Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-28-2012, 03:33 PM   #11
mommy24babes's Avatar
mommy24babes
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 1,369
My Mood:
It can be really hard when life throws you a curve ball. Dh and I unexpectedly found ourselves pregnant after I had just started my new career.
It can be a bit of mourning for plans that won't or can't come to be. We wouldn't change a thing.

As many pps pointed out a lot of parents feel the same way when expecting a second planned bio child.
It's hard not to love a sweet innocent child.
She will be your daughter and you both her parents if you let it.

Advertisement

mommy24babes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 03:50 PM   #12
chandni3
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,362
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

It's important to feel all your feelings and worries. It's important to speak them and discuss them with your hubby. Life is never how we plan it. You can have all the plans you want, but life will do what it wants. I think it's hard to imagine things without knowing your niece. Of course you don't love her, of course you don't feel all warm and fuzzy about her, you've never met her. I think you need to discuss all the options and find out step by step how things will go down and you need to meet your niece. She may be a real sweetheart who'll you'll not be able to imagine life without in a few years. Or she may have a lot of emotional problems you may not be able to deal with. Also, remember bonding is a processes. You don't feel about other kids the way you do about your own because you have bonded with your child. If you work on bonding with your niece you'll eventually have those feelings about her too. You seem like the planning and researching kind of people so joining a support group or talking to an adoption counselor might really help you sort through your feelings and give you a plan on how you can make this work.
__________________
Mommy to sweet daughter K Nov 2011 & N May 2013. Wife to wonderful husband D since Sept 2008. Always remembering baby J 10wks Missing baby Q 13wks

https://www.etsy.com/shop/PumpkinsandMe
Montessori and Waldorf Inspired Toys

Last edited by chandni3; 09-28-2012 at 03:51 PM.
chandni3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 03:56 PM   #13
itiswhatitis1984's Avatar
itiswhatitis1984
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 499
My Mood:
This can be done but I'm going to pass on information that was given to my parents before they adopted me. They were told they have to be ready & not holding onto resentment feelings or that will pass on to the child. My parents are awesome and love me as if they had given birth to me. I never felt like I wasn't theirs. However when I was 18 I found my biological mom and over the years it was clear that I wasn't loved like the children she raised. So what I've realized is giving birth or not giving birth doesn't really matter. What matters is how you feel about raising the child. If this is something you feel you should do but are afraid of resenting her then I'd recommend seeing a professional counselor (preferably on that is familiar with family vs other things) so they can help you sort through those feelings. If the child comes to live with you when her mom passes she is going to need extra love because she's not going to understand why she doesn't see mommy everyday and now it's you she sees. There can be done behavioral issues (tantrums, crying for mommy, and anger just to name a few) to with the adjustment that you would have to be ready to work through. She isn't going to be able to talk out her feelings like an older child and that's why I'd be prepared for some behaviors you wouldn't normally have. Its a hard decision and it's one only you & your husband can make together. You both have to be on the same page.
itiswhatitis1984 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 04:40 PM   #14
Bhavana's Avatar
Bhavana
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: India
Posts: 1,068
My Mood:
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

From your post, it appears that you are very angry with your sister for abandoning her children. You have a VERY good heart because as a helpless teen, it hurt you to see her oldest -whom you cared for - being shunted off to her dad. Here too, Im sure you will prove to be a very loving mama...much better than her own.

You are mourning the possible loss of the happy threesome your family is currently and all the big plans you had. And you are not willing to parent another child already since you are still so in love with your first one. It is really a treasured phase. That fiirst baby-mother bond is something else again and you are fraught with worry about having to upset it, about haiving to share your parenting time so soon, especially to a child who will come home with a set mind and will mostly have issues regarding her mom's absence.

If I were you, I would be very worried about the change in the family dynamics, the finances, the changes dh and I would have to make on an intellectual level, the constant second-guessing our decisions, worried about whether Im being a good enough mother to her/dealing with her day-to-day issues.

But at the same time, the fierce over-protective mother bear instincts in me would want to take that girl into my home and make her ours. With child abuse being so rampant, (and with females being outnumbered by males) I would want my niece to thrive, and to call me her mom. The initial couple of years maybe rough, but I hope she'll also accept you whole-heartedly.

