Balancing your needs with the needs of an intense baby

[EmmaGM]

DP

[EmmaGM]

I could have written the OP.

DS was diagnosed with silent reflux after I insisted on testing and that has helped about 30%. He's still pretty bad. I HATE cry-it-out but when I started drying up because I was eating half a meal a day, something had to give. So he cries in his swing for like 15 minutes 2 or 3 times a day so I can eat something fast. He does usually fall asleep before the time is up.

Getting him into a routine has helped a lot. Our morning and bedtime routines are solid, but the middle of the day is still total chaos. He fights his sleep and he does SO much better when he's well-rested.

We swaddle him for bedtime and for naps. And he does need darkness or else he becomes overstimulated.

Like I said, we're better but not best yet at 3.5mos but I think I sort of kind of see a light at the end of the tunnel. Take care of you, mama.

[jamie714]

My first two were this way. DD1 got a little easier at 6 months and DD2 at 8 months. All I can say is it will get easier. Also you need to leave baby with Daddy to get a break. Even if baby cries the whole time he will be with someone who loves him and he will eventually learn to relax with Dad as well.

[GEM Cloth]

Just to say it will get better. My first child was intense. She calmed down a lot when she turned 2. I think it was because she got big enough to play hard enough to get some sleep. She mellowed out quite a bit after that. She is now 13 and you can't phase her with anything. Not a thing like she was when she was born.

And just FWIW, my second child was super mellow when she was born and gradually over the years got harder and harder to deal with. About a year or so ago I started working with her and addressing some issues and she is much better, but still very particular. Not a thing like she was when she was born.

[Miss squish]

Ds is 4 1/2 months.

Originally Posted by MDever High needs babies can be so tough. Do you babywear? How much is LO sleeping? Dr. Sears has a GREAT book with his wife about high needs babies. They are parents and medical professionals who have raised a high needs child. You might find it helpful.

We do baby wear, but he won't let me wear him around the house or he screams and tries to wriggle and thrash and it's very uncomfortable. We do a lot of long walks carrying him in a moby or ergo. Just can't stop moving.

What is the name of the book? I think I would like to read it.

He doesn't sleep as much as he should and this is half of his problem I think. He will sleep maybe 8-9 hours broken up over the night and maybe a couple of hours total during the day. When he gets more for a few days he is better but he fights sleeping so much and everything has to be perfect for him to sleep more than 45 min. I have tried so many things with sleep.......

Originally Posted by hollydawn He sounds a lot like my ds, but a little more intense. The first our months he had to be in constant motion. We walked and bounced all day. At about four months he chilled a little and would give me ten minute Blocks of time while he was in the swing. I spent a lot of time with him in the ergo. He is 11 months now and is a very happy guy. He still loves to be held but if the toys are fun enough he will sit and play for 30 minutes on his own. He still wakes several times a night to nurse but other than that he is pretty easy. I think once he crawls he will be even more content. I know how exhausting it is. I know it's awful to hear him cry when they are with someone else. But for your sanity could you at least have dh hold and walk him an hour or so a day? You could leave the house for an hour or nap with white noise on. I'm sorry mama. Hang in there.

11 months......I am glad to hear your ds is happier now that he moves! That gives me some hope!

Originally Posted by luvsviola How old is he? The Happiest Baby on the Block book is good. Most libraries have it. Once he gets older, if he hasn't grown out of it, The Out of Sync Child is a good resource too. If he's older than 4 months...Do you have a good back carrier? Sounds like the Beco Buttefly II would be a godsend for you! It is super easy to get baby on your back so you are holding baby while still having both hands free without baby in the way (Its hard to do laundry or load the dishwasher with a front carrier...) I also think you need to leave him with DH one night a week and have coffee with a friend or go for a run or something just to have some peace. He won't be traumitized by mommy being gone for 3 hours, and you need to distance yourself for awhile or you will go crazy. DH owes you one night a week for what you deal with all day. Don't be a mommy martyr! It gives you something to look forward to all week.

He is 4 1/2 mo. We have the happiest baby book and those principles have really helped. If a friend hadn't given that as a shower gift I don't know where we would be right now.

Is he old enough for a back carry? We have a moby and an ergo.

Originally Posted by EmmaGM I could have written the OP. DS was diagnosed with silent reflux after I insisted on testing and that has helped about 30%. He's still pretty bad. I HATE cry-it-out but when I started drying up because I was eating half a meal a day, something had to give. So he cries in his swing for like 15 minutes 2 or 3 times a day so I can eat something fast. He does usually fall asleep before the time is up. Getting him into a routine has helped a lot. Our morning and bedtime routines are solid, but the middle of the day is still total chaos. He fights his sleep and he does SO much better when he's well-rested. We swaddle him for bedtime and for naps. And he does need darkness or else he becomes overstimulated. Like I said, we're better but not best yet at 3.5mos but I think I sort of kind of see a light at the end of the tunnel. Take care of you, mama.

