Need to vent about my mother.

[KendallMarie]

To say I’m really frustrated with her at the moment doesn’t really cover it.

I know how I’ve gone about becoming a Mom isn’t exactly the norm. And I get that she would have preferred if I found Mr. Right and went about it the traditional way. Really so would have I… but it just wasn’t happening and I wasn’t getting any younger.

But I cannot cope with her current behavior towards my pregnancy. Up until now she’s been cautiously supportive… and curious. But now that I’m passed 12 weeks and ready to start telling people… she’s acting like I’m an unwed teenage mother and it’s the 50’s. She’s pretty much flat out refused to tell any of the extended family. Now I know a lot of people will say… well it’s your news you should tell. But in our family news travels by the “kids” (the youngest is married and 27) telling our mothers the exciting news what ever it is… then the mother tells her sisters and sisters tell their kids etc until everyone knows. So by refusing to do this she’s effectively showing everyone she disapproves. (ok so I don’t think she actually sees it this way I think she’s really just afraid of everyone’s reaction but it’s still the message she’s sending)

I’m not 16. I’m 33. It’s 2012. I’m independent, educated, own my home, have a great job and make an awesome living at it. I didn’t get myself knocked up I made a conscious choice that I wanted to be a parent and went through a Fertility Clinic. There is nothing to be ashamed of here and it really hurts me that she’s acting like there is.

[canadianbakers]

I'm sorry she's being so strange about it. It does sound like suddenly she's being "old days" minded. Boo.
Not sure how to go around things to let everyone know - maybe just wait until a family gathering and then everyone will see/know? When they ask why they haven't heard, turn it around on her - mom knew, I don't know why she didn't tell everyone.

[dagmomma]

I am so sorry. Dh and I chose to start trying and got pregnant before we got married. We did not think twice about it. I now my mom was a little apprehensive and it was like once we got married as I was pregnant everything was ok. I was 29. Mind it my mother got pregnant before she was married, not planned, and she was 17.

I can not even tell you though how many times she told me when I was 24-26 that "when I was your age I ahd 3 children by now." My response always was--"umm ok so who was the idiot." I did not feel she was an idiot but she was trying to make me feel as if I did not have my life together bc I was not married or had children--Oh I had a teaching job, coached, and had my own place--but I guess that did not matter.

My point--Moms have these expectations of us that I am not sure where they come from. They want the perfect life for us but they do not realize that our perfect life is not the same as what there idea of a perfect life is.

Every pregnancy I have had there has always been some reason why my mom was not so excited about it. First baby-not married yet. Second-Dh decided to change careers so he could be a better father and all of my mothers fears went on us. Third--We were going to move again 4th I am crazy to have another baby.

I don't really listen to my mother anyway lol

[KendallMarie]

Originally Posted by canadianbakers I'm sorry she's being so strange about it. It does sound like suddenly she's being "old days" minded. Boo. Not sure how to go around things to let everyone know - maybe just wait until a family gathering and then everyone will see/know? When they ask why they haven't heard, turn it around on her - mom knew, I don't know why she didn't tell everyone.

Well we have family dinner this weekend for Thanksgiving... but I'm completely at a loss what to do. I'm not showing at all yet so it won't be obvious... and there won't be another fmaily dinner until Christmas which 1. Is probably getting a bit late as i'll be nearly 6 months. and 2. I may not even be there since my father and i are hoping to be at the cabin.

As for this weekend... I didn't really want to annouce in a big family gathering. People don't always have the best imediate reaciton... so i really would have rather they'd had a heads up and a little time to get their filters on. Time to consider what are inappropriate questions etc (seriously i do not want to be discussing the mechanics of an IUI over turkey dinner.)

I also don't want to annouce and have my mother doing her tight lipped disapproving thing in the corner as it would just further communicates disapproval. Lets face it the family is going to take their cues on how to treat me from my imeadiate family.

I know she is worried about how people will react... but she's not seeing that see can really affect how they react with her own behavior. She's made a few comments about maybe the family will disown you... which seriously if you know my family you'd know is just the silliest statement ever. In fact one aunt already has a Single Mom by Choice niece on her husbands side and they absolutly dote on that great niece. And to be perfectly honest I don't think it'll be a paticular shock to anyone in the family... we're all a little odd. I worked in child care for years everyone knows i love kids and want my own.

I really don't know what to do now... I mean if i annouce now... 12 weeks it looks like I wanted to do the annoucing which is better then it coming out later like it was bieng hidden. But if she's acitng disapproving well kinda undermines the whole thing.

