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Old 10-21-2012, 10:24 AM   #1
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We just can't do it :(

Well we have continued the process for becoming licensed for foster care and we are currently done with the first two classes. (one non mandatory left) We have come to realize we just can't do it. It makes me sad but they are really focusing on foster parents helping bio parents. Talking with them, meeting with them, even guiding them on the path of being better parents. I just can't do that. I don't really think the concept is right or wrong I just know its not for me. Its hard for me to let go of that part of this dream to help children but I have to know myself and what I can handle. This is too much for me. I just don't have the empathy I would need to have to help the bio parents. After the death of my children I just can't "be there" for parents who take that gift for granted.

I really thought the help for parents came from other people in the system not so much from the foster parents. It seems from what our instructor said this is a somewhat new and continuing process.

We are still looking into adoption though and our instructor said to finish out the classes and possibly even the licensing for foster care as it will open more doors for us. I have to call him next week and get more info but he is involved in an infant adoption program that cost 7,000 up front and 3,000 at some later point. They also have payment plans. This sounds like it may be a good option for us so we will just continue wherever this leads us.

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Old 10-21-2012, 11:34 AM   #2
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im sorry. I can completely understand why you would have t those feelings after losses, I struggle with them and I've never lost a child. My last placement was a healthy, normal newborn born to.a mother who had done everything wrong a pregnant mother can do. My bio baby has special needs and I did everything right! I have a LOT of anger about those situations. I was pissed. My current placement has opened my eyes and my outlook on this family is completely different. I'm thank because I would not be able to continue if I can't work through this anger.

Now I will say this...our trainings are the same, pro bio, lots of focus on teaching how to parent approriately, always with a goal of RU. They will tell you that if you ask them. In practice I have found that the agency as well as the social workers that I have dealt with are are very no nonsense with bios. In all of our (2 lol) cases I have felt that the SW we're leary of bios and not that they are "on our side" at all but definitely on the side of the safety of the kids and just not what I expected to encounter from what we were told in training. True life is often very different from the ideals discussed in training ime anyway.


That being said, none of it is easy. Every family chooses which kind of hard is the least painful for them. I hope this next step is less painful for you.
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:10 PM   #3
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Re: We just can't do it :(

Yeah, it is hard. If I knew initially how much contact I'd have with bios, I may not have continued. That said, I have yet to meet my current placement's mom but it's a bit of a scary situation so that within itself is unsettling. I think one of the hardest parts with bios is the doctor appointments. So awkward stepping back and letting them do everything there yet you're the one mainly taking care of the baby. And then the awkwardness of being at the appointment alone with them. That doesn't always happen, but if they feel the bparents aren't a threat, they do it that way. I don't know if I could do it if I had losses. I know I couldn't foster if I didn't already have kids. I couldn't handle that loss over and over again (we're on our fifth placement and have had an adoption goal from day one). Good for you for recognizing it now rather than after a placement. I wish I could say it was easier than the training says, but everyone I know says the emotional side of it was way harder than they ever expected.
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Old 10-22-2012, 12:38 AM   #4
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It's awesome I came across this discussion bc my brother and is wife have a 10 year old son and about 4 years ago they felt lead to be foster parents so they took classes and got a sweet little boy named keion. I feel in love instantly! However it's been this on going struggle of him being passed back and forth to his "hopeless" mother who is a drug addict and a prostitute. When his mom had gotten out of jail keion was her meal ticket so she got a one bed apartment in the worst part of the city and mind you he had no car, would get visits with him. He was only 2-3 and hated it. She would smoke in the apartment, leave him in wet diapers, and fed him nothing but fast food. He became very angry and hated vein with her. The thing that made me so angry towards the system is that this girl was only 2 years older than me and yet I took more care of her son. I was 22 at the time and his mom's caseworker was someone I had gone to school with who was fresh out of college and on a mission to RU. It was so obvious she was using the system to benefit her and she was in no way ready to raise this sweet impressionable child. However it turned Into her getting more visits with him that also became overnight visits and she started takin advantage of my brother and sister in law. She also would just decide for a couple weeks not to see him and all of a sudden she wanted him out o the blue. It was seriously ridiculous bc keion hated her and this was affecting him greatly. Anyway to get to the point 3 1/2 years later) she left him with some crackhead, called my brother said to come pick him up in the projects she was on the run and was high herself. She is now in jail, but it was like they were catering to her more than the needs of keion and it was so sickening to see how much they were just statistics. Anyway, this has been a long struggle and Tuesday at 1:00pm he is finally becoming a legal member of our family!!! They're adopting him! Praise God!
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Old 10-22-2012, 02:15 AM   #5
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Re: We just can't do it :(

