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Old 03-02-2012, 03:35 PM   #1
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It seems i'm a horrible person

My college roommate, that I love even though we are separated by 3000 miles including an ocean, just gave birth to twins. Now I'm a crying mess. I am happy for her, but also kind of hate her. She gets to have two beautiful, squishy babies and I get to have lots of fertility drugs followed by a miscarriage. I hate myself for being such a self-centered basket case.

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Old 03-02-2012, 03:46 PM   #2
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

I don't think you're horrible at all - I think that is totally and completely normal. When I lost DS1 I completely felt negative toward ANYONE that had a baby when I had lost mine, especially towards anyone that had a baby when I was supposed to have DS1. Also, I helped with an adoption for a lady that had gone through menopause at 20 and she had 5 sisters and she told me that when her sisters called with the "I'm pregnant" news then she would say Congratulations and then get off and cry - and those were her sisters!
You're not being self-centered at all, you're just sad at what life has given you and there is nothing wrong with that. Sending hugs and blessings :-)
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Old 03-02-2012, 04:29 PM   #3
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

I hear ya - oh do I ever. My DD is just a couple months younger than yours, and I've had 2 losses (1 a chemical) over the last year.

You are NOT horrible. Those feelings are normal. My SIL (who herself had 2 losses last year) is 15 weeks pregnant, and while I'm happy for her, I'm also really jealous. I sobbed for the whole day after they announced. Not that I am not excited and happy for her - I'm just sad for myself, and I want it so badly.
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Old 03-02-2012, 04:52 PM   #4
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

Be gentle with yourself. If you're horrible, then I think every woman on this section of the board must be as well... so you're in good company. One of my close friends had a son the month that DD1 was due, and I'm sooo grateful that she lives on the other side of the country so I never have to see him.

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Old 04-02-2012, 01:42 PM   #5
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

I used to work in the medical field when I was doing fertility with my 1st and I used to see tons of teenage girls who had no idea what a blessing they were given mistreating their babies or their own bodies when they were prego. It used to make me angry but you just have to keep faith. I did fertility for 5 years before my 1st baby and did fertility for my first 3 babies and then got surprised by 2 more blessings even after I stopped fertility so it will happen. Now everyone thinks I'm crazy cause I had so many kids. So if I can go from no kids to 5 in less then 9 years- anything is possible (:
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Old 04-02-2012, 01:50 PM   #6
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

You are not at all a bad person mama. Many things trigger us for different reasons based on our past and personal experiences.

I am sorry that this is causing you pain. hugs.
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Old 04-02-2012, 07:47 PM   #7
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

I think it's completely normal to feel that way. After I lost baby Sterling, I am such a bitter person when someone announces a pregnancy I am happy for them, but I can't stop the deep sadness I feel for myself. Chin up! Your turn is here!
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:36 PM   #8
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

I think that's normal
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Old 04-03-2012, 12:39 PM   #9
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

You are not horrible at all! I can not imagine the pain you have dealt with and still feel over your struggles. It really has nothing you do with your friend, and obviously you love her and are happy for her. You just hurt for yourself, and that's undestandable and completely normal! I'm so sorry mama, I wish I had words to help, but I know nothing I can say will make it better. Many prayers and thoughts for you.
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:54 PM   #10
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Re: It seems i'm a horrible person

Quote:
Originally Posted by Edensmomma View Post
I think it's completely normal to feel that way. After I lost baby Sterling, I am such a bitter person when someone announces a pregnancy I am happy for them, but I can't stop the deep sadness I feel for myself. Chin up! Your turn is here!
Absolutely agree with this. After my most recent loss, I just can't even look at anything close to squishy....
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