Ds's ped has suggested reflux and said she would be willing to try meds but wants to give it another couple weeks. We have been dairy free for almost 2 weeks to help his eczema, and since that has already started to clear from that diet change she wants to wait to see if his overall demeanor improves. I'm thinking it might be worth a shot, even 30% improvement is better than none.

To everyone who suggested leaving him with my partner (his father, we all live together just never bothered to get married ) I do, sometimes I leave him with him. Ds is safe with him but after long days at work it is hard for him to come home to a difficult baby, he's exhausted too! And sometimes he is not very nice to ds he would never hurt ds but the way he talks to and handles ds when he's frustrated really bothers me. We have talked about it a lot but it hasn't totally stopped. Yes, ds is a baby has no idea what his dad is saying but the bad attitude is something I'm sure ds can feel.

But is it really okay for him to just cry? I know when I leave he will cry and I won't be there and that thought upsets me. I do leave ds with my partner for periods of time to get groceries or walk the dog alone or something but often it feels not worth it because I come home to a crying baby who has been disrupted and is now out of sorts for a while.

I know I must sound so silly (pretty sure family thinks I am ridiculous) but its so important to me that ds feels safe and secure and knows his mommy and daddy are going to take care of him. Is he still going to feel that way if he is left to cry?

[Miss squish]

I will also post to say that I know I am maybe being overly concerned about leaving him with others.......or not? I can't decide. I am very concerned with creating a healthy attachment in our relationship. I did not have that as a child and am very aware of how that may limit my understanding of what a healthy mother/infant bond should look like and how to achieve it. I am always torn because I also know that taking those fears to the extreme is going to leave him with no independence or confidence.

I'm a social worker, I have spent the last 7 years working with children and families who have experienced trauma and neglect. I have worked with countless children and parents on improving their relationships and have done that work through my own relationships with kids. I just don't have any idea what I am doing with a baby, forget about knowing what to do with a baby whose needs are this intense.

[EmilytheStrange]

It's one thing to leave a 4.5 month old baby crying in a room by themselves.

It's a completely other thing to leave them crying in the arms of someone who loves them. They will survive that. They will not be traumatized. Atleast with daddy.. auntie who loves them might not work as well or might work better!

As someone who has had to swaddle and hold a screaming, crying infant, baby, toddler... even momma sometimes can't calm them down and all you can do is hold them. Think of babies with colic - they scream for hours in the arms of the people who love them and they turn out fine (DH was a colic baby and is quite cuddly and well adjusted).

and you don't sound lame. You sound concerned. Which is the hallmark of a parent who is trying to be a good parent.

[jlsquire0324]

I completely understand not wanting to leave knowing your LO will cry. My DH would never hurt my DD but in the first couple months his tone with her bothered me when he couldn't get her settled down. Try showing Your Partner LOs favorite ways to be held/stimulated etc. Babies can sense our moods, so if we are stressed holding baby then it's unlikely baby will calm down. This is why it's important for you to take care of yourself so that you can be less frazzled/stressed etc when taking care of LO. Explain this to your partner as well so he can try to be calm when he's primary caretaker. I agree with pp that it's important for LO and your partner to develop their relationship and bond! :thumbs up: Remember to Breathe Momma! You are doing great!!

[kbjohnsonfam]

This is the same as my first baby! Mama, I could have written this! Even the part about the daddy. Only my hubs would just say that he wants mama, and would get super frustrated that I was leaving a cranky kid with him. He always said that he didnt have the tools, ie boobs and the smell of mama to calm the kid. So I didnt get the breaks I needed because then I would have a super cranky kid and a bear of a husband to deal with after! The kid is now almost 3. He prefers mom for anything. I put him to bed. I have to do most everythign for him. He is still high needs. But we speak eachothers language now. That totally helps. I started signing to him at 10 months, and it started helping. Thats when things started getting better for us.

I also read Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, around 10 months, and wished I had read it sooner. He still is not a great sleeper and needs tremendous help getting to sleep, but I loved the routine in this book. It also talks alot about temerperments and how children respond to things.

[mibarra]

DD2 would scream bloody murder if I handed her off, even to DH. But if I actually left, she'd cry for a few minutes and be fine. I'd try it, maybe a little errand you can abandon if baby won't calm down.