Wish you and your DH LOTS of good luck.
__________________
All those crunchy things and more Amma to DS1(9.2007) and DS2(1.2011)
Bhavana is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 04:49 PM   #15
Palooka's Avatar
Palooka
Registered Users
Formerly: jenn.***
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,451
My Mood:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bhavana
From your post, it appears that you are very angry with your sister for abandoning her children. You have a VERY good heart because as a helpless teen, it hurt you to see her oldest -whom you cared for - being shunted off to her dad. Here too, Im sure you will prove to be a very loving mama...much better than her own.

You are mourning the possible loss of the happy threesome your family is currently and all the big plans you had. And you are not willing to parent another child already since you are still so in love with your first one. It is really a treasured phase. That fiirst baby-mother bond is something else again and you are fraught with worry about having to upset it, about haiving to share your parenting time so soon, especially to a child who will come home with a set mind and will mostly have issues regarding her mom's absence.

If I were you, I would be very worried about the change in the family dynamics, the finances, the changes dh and I would have to make on an intellectual level, the constant second-guessing our decisions, worried about whether Im being a good enough mother to her/dealing with her day-to-day issues.

But at the same time, the fierce over-protective mother bear instincts in me would want to take that girl into my home and make her ours. With child abuse being so rampant, (and with females being outnumbered by males) I would want my niece to thrive, and to call me her mom. The initial couple of years maybe rough, but I hope she'll also accept you whole-heartedly.

Wish you and your DH LOTS of good luck.
Thank you, you said it all so perfectly. I'm on the subway home and nearly started crying. I don't like thinking about being a parent to a two year old right now. I don't want to parent anyone but my baby and give him everything I have. It's the most selfish but also most basic instinct right now.

I know when it comes down to it I will come to terms and be happy, because I can't let another niece disappear, not now that I can stop it... but right now I see my own perfect family changing and I want to puke.
Palooka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:05 PM   #16
Only's Avatar
Only
Registered Users
Formerly: hu**rees
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 8,984
I have experience with this, feel free to PM me if you like.
__________________
"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart;
that will take your life and light it up or destroy it.
Then, you become a mother."

Austen 06/12
Only is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:11 PM   #17
JennTheMomma's Avatar
JennTheMomma
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 7,820
My Mood:
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

If it were me I would take in the girl. Maybe you could talk to a counselor to get all these feelings out.
JennTheMomma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:15 PM   #18
masja's Avatar
masja
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Nanaimo, BC :)
Posts: 2,295
My Mood:
Dh an I have 3 children of our own (7, 3, & 5.5 months) three years ago his BIL was murdered and his sister who has 3 older kids took a turn for the worse (drugs, booze, etc) we now have her youngest child, who will be 16 in a few months. We have had him now for 3 years. Yes we could have left him with his mother, but in the end it came down to his quality of life and where he would be better off. We are far from rich, we struggle but knowing that we have given him a chance at a stable home life, adults that will ensure he goes to school and makes something of himself makes me feel better. This was obviously Gods plan, and I can't help but respect that. Yes it's been hard financially and emotionally, but it has had it's rewards. Considering the life he has grown up in, he's a great kid.

If you do this, know that u could potentially help her to become a stable and wonderful person. Just like with your own flesh and blood child, she will grow up to respect u and be grateful for taking her in and raising her. Everything happens a for a reason, and tho it causes you grief now, it will become a blessing in the end
__________________
Veggie Treehugging mama, happily married to my hubby for 12 years .
Mama to S (03-05) F (05-09) & F (04-12)
masja is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:15 PM   #19
L J's Avatar
L J
Gazelle Intense
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Sweet Home Alabama
Posts: 10,293
You don't have to do it, you know. You can pass, say it just isn't possible for you guys to take on that responsibility right now.

I am an only child and not at all close to any extended family. That probably makes it harder for me to understand any feelings of obligation you have.

I would worry about what kind of home life this child has had for the past 2.5 years. I'm sure she will be coming to you with a lot of emotional trauma. We aren't all cut out to devote our lives to a child like that. I'm not.

I'm sure this won't be the popular post, but really, think long and hard before agreeing to do this out of guilt or feelings of obligation.
__________________
Laura, mama to Henry 01.28.07; Catherine 09.01.11
always missing Jack, 08.23.10
& newest addition Audrey, 04.15.14
L J is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:22 PM   #20
Bhavana's Avatar
Bhavana
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: India
Posts: 1,068
My Mood:
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Only View Post
I have experience with this, feel free to PM me if you like.
Yep, yep.

I just read Only's other -sugared- thread and was all the while thinking you two need to chat with each other.
__________________
All those crunchy things and more Amma to DS1(9.2007) and DS2(1.2011)
Bhavana is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.