You're not alone--we can't do it either. I truly don't understand the super-pro-RU people. I mean, I get that it's a good goal to have, but some bio parents are just a hot mess and the odds they'll get it together are low, plus it's really not fair to the kid to be in limbo for a long time while waiting to see if they will.
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:48 AM   #6
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Re: We just can't do it :(

Im so sorry. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to continue in this as well. We have our first placement right now and I actually like the bios but I feel like the system treats the bios as king and we, the foster parents, are the criminals. I thought abusing a child was a crime, but we have to have utter respect for the bios but our own lives are free for them to know about as they do want us to have contact with the bios. I think it would be easier if they would let us in to more of what was happening. They want us to be helpful but then because of privacy, we can't get info. Honestly, it kind of frustrates me even as a taxpayer. I'm all about RU. I really am. But I also don't think its fair to have all the protections for the bios and the foster parents get nothing, at least that is what it feels like. I keep pressing on because I just try to remember that I will take the punches if that means I can help a child be safe.
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:58 AM   #7
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We can't do it anymore either. We have had 9 kids come through our home in 10 months. One was a failed adoption because the agency wasn't truthful with us about some very disturbing behaviors, we had two newborns, twins we had for police protective custody, and several respites.

After all of that, we have decided to close our home for now. We have 3 small kids and a baby due in December. The emotional stuff is way too hard with small children of your own. With one of our foster newborns, it looked like it would go to adoption to us and after two months they found a family that was such a stretch to consider kin but we lost him. I don't feel like I can bond and lose them over and over again, at least at this point in our lives.

It was a good experience overall. It taught us a lot about a system we had no clue about and taught us what we can handle and what we can't. I agree with others when they say that foster parents are treated the worst out of everyone involved. We are the last to know anything and our feelings are rarely considered. It's sad when we are the ones taking care of the child.
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:22 AM   #8
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Re: We just can't do it :(

The part of it not being a criminal offense to abuse a child REALLY bothers me. As much as I did feel for the parents of my heroin addicted baby, it made me mad they could do that and then be catered to on the tax payer's dime. I don't want to even get into my current baby's situation, but I feel like screaming to the rest of the world. They would die if they knew their tax dollars were going to catering to this bmom with the stuff in her past. She should be on prison right now and not getting picked up for twice weekly 2 hour visits with a baby she'll never (Lord help us if she did) get and now they're trying to find housing for her. All because she had a baby (yet again). No wonder she keeps having them. This attention is fun and gives her something to do.

Off my soap box... I'm not anti reunification. There are some cases where it ended well (mine haven't exactly ended "well") but the system is so broken. Cases are dragged out way too long.
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:57 AM   #9
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I completely understand! I hated that part with DS! We had to be present at his visits due to his special needs and I just wanted to smack his bios. We are not renewing our license.

Doctor appointments and therapy were the worst. When DS was hospitalized, our caseworker gave them the right to come and go as they pleased. It was awful. I was afraid to take a shower because they would show up. They were both on supervised visitation and DS's dad was a child molester. Eventually, I got social work at the hospital to limit his visitation when DCS wouldn't.

We will never foster again.
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:21 AM   #10
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Re: We just can't do it :(

Hugs. Tax credit to adopt. U might wa.t to look into. I know international as well. Im adopted & either international or national I am a supporter. I know couples that fundraise to help cos of adoption as well. Holtintl.org if you look internationally (I'm adopted through there).
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