Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-28-2012, 05:22 PM   #21
Angel89411
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 8,157
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

There was a point in my pregnancy with DS2 that I resented him for coming in the way of my relationship with DS1. I was so miserable during pregnancy and I was worried when he got here, it would never be the same with DS1 again. I couldn't imagine it any other way now. Somehow, miraculously, there is room in my heart and life for both. Not the same, I know. Life will throw us curve balls and you have to decide if you wanna swing or not.

Advertisement

Angel89411 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:25 PM   #22
JamieJLD's Avatar
JamieJLD
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 3,175
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by L J View Post
You don't have to do it, you know. You can pass, say it just isn't possible for you guys to take on that responsibility right now.

I am an only child and not at all close to any extended family. That probably makes it harder for me to understand any feelings of obligation you have.

I would worry about what kind of home life this child has had for the past 2.5 years. I'm sure she will be coming to you with a lot of emotional trauma. We aren't all cut out to devote our lives to a child like that. I'm not.

I'm sure this won't be the popular post, but really, think long and hard before agreeing to do this out of guilt or feelings of obligation.
I agree. It is okay to say no if you and your DH don't feel like saying yes is a good option for your family.
__________________
Jamie, SAHM to Rosemary 5/08 and Faye 9/10
JamieJLD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:29 PM   #23
mibarra
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8,983
That is tough. This child is not her mother, though, and innocent of her mother's crimes. The child is not to blame for the situation, she is the victim. Any stable home with respect and genuine caring would be better than the majority of foster homes around here, but different places are different. I understand the feeling of being forced into this, of it not being your plan, and not feeling you could love this child. But if you can open your heart and give her a fair chance, I think you'll be surprised with how much you can love her. I'm not saying you have to take her in, just saying I think it wouldn't be the end of the world.

I had been dating my DH for 6 months (we were living together). Some friends of ours routinely cared for another woman's child for several months, but the useless, neglectful mom refused to give up custody, just rotated who she dumped the child on. My DH told me there was a chance he was this child's father ( from before we even met). Well I knew he was the one, but we hadn't been dating that long and I was still in grad school. But I decided, and then we decided together, that if he was the father we would take her to court for full custody. He wasn't, so we didn't, and she finally ended up getting adopted to a good family. I just knew that we could make this child's life better, and decided that's what we needed to do.

It's a really tough decision, and you have to do what is right for you and your family. Good luck.
mibarra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:32 PM   #24
Celeste's Avatar
Celeste
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,761
My Mood:
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenn.mcc

We have talked about it a little, but always hypothetically. We knew my sister was sick, we knew the rest of my family is also not well (sister 2 has 3 teenagers and a husband with terminal brain cancer, my mom is caring for my 97 year old father, and my brother is an unmarried alcoholic). No one had asked us before, but hubby and I talked about it. We had just sort of agreed that it would be hard but we would make it work.

Today I got the call, and today after work we are going to have to discuss it for real, and the reality is what's freaking me out. And I think my hubby also feels like we worked hard to earn this family that we wanted, and now it might change. I know my niece didn't do anything wrong, and that she deserves a good home, and that it's unfair to her as well. But my sister is like a stranger to us both, so it feels like someone off the street asking us to take in their child.
I understand that this is a hard decision that will change your family. You have some difficult things to discuss with your dh. What it boil down to for me is how would I feel in the months and years to come after when this little innocent girl was in foster care. And honestly, if a stranger came up to me on the street and asked me to take their child or they would be placed in foster care, I would do it.
__________________
: Blessed wife to Jon, homeschooling Mama to Ava Catherine (1-6-07), Faith Olivia (3-17-09) , and Eli David (11-30-10), my sweet little guy!
Celeste is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 05:42 PM   #25
DevotedAuntie's Avatar
DevotedAuntie
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 116
I am raising my niece, and even though she isn't my daughter I could not love her more and the bond I have with her is stronger than a lot of mothers have with their babies. I'm also an adoptive parent, my daughter is 25 now and was adopted 10 years ago.
I totally get the being angry with your sister, most days I want to strangle my sister. She has 2 children, my mom raised her oldest until he was 5 and he's 7 now and just moved back with my mom because my sister is neglectful, puts herself and various men before her children and lives in absolute filth. The baby was only a couple of weeks old when she started leaving her with me for days at a time and now at 6 months she lives with me and her mother barely ever spends more than 5 minutes with her and does zero actual caring for her. She lives next door to me (until October 1st anyway, shes being evicted so who knows where she will be then) or she would never see the baby because it's normally only when she is coming over to get something or wants a ride somewhere that she sees her.
I stay so angry and frustrated with her, I honestly can't stand to be around her because it makes me so mad that she is just going on like it's perfectly normal to do what she is doing to her kids. That doesn't affect the way I feel about my niece except to maybe make me want to try harder to make sure that she knows that she is wanted and loved very much because her mother doesn't do that.
Only you know if the best choice for your family is to adopt your niece, and if it isn't then maybe there is an alternative to foster care. I've heard a few stories of families adopting a child of a friend of a friend or something like that. I don't have any advice really on that part of it but I wanted to say yes it's totally possible to be a loving mother to your niece despite your feelings toward your sister, I do it every day

