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Old 10-06-2012, 08:42 PM   #41
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

i dont think omitting is lying. information is given out on a need to know basis. i dont go around telling everyone when it's my time of the month. im not lying to them, it's just not something they need to know.

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Old 10-06-2012, 09:03 PM   #42
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

I do think it is possible to parent without lying *intentionally.* You may unintentionally lie by saying "we're going to the zoo tomorrow" and then it's raining cats and dogs. I try to even aviod that by saying "we will probably go to the zoo tomorrow." I do try my very best to parent without lying at all. I don't want people to lie to me, and I don't want to lie to my children. It's a respect issue to me.
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Old 10-06-2012, 09:51 PM   #43
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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Originally Posted by Geckmumto3 View Post
Recently a young girl was snatched while walking home from school. A lady and her boyfriend hurt her terribly and killed her in horrific circumstances. The missing child case, the discovery and the trial were all over the news for a long time. Again, I protected my children from it, and I gave answers as I saw fit. One day, DD and I were alone in the car and the news report gave an update on a filed appeal regarding the case. She asked me about it, and I recapped what we had spoken about already. She asked me more. I answered her, within certain parameters. She asked me, "HOW did they hurt the little girl, Mummy? What did they do to her?" We talked about bad touch, again, etc... and I talked about how they hurt her so much that she died. "But HOW? What exactly did they do to her?" No, I am sorry, I am not telling my then 8 yo that someone could hurt a little girl like that so I lied. I said I was not sure exactly what they did to her. Not just omission, outright lie, because she does not need to KNOW the intimate details.
DD, age 8 also, and I recently had almost the identical conversation about the same little girl. My dd got a similar answer.

I omit information all the time. Sex and death frankly are easy topics. I have a harder time with homelessness, poverty, why daddy is 'forgetful' about everything (there is a reason and it's not one I'm yet ready to tell her).

And I outright lie about Santa. No guilt at all about that one.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:36 PM   #44
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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i dont think omitting is lying. information is given out on a need to know basis. i dont go around telling everyone when it's my time of the month. im not lying to them, it's just not something they need to know.
I don't think we are talking about randomly announcing personal details, as entertaining as that would be. Answering a direct question honestly is determined by who's asking it IMO. In that circumstance, if my doctor/girl friend/sister/mom/husband etc. asked me if I was on my period, I would be completely comfortable sharing the truth. Some random stranger or co-worker asking? I would say, "Wow, personal, why do you need to know this...?"

I know answering questions about life are going to be far more real and honest when I'm talking to my 18 yr old son, than when I am talking to my 5 yr old son. Fact of life, I'm not going to give an 18 yr old the sex = puzzle pieces , but I'm perfectly willing to use it for my 5 yr old, even though I feel it is slightly misleading, because in 3 yrs I'm going to be giving him a very real and honest sex talk.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:42 PM   #45
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

I don't believe with holding the FULL information on a topic is lying to a child. Lying is when they ask you a question and you specifically tell them a non-truth.

BTW, for my own family, I consider Santa and Easter bunny a lie. I know many people do not see it that way but for us, we choose to not celebrate those holidays in that way because I believe I would have to lie to get the children to believe fully that those characters are real.

I believe telling my children the truth is important but protecting them is also important. I always remember that story from Ann Frank's dad....sometimes the "luggage" is too heavy to carry so mommy and daddy will carry it for you until you are strong enough.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:45 PM   #46
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

Geckmumto3, you didn't lie to her. You don't know EXACTLY what happened to her. You weren't there. kwim? In that case, I would tell my daughter that I didn't know exactly what happened but it was something very, very sad and that we should pray for her family. You protected your daughter...you didn't lie to her. She asked you "what happened" so in that case it is okay to say I'm not exactly sure.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:47 PM   #47
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

If you told your kids you were going to the zoo and then it rained... you DID tell them what you thought was the truth at the time. So that is not a lie. That is not being able to keep an activity planned like you thought you would. You didn't tell them "I'll take you to the zoo" and have absolutely no intention of doing so.
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Old 10-06-2012, 11:59 PM   #48
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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I don't believe in lying and I try not to lie to my kids or mislead them. (Nor do I purposely lie or mislead anyone else.) I give them information about what they ask on an age appropriate level. I do not purposely mislead them, but I may not give all the details either. I don't believe that not giving all details is lying unless you are doing it to purposely mislead someone. With my children, my purpose is to give age appropriate answers that are true but not mislead or deceive and definitely not outright lie.
This, exactly!
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:35 AM   #49
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Re: Is it possible to parent your children without lying to them? Do you try?

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Right. Or you can flat out say "I'm just not going to talk about this right now." I honestly can't think of a topic that I don't feel like I can discuss with my kids... but when something comes up that I cant think of how to address it at the time I'll tell them that I don't want to talk about it now but I will later



I don't know if I agree with that. You can give enough truthful information to satisfy the curiosity without telling them everything you know on the topic.
For the "I am not going to talk about this right now" not only would dd not take that as an answer (I always answer her questions and if I don't know the answer I say I don't know)I would give that as an answer. She has an insane memory and it will come back up over and over again until she is satisfied.

And the other- Not my dd either. She wants to know everything right then and she always has. But in general we nice up (or withhold some details) and tell her everything she wants to know- which is everything.

I am not sure what we do is lying but I do feel withholding info is not honest. Even with Santa and such we play it out but we never answer yes or no to is he real questions- we ask dd what she thinks. Same for unicorns and mermaids. We do give her history on those things. But even by not saying yes or no to existence we are lying by omission. We are letting her believe in something (and in some cases supporting the lie) that we know isn't real because it makes her happy.
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Old 10-07-2012, 05:31 AM   #50
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Everyone seems to be defining lying in different ways. I think lying is purposefully giving false information. Withholding information is a gray area. Most of the time it isn't lying but there are certainly situations where it is. I try very hard not to lie to my children. We do do Santa etc and I realize that is a form of lying, but other than that I tell them as much of the truth as age appropriate and if the information is to old for them, I say so. I never lie just to get them to do something and it drives me nuts when parents do!
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