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Old 08-29-2012, 08:49 PM   #1
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No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

Okay, I know I shouldn't really expect anyone to be supportive--they either will or won't be--but so far only two people I've told about taking the foster parent class have had anything nice to say. My parents think it's a bad idea because they know someone (ONE PERSON) who had a bad experience adopting from foster care. My best friend had all kinds of "I don't know about that" type things to say.. prenatal nutrition, too many unknowns, what if the parents want them back. I tried to explain, to no avail, that we are only adopting after TPR is done. It's not like the parents can come back and take the kid after that. That is what TPR means. My cousin thinks I'm sweet to "take on someone else's problem." And then my parents started on the financial angle.. I mean, yes, we had some issues in the past; they were not our fault (due to medical bills from DS1 and, to a lesser extent, me). We have one credit card that is almost paid off. We pay our bills every month. We have one car and live simply. We are definitely not wealthy and do not have or buy a lot of new or nice things, but we have what we need and DH has a really good, stable job with an excellent benefits package. So.. I'm frustrated. Is this pretty much par for the course?

Thanks for listening.


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Old 08-29-2012, 09:01 PM   #2
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

I feel your pain! We met with the same negativity but the only people we told was my parents. I can't even imagine what they would have said if we'd decided on foster care. We were looking at doing infant adoption either domestic or international. When we told my parents we wanted to adopt my mom informed me that we couldn't because we wouldn't be able to afford a white baby. I had NO CLUE my mom cared or had racial tendencies. But she went on to tell me that she just couldn't accept an African American grandchild (she did grow up in florida in the 50s and 60s) but still, how could she have raised me and I never once heard her say or do anything that would make me think she would feel that way. Oh, and then she told me to cross Asian children off my list because my dad would never accept them. Um, ok, because this is like grocery shopping where you get to pick and choose. Her best friend when I was a little kid was a Korean lady and she and her husband drove 6 hours to be at my wedding! Made me so angry. According to her it's different than when you are asking her to make them family. She even felt the need to bring up the fact that dh has two cousins (adopted AA) and that his family might be willing to accept that but ours most certainly would not. Grrr, makes me mad just to think about it. We have since found out that we can't adopt anyway because of other issues (medical issues for dh). But it was such a crazy slap in the face. We didn't bring it up to anyone else after that while we were looking into it because that hurt so much.
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Old 08-30-2012, 01:20 AM   #3
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

(Hugs) Same thing happened to us. We were very disappointed to hear so much negativity about our choice. So many people were trying to talk us out of it. We are waiting until we are more settled in our new home until we start but my family has always been disapproving of our life (I'm a SAHM). Do what you feel is best for your family and they will come around. I think there are so many horror stories about foster/adopt that people don't want to listen but once they see the child and see it for real they change their minds. That is how it happened for us. I met a family through church who foster/adopted when I was young and it opened my eyes to the possibility of something wonderful. My Husband visited a family (again from church) who worked in the foster care system. They talked for hours and my husband came home to tell me he wanted to foster. I think there is so much unknown about the system and so much bad publicity that no one wants to even think about it. But Child birth is no walk in the park for most women and it turns out to be a beautiful thing. Good luck!
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Old 08-30-2012, 01:46 AM   #4
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

Yep get use to it. In retrospect, I wish I wouldn't have entertained a few conversations, told them what I really thought, or hauled off and slapped them. Very little support even from those closest to me that I would have expected it from. Good thing we're grown ups and we can make our own decisions. If we all had to clear things with our possy before moving forward, it appears there would be next to nobody fostering. Welcome to the club...sorry to hear you didn't get a more positive response!
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:50 AM   #5
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

Sadly, in my experience, it IS par for the course. Sigh. My brother just told me yesterday, when I was telling him about the whole potential new BM ordeal, that he agreed with DH and "seriously, you have 4 kids. That's enough." It hurt.
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:56 AM   #6
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

I'm sorry! Kudos to you for doing what you feel is right for your family and filling such a need in the community! We got the same response from MIL - "You don't want those kind of kids" What?!
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Old 08-30-2012, 11:46 AM   #7
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

Yes it does seem that way. When my friend told me this is what he wanted to do I put all of my effort into being positive and supportive for him because I knew so many people in his life would not be. Honestly his parents are also supportive (his siblings not so much all of the time) but he was nervous about telling them. He will come to me and ask me to be honest about what might happen, any negatives I can see, and I try to be honest, but with as much positive spin as possible. I know he would do the same for me, and he does. Do I worry that he is taking on too much when he is young and single? Yes I do. Do I know that his parents and dh and I will be here for him every step of the way. We absolutely will.

When dh and I mentioned adoption years ago my parents rolled their eyes and told me "I thought you didn't want children" (I have two mind you). My IL's were reasonably supportive. Now when we are discussing it more seriously with a plan in mind dh brought it up again and we met the same type of negative reaction from my family. My mother said we have our hands full and shouldn't take on any more. That we have a small house and too little money. That I really don't have it in me to handle any more kids any way. Now keep in mind these are all ideas that I struggle with myself (wonder who might have planted them in my mind) so it is hard to hear them from my own mother. She is a good person, she is the type of person who happily welcomes my kids, my nieces and nephews (on dh's side) and even my friends kids, into her home to play or stay so we can go out together for couple's nights sans kids. I would like to believe if we moved forward adopting a child from foster care or the waiting child list she would support us and accept the child as a member of the family without treating him/her any differently than any of the other kids. I just didn't expect the reaction I got. Of course now that we have an official diagnosis for Tharen I have dh telling me he doesn't know if we can handle another child. I don't know why the diagnosis changes anything but I guess we are on temporary hold that may become permanent.
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Old 08-30-2012, 02:07 PM   #8
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

First time we told family we were getting licensed as foster parents and wanting to adopt we got, "What if you get a yucky one?" !!!
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Old 08-30-2012, 03:50 PM   #9
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Re: No one is supportive. Mostly a vent.

Yep, I think that is fairly common, unfortunately. I was actually surprised that my parents weren't as negative as I thought they would be. I think its something I have been talking about for years now that I think they knew it was coming. It also helps that we really feel like God is telling us to do this and once you play the God card, it generally keeps people quiet.
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Old 08-30-2012, 06:03 PM   #10
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I've had not very good experiences with most people close to me. Strangers are either happy and tell me I'm doing a wonderful thing or say I'm just doing it for the money which is ridiculous. many negative comment I get are racist in nature so you just have to consider the source. Those people are a holes to begin with so there's no use trying to reason with them. unfortunately that means that a lot of the time I can't really vent to anyone in my real life. I'm very fortunate to know people that do foster and they're great support. if you do continue with this plan I suggest strongly that you contact some kind of Foster Parent Association.
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