Sent from my SCH-I500 using DS Forum
__________________
Loving my crazy life with my cloth diapered, sling loving, bed sharing, super attached niece (3/12) Blessed by adoption with my forever teenager (3/87) who made me a grandma (10/12) at 32!
DevotedAuntie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 06:22 PM   #26
isabelsmummy
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 3,781
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

I had that planned life too. I'm a planner, I'm good with money, I'm organized and life while not perfect, was by all accounts good - and now it's not. I would not at all be happy about being in your situation either.

But I think in my mind the only way I wouldn't take the niece was if someone I knew wanted to adopt her. She's only 2.5. Just a baby really. None of this is her fault and while it totally sucks when our, otherwise good, lives don't go as planned, it's nothing like what her life could end up like if the next 15yrs don't go well.

I could never live with myself if something bad happened to her and I could have prevented it. I realize that one could say that about any child really. We should all adopt all the foster kids until there are no more I suppose. But somehow, when it's in your face like it is, it's different.

Good luck with your incredibly difficult decision.
isabelsmummy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 06:30 PM   #27
Celeste's Avatar
Celeste
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,761
My Mood:
Dp
__________________
: Blessed wife to Jon, homeschooling Mama to Ava Catherine (1-6-07), Faith Olivia (3-17-09) , and Eli David (11-30-10), my sweet little guy!

Last edited by Celeste; 09-28-2012 at 06:33 PM.
Celeste is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 08:16 PM   #28
Palooka's Avatar
Palooka
Registered Users
Formerly: jenn.***
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,449
My Mood:
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

Hubby and I don't feel any better after talking. He tried calling his mom for advice, but all he got was her crying about how his dad is hitting the bottle again and hasn't been sober for a week. We can't take this anymore. What is the point of starting our own family and having these wonderful dreams and goals if the family around us is falling apart? My family hasn't done a thing for me since I was 18, not even a card for my wedding or when our baby was born. If they ever visit it's only to use our home like a hotel, getting drunk and demanding we cart them around town. If they ever call it's only to borrow money. I haven't spoken to sister #2 in several months, despite the fact that I call her at least once a week. She doesn't answer, just texts to say how busy she is. Today was the first time she's called me since I was pregnant and it was to ask me to take in our niece because our mom had asked her and she felt like she couldn't. Is this really what family is? Should I really feel any more responsibility toward this child than I feel toward all the other kids currently in foster care? Obviously I want all those kids to have homes, but I'm not in any position to provide it right now.

My hubby is just plain angry, and I don't blame him. He's met sister #1 only once, and she showed little to no interest in him. He's never met her daughter. Now we're supposed to say "she's family, of course we will take her." I don't know what constitutes family, but this doesn't feel like it. The fact that we have the same mother (three different dads between me and my three siblings) doesn't seem like it's enough to make me feel a bond. I grew up in the same dysfunctional, filthy, abusive home as 3 other people (not all at the same time), does that make us family? The fact that these adults, all of whom are older than I or my hubby, have periodically ignored and used us for the past 5 years, does that make us family?

I keep asking my hubby, if this were your sister's kids, what would we do? The difference is his sister calls us, she asks about our lives and our baby, she listens to us and we listen to her. She doesn't use us emotionally or financially. And we know her kids because she has made an effort to help us know them. And she would help us if we were in the same situation. To me that is family.

I know I'm angry, I just have to get it out. I'm sorry.
Palooka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 08:46 PM   #29
mibarra
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 8,983
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenn.mcc
Hubby and I don't feel any better after talking. He tried calling his mom for advice, but all he got was her crying about how his dad is hitting the bottle again and hasn't been sober for a week. We can't take this anymore. What is the point of starting our own family and having these wonderful dreams and goals if the family around us is falling apart? My family hasn't done a thing for me since I was 18, not even a card for my wedding or when our baby was born. If they ever visit it's only to use our home like a hotel, getting drunk and demanding we cart them around town. If they ever call it's only to borrow money. I haven't spoken to sister #2 in several months, despite the fact that I call her at least once a week. She doesn't answer, just texts to say how busy she is. Today was the first time she's called me since I was pregnant and it was to ask me to take in our niece because our mom had asked her and she felt like she couldn't. Is this really what family is? Should I really feel any more responsibility toward this child than I feel toward all the other kids currently in foster care? Obviously I want all those kids to have homes, but I'm not in any position to provide it right now.

