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Old 09-28-2012, 07:32 AM   #21
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This road... sucks.

In all honesty, I don't know if a doppler would make any difference in my anxiety/worry/fear about this pregnancy/baby. I mean, I would know if it was alive right now or not... but that's not really my concern.
My major concern and worry is that this baby has whatever Elliana had, and is just going to die in another few months like she did.
Hearing a hb at this point wouldn't allieviate anything for me, cuz we heard her hb now too. It's really honestly all about the movement... or lack thereof, which is the problem right now. That would make all the difference for me.

I'm wondering, too, if I have been feeling the normal little things I've felt in other pregnancies (before Elli), but I've really desensitized myself to them and am not recognizing them for what they are, kwim? Every so often I do feel something and think "was that the baby?", but then I feel nothing more right away, so I convince myself it wasn't. I think with the other pregnancies, I would feel those things and just say "that was baby", instead of questioning it.
If that makes sense at all.
I've just absolutely refused, this time, to convince myself of not obvious things or to convince myself or tell myself that things are going to be okay. I worked so hard to convince myself of just that with Elliana, I thought of all the reasons and excuses why I wouldn't be feeling the "right" movements, or why I was measuring small, anything that would mean things were still going to be okay... and it was just much more crushing. I can't build myself up like that again.

Sorry for the novel here... and I am really sorry if what I say is uncomfortable for some mamas to read. Trust me, I do understand that. I remember being uncomfortable reading these things before we had any losses. But this is my reality now.
I'm so thankful for your vulnerability and willingness to share. I think it makes me a better friend and a more compassionate person to realize more and more every day that I truly have no concept of the pain, thoughts, and concerns of those around me. Blessings to you and your new little. I am so glad to "know" you and hear your heart.

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Old 09-28-2012, 07:52 AM   #22
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Re: Anyone else...

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I'm so thankful for your vulnerability and willingness to share. I think it makes me a better friend and a more compassionate person to realize more and more every day that I truly have no concept of the pain, thoughts, and concerns of those around me. Blessings to you and your new little. I am so glad to "know" you and hear your heart.
Wow. Thank you for those words, Beth.
I know there are mamas who won't understand what I'm feeling, and that's okay. But I just want everyone to know that I'm not trying to bring everyone "down", kwim? I don't lie well, even online So what I say is how I feel; brutal, painful, or otherwise!
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Old 09-28-2012, 12:08 PM   #23
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Re: Anyone else...

I haven't see or heard it... though i'm told there is one. The screens were broken at the place I had my dating scan. I have my 12 week scan next week so I'm really hoping to get to see it this time... still doesn't really feel real for me. I'm hoping somehting tangible like seeing it will help.
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:10 AM   #24
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Re: Anyone else...

I would echo what Beth said, Elena. Please feel free to say what you need to say here. I have not experienced the heartache that you did, but I have miscarried before, and it's a horrific experience. Praying for peace for you.
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:44 AM   #25
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I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry you don't have the freedom to just enjoy the pregnancy. That would be so hard. hugs and prayers for your LO and you.
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Old 09-29-2012, 07:05 AM   #26
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I would echo what Beth said, Elena. Please feel free to say what you need to say here. I have not experienced the heartache that you did, but I have miscarried before, and it's a horrific experience. Praying for peace for you.
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I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry you don't have the freedom to just enjoy the pregnancy. That would be so hard. hugs and prayers for your LO and you.
Aww, mamas. Thank you so much for understanding. I worry sometimes that I come across as the "debbie downer" in the group, because my posts often include "if" instead of "when". I am trying to enjoy this pregnancy - it is our last one for sure, and I just want to enjoy this state of being that I really do love... but there's this shadow overhanging it all the time. If I could know this baby is healthy and coming to join our family in the spring, it would all be okay. But that's not something anyone can know.
I do hope I will get there, to a place where I can think "when" and be happy and excited. That's why I post here with you guys! But thank you for giving me the freedom to say how I'm truly feeling when I need to.
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Old 09-29-2012, 04:31 PM   #27
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I'm not one for words, just to you, Elena. You are a strong a beautiful woman. I have a good friend who has been through some tough times, miscarriage and infant death. And now she has her first healthy baby. I don't know she and you stay so strong, but you do. I don't know that I would be sane after such events.
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:19 PM   #28
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Re: Anyone else...

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I'm not one for words, just to you, Elena. You are a strong a beautiful woman. I have a good friend who has been through some tough times, miscarriage and infant death. And now she has her first healthy baby. I don't know she and you stay so strong, but you do. I don't know that I would be sane after such events.
Thank you mama, and again, all of you. Seriously, you don't know how much these words mean to me.

I wouldn't say I'm truly sane most days and I don't consider myself strong, but you get through, one day at a time.
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Old 09-30-2012, 12:23 PM   #29
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So I am late to the game, but I second what everyone else said. I feel like you add so much to this group!
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Old 10-01-2012, 08:22 AM   #30
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Thank you Meg!

And to kinda update this thread (that I inadvertently hijacked ) - I've felt baby moving the past few days, at least a couple times through the day It's that ticklish feeling, like someone's running a finger across my belly - but from the inside! Definitely baby in there!
And it's definitely "normal" movement (for me), instead of Elli's little bumps. Bittersweet still... but I also love that Elli had her very own kind of movement, that was totally different from any of the others.
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