[4dramamama]

Originally Posted by KendallMarie Well we have family dinner this weekend for Thanksgiving... but I'm completely at a loss what to do. I'm not showing at all yet so it won't be obvious... and there won't be another fmaily dinner until Christmas which 1. Is probably getting a bit late as i'll be nearly 6 months. and 2. I may not even be there since my father and i are hoping to be at the cabin. As for this weekend... I didn't really want to annouce in a big family gathering. People don't always have the best imediate reaciton... so i really would have rather they'd had a heads up and a little time to get their filters on. Time to consider what are inappropriate questions etc (seriously i do not want to be discussing the mechanics of an IUI over turkey dinner.) I also don't want to annouce and have my mother doing her tight lipped disapproving thing in the corner as it would just further communicates disapproval. Lets face it the family is going to take their cues on how to treat me from my imeadiate family. I know she is worried about how people will react... but she's not seeing that see can really affect how they react with her own behavior. She's made a few comments about maybe the family will disown you... which seriously if you know my family you'd know is just the silliest statement ever. In fact one aunt already has a Single Mom by Choice niece on her husbands side and they absolutly dote on that great niece. And to be perfectly honest I don't think it'll be a paticular shock to anyone in the family... we're all a little odd. I worked in child care for years everyone knows i love kids and want my own. I really don't know what to do now... I mean if i annouce now... 12 weeks it looks like I wanted to do the annoucing which is better then it coming out later like it was bieng hidden. But if she's acitng disapproving well kinda undermines the whole thing.

I'm sorry your mom is not enjoying her grandchild yet. I know it's hard to do things differently and be seen as an outcast/weirdo for doing what's right for your family. Blessings on you and your precious child. I am praying for you and your mother.

[canadianbakers]

Originally Posted by dagmomma My point--Moms have these expectations of us that I am not sure where they come from. They want the perfect life for us but they do not realize that our perfect life is not the same as what there idea of a perfect life is. Every pregnancy I have had there has always been some reason why my mom was not so excited about it. First baby-not married yet. Second-Dh decided to change careers so he could be a better father and all of my mothers fears went on us. Third--We were going to move again 4th I am crazy to have another baby. I don't really listen to my mother anyway lol

Some mothers are like that - mine. Some are not like that at all and wonderful - MIL. I strive to be like her!

My parents have disapproved of every one of our pregnancies (and those are just the ones they know of, they know nothing of our m/c's). Lots of rude and gross comments, my mother even was wishing for our first baby (DD) to be miscarried. Disgusting.
They have disliked darn near every decision I/we have made, though, so I've just gotten used to it and choose to live our life and make our choices. They can either shut up and be with us, or stay away.

Originally Posted by KendallMarie I really don't know what to do now... I mean if i annouce now... 12 weeks it looks like I wanted to do the annoucing which is better then it coming out later like it was bieng hidden. But if she's acitng disapproving well kinda undermines the whole thing.

Hmm... it's a tough situation for sure. and good luck with whatever you decide.

[babyWmom]

It is sometimes so hard to rise above a situation. I am sure you need your Mother's support and it is so frustration and hurtful not to have it. I am sure you just want to yell "Really, really, Mom. Way to be there for me and show your love."

A totally different situation, but my sister's 2-year-old was not born in the "perfect" situation. (His dad was married at the time and while accepts him as his child, still hasn't told his parents he even has a child. Great guy, right.) my son is just 6 weeks younger, so we were pregnant at the same time, but I was married. It was hard for my mom to show complete support during the pregnancy, BUT as soon as Jakob got here, she is the wonderful grandma we all know her to be.

It might just take your mom a little time. Maybe just give her a chance.

I'd tell everyone this weekend and maybe if they wonder why your mom didn't say anything, say that you wanted to share the news at Thanksgiving when everyone would be together so your mom promised not to tell. That way you can give your mom a little more time to become supportive and you still get to let everyone know that you are pregnant.

But be prepared for reactions. Anything out of the norm seems to get reactions. When we got pregnant with our second child so quickly we had a few mixed reactions. Most thinking we were crazy. Oh well. We were happy and it was all that mattered.

Good luck and keep strong.

[mibarra]

Ugh, didn't read all the response but I feel your pain. Maybe tell her that you're very disappointed that she's not excited about your baby, sad she's ashamed of you, but YOU are very excited, and will happily share the news with your family. Maybe that will wake her up to how she's behaving.

[KendallMarie]

Blah... now my mom wants to "talk" tonight. Either we're going to end up having out or she'll actually tell me she doens't want me to annouce at Thanksgiving.

I suspect my sister or my father of telling her I'm upset with her... though sometimes with more time to think she comes to odd conclusions... like i don't want you to annouce... on her own.

I'm not even really angry I guess... just really disapointed.

Aside from this mess she still seems to think i have no idea what i'm getting in to and even went so far at one point to say... you know you can't give the baby back right. Gee no mom... i thought if it was tough I'd just call the stork up to take it away. And this from the woman who had 7 sleepers when i was born because she figured 1 a day was enough. I'm sure i do ahve some unrealisitic ideas about it all... but really what first time parent doesn't.

[MrsCrafty]

I'm sorry she's acting that way, hopefully she wants to apologize.
My pregnancy was not 'ideal' for my family either, we were planning on getting Married March 2nd, so we moved it up to Dec 29th so hopefully I can wear the dress I already purchased and just be more comfortable. I know some people think their opinion is important to share but I ignore them. Once the baby is here most people forget all of that.