My hubby is just plain angry, and I don't blame him. He's met sister #1 only once, and she showed little to no interest in him. He's never met her daughter. Now we're supposed to say "she's family, of course we will take her." I don't know what constitutes family, but this doesn't feel like it. The fact that we have the same mother (three different dads between me and my three siblings) doesn't seem like it's enough to make me feel a bond. I grew up in the same dysfunctional, filthy, abusive home as 3 other people (not all at the same time), does that make us family? The fact that these adults, all of whom are older than I or my hubby, have periodically ignored and used us for the past 5 years, does that make us family?

I keep asking my hubby, if this were your sister's kids, what would we do? The difference is his sister calls us, she asks about our lives and our baby, she listens to us and we listen to her. She doesn't use us emotionally or financially. And we know her kids because she has made an effort to help us know them. And she would help us if we were in the same situation. To me that is family.

I know I'm angry, I just have to get it out. I'm sorry.
That's awful. I'm sorry the family situation is so terrible. Sounds like they haven't been 'family' for awhile, if ever, so to speak. I completely understand the feeling of 'How dare these practical strangers demand this of us? What right do they have? What have the done to earn this?'.

I hate hate hate when life throws a wrench in the works. I feel like I'm constantly asking the universe 'Seriously?!? Are you kidding me!!!'. We had our perfect family and life plan, too. Then my first pregnancy was identical twin girls. Deep breath, rearrange life plan. Then it became high risk, I ended up on bedrest. More financial juggling. Then at 31 weeks I had an emergency C-section because we lost one of them, and the other was sick. We didn't know what would happen. She lived, and after a year of appts and wondering, we find out she's hearing impaired. Another year to determine she's functionally deaf. Now we've been through 2 surgeries, lots of therapy, private school, the birth of a second healthy baby, a miscarriage, another pregnancy going well, my DH just changed jobs, only to find out he'll be unemployed by the end of the year, and he's our main provider... etc.

None of this is to compare or make you feel bad, just to let you know that life is messy, plans change, things come up. Just because it wasn't in the plan doesn't mean it won't be amazing or wonderful or make you happy.

Is there a way you can spend time with this child to get a feel for her before you make a decision? Good luck mama!
mibarra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 09:06 PM   #30
Only's Avatar
Only
Registered Users
Formerly: hu**rees
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 8,971
Re: My sister's child needs a home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenn.mcc View Post
Hubby and I don't feel any better after talking. He tried calling his mom for advice, but all he got was her crying about how his dad is hitting the bottle again and hasn't been sober for a week. We can't take this anymore. What is the point of starting our own family and having these wonderful dreams and goals if the family around us is falling apart? My family hasn't done a thing for me since I was 18, not even a card for my wedding or when our baby was born. If they ever visit it's only to use our home like a hotel, getting drunk and demanding we cart them around town. If they ever call it's only to borrow money. I haven't spoken to sister #2 in several months, despite the fact that I call her at least once a week. She doesn't answer, just texts to say how busy she is. Today was the first time she's called me since I was pregnant and it was to ask me to take in our niece because our mom had asked her and she felt like she couldn't. Is this really what family is? Should I really feel any more responsibility toward this child than I feel toward all the other kids currently in foster care? Obviously I want all those kids to have homes, but I'm not in any position to provide it right now.

My hubby is just plain angry, and I don't blame him. He's met sister #1 only once, and she showed little to no interest in him. He's never met her daughter. Now we're supposed to say "she's family, of course we will take her." I don't know what constitutes family, but this doesn't feel like it. The fact that we have the same mother (three different dads between me and my three siblings) doesn't seem like it's enough to make me feel a bond. I grew up in the same dysfunctional, filthy, abusive home as 3 other people (not all at the same time), does that make us family? The fact that these adults, all of whom are older than I or my hubby, have periodically ignored and used us for the past 5 years, does that make us family?

I keep asking my hubby, if this were your sister's kids, what would we do? The difference is his sister calls us, she asks about our lives and our baby, she listens to us and we listen to her. She doesn't use us emotionally or financially. And we know her kids because she has made an effort to help us know them. And she would help us if we were in the same situation. To me that is family.

I know I'm angry, I just have to get it out. I'm sorry.
My situation is different yet the same. It's a very messy and complicated thing to experience. I can't elaborate on the public forum because we all saw how the sugar thread was handled and this is a very delicate topic that unless you've btdt it's hard to say. Again, feel free to PM me anytime if you like.

Good luck!
__________________
"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart;
that will take your life and light it up or destroy it.
Then, you become a mother."

Austen 06/12
Only is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.