Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-08-2012, 09:08 AM   #31
LKB
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 9
Re: Do you ever question your spouse/partner?

Oh, I don't look forward to dealing with the big differences in opinion. Right now (the baby is 8 months) we're doing pretty well, but mainly because I do most of the caretaking. When I do disagree with him on things (the baby, dogs, etc.) I have found that, at least with my husband, the best tactic is not to call him out head-on, but to try to compliment somehow in the process (e.g., "thank you for handling that--I didn't want to. But, I'm curious why you chose this, because my response would have been..."). I know it's a bit passive-aggressive, and it doesn't always work, but a lot of times it's the way that I begin that colors the rest of the conversation and how defensive/aggresive he is.

Advertisement

LKB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2012, 09:12 AM   #32
Kiliki's Avatar
Kiliki
Registered Users
Formerly: kr***y
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 9,397
Re: Do you ever question your spouse/partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychomom View Post
All the damn time! lol

He usually ends up agreeing with me. His negative reactions to the kids are usually because he's cranky, tired, etc. Then he realizes that he's made a mountain out of a molehill and will apologize to the kids. He did it just this morning. Same with me.
yup. this is us.

And he keeps me in check as well.

Neither of us is perfect at parenting and we help each other through the tough moments.

Also, if I see he's getting really flustered and things are escalating when they shouldn't be, or I notice he's handling something really badly, I'll try gently to step in and help (or take over) but I always try to do it in such a way that I am not bull-dozing over him.

And, I make a point to tell him when I think he handled something really well, too. So that it doesn't seem like every time I mention his parenting, it's something negative.
Kiliki is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2012, 09:59 AM   #33
leyash's Avatar
leyash
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 4,913
Re: Do you ever question your spouse/partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabritt View Post
How does he react to being criticized?
As long as I don't do it in front of the kids (I won't lie, sometimes I jump the gun), he's fine with it. We talk it out, determine what's fair, and go from there.
leyash is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2012, 11:05 AM   #34
sisu
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 7,367
Re: Do you ever question your spouse/partner?

I do, gently. Before DS was born, we had multiple lengthy discussions about our 'parenting goals' (lol) and we both feel really strongly that we'd like to parent differently than we were raised.

Sometimes he doesn't quite get what's developmentally appropriate for our kids, though, or he gets frustrated and snaps. We talk it over later (never in front of the kids) and I try to give him tips for dealing with situation more constructively. He doesn't think it's condescending, he asks for help. He also helps keep me in check, we're a pretty good team.
sisu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2012, 11:25 AM   #35
Liadan23
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,713
Re: Do you ever question your spouse/partner?

all the time. i try really hard not to do it in front of ds, but sometimes it happens. dh never takes it well, whether i do it at the moment or wait until later. my issue is that i think he's really inconsistent. he'll just ignore ds doing something completely wrong, or allow ridiculous behavior, and then all of a sudden decide it's not ok and fly off the handle. and then his "discipline" is just geared towards ramping up the situation instead of diffusing it. ie, he'll just start screaming at ds to stop whatever and then make stupid threats that he can't/won't follow up on. like "grandma is NOT coming over if you don't put your plate on the counter". um grandma is on her way already. i'm sure not going to be the one to call and tell her to turn around and go home because a 3 yr old refused to put his plate on the counter the first time he was asked. come up with a better threat that actually can be reasonably backed up. or he'll just yell "do you want to go in timeout?! do you?" repeatedly. but never actually does it. wth is the point of threatening if you're not going to do it? and how long do i have to listen to the back and forth before you just DO something?! i usually end up getting up and putting ds, who is now in a full blown tantrum when he started out just a little obstinate, in timeout. i feel like he just tries to bulldoze over him instead of working to correct the behavior you know? tell him to do something, give him one more chance warning (calmly!) that he will go in timeout if he doesn't. then just PUT him there and be done with it. sheesh. he almost always comes out of timeout and immediately does whatever you told him to do. he's a high spirited kid who knows how to push buttons, no doubt. but there is a way of dealing with him that works, and frankly timeout is not that unusual or creative of a punishment. we're lucky it's so effective. you just have to be willing to adapt a little bit.

i'm not perfect either, i know that. and i've made plenty of mistakes with ds. dh doesn't critisize me, mostly cause he thinks it's silly to discuss parenting "strategy" and so gets defensive when i bring it up, and would never bring it up himself cause when it's not happening, he isn't thinking about it. it's really annoying to me.

Last edited by Liadan23; 10-08-2012 at 11:27 AM.
Liadan23 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2012, 02:49 PM   #36
mcpforever's Avatar
mcpforever
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Bama
Posts: 11,738
My Mood:
Re: Do you ever question your spouse/partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady View Post
Of course! He's not perfect, and neither am I and we are partners in parenting and part of that includes helping each other improve our parenting. It's not about criticizing or insulting or not backing him up, it's about genuine questioning and understanding and so on.

It's no different than when you are at work and working with a group of people on a project and you have meetings to discuss ideas and put forth some ideas and decide not to pursue others. Same thing.
This. Right here. We recognize that we aren't attacking each other and that we are working towards the same goal.
__________________
Melissa-Wife, mother to DS 4/02 and DD 4/07, DS 7/08 DD 7/13
ISO: my lost shaker of salt
mcpforever is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2012, 09:41 AM   #37
GodLover's Avatar
GodLover
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 635
Re: Do you ever question your spouse/partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabritt View Post
Not as in, did I marry the right person.

As in, your spouse handles a situation with the kids and you strongly disagree with how it went down. Do you question it?

We all know not to do it in front of the kids (you know, the 'show a united front' thing...) but what about afterward behind a closed door? Is it okay to do? How do they react? If you think it's not okay, how do you handle your feelings?

Not every disagreement is worth discussing IMO. But there are times when I feel something went too far and speak up (privately). Dh does NOT like it and typically gets mad and defensive and feels I'm treating him as less than their other parent. I don't see it this way and I genuinely try to make sure I'm not being aggressive or coming off as judgmental.
Sometimes but it depends on teh child and the situation. I think it 'normal' in parenting to question their reasoning every now and again. Typically DH and I are on the same page but there have been days when that is not the case.
GodLover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2012, 02:26 PM   #38
shen7
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,507
My Mood:
Quote:
Originally Posted by happysmileylady
Of course! He's not perfect, and neither am I and we are partners in parenting and part of that includes helping each other improve our parenting. It's not about criticizing or insulting or not backing him up, it's about genuine questioning and understanding and so on.

It's no different than when you are at work and working with a group of people on a project and you have meetings to discuss ideas and put forth some ideas and decide not to pursue others. Same thing.
Yes, same.

However I am sort of the senior level guy - since I do it all day and read the parenting books and think about it more. So I tend to have the more thought-out perspective. I definitely approach it as a discussion though. And I try to share a distilled version of what I am currently learning and thinking about as it comes, so I'm not springing anything on him in the moment. We talk about the future a lot too and how we want to do things when she is older.

I really respect my DH as a dad and allow for us to have differences. He cares about things like table manners more than I do, and that's okay. I don't sweat the small stuff.
__________________
Mommy to my girl M (b. June 2011) and baby boy G (b. July 2013)
shen7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-09-2012, 02:33 PM   #39
keen1981's Avatar
keen1981
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 12,360
I'm the primary care giver. My DH follows my lead. I may parent alone, for a year, or whatever. He rarely ever argues with me. If he did I know it would not be in front of kids and we'd discuss it. I'm no saint in patenting, so his opinions matter!
__________________
BFing, CDing, all natural mama to three boys! Certified lactation Counselor
keen1981 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.