not bordering) and it often doesn't happen.
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