Diaper Swappers

s@hmommy · 09-27-2012, 11:22 AM

UPDATE 10/10- I finally talked with DH last week and he took it a lot better than I thought. He went to the doctor and had a check up. Apparently his dermatologist changed one of his acne meds earlier this year and one of the side effects is..... depression! I am praying this is the answer. He has made an effort to be better about showering and maintaining his hygiene, this alone makes me very happy!

In the last 6 months DH has been putting on weight, like a lot of weight. He just doesn't think it is a big deal. I do though, I am completely un-attracted to him at this point. He doesn't bath daily like he use to (only every few days now) either, and he is not a person that can get away with that. He won't shave or care for his facial hair and it just grosses me out. I just don't know what to do. I love him very much but his appearance and complete lack of caring is eating me alive. I take care of myself for him and honestly expect the same from him.

We just recently decided to ttc, but I don't really want to dtd with him in this state. I don't know a nice a way to tell him how I feel because I don't know the root cause of this drastic change (simple laziness or something else). His family has a serious history of obesity (lifestyle choices imo) and I just don't want him to end up their either. I married a healthy, fit man and I thought he would at least attempt to maintain himself because that is a pretty important part of our relationship.

I just don't know what to do/say. I feel mean and selfish but at the same time I think he would feel the same if I let myself go completely too. Anyone btdt have suggestions on how to handle this? I don't want to be cruel to him but it is having a major impact on our marriage and I just don't know if he realizes it yet or not.

babycat42 · 09-27-2012, 11:24 AM

Could he be depressed?

s@hmommy · 09-27-2012, 11:27 AM

i don't think he is depressed, but I could be wrong. Our life is finally on track and things have gotten pretty good for him lately at work, so I can't think of anything that would be bothering him. Other than the above, he really acts the same, is a very positive happy person.

KelseyH · 09-27-2012, 11:28 AM

Is he depressed? That sounds like what it could be to me. If you approached him from that angle, "is anything wrong", "are you feeling okay", etc., it wouldn't be as offensive (I would imagine) as "you're getting fat and I don't want to dtd with you." kwim?

What kind of work does he do? My DH is an EMT/firefighter and he gets depressed every once in a while if something happens at work. He lost a 15 yo boy a few months ago after doing CPR and he was depressed for a while. Luckily he is pretty open with me, so I don't often have to ask or pry to see if something is bothering him.

That's where I would start at least, and if he asks why you're asking, I would be honest and say it seems like you're depressed because you've been letting your fitness etc. slip a bit.

KelseyH · 09-27-2012, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by s@hmommy

i don't think he is depressed, but I could be wrong. Our life is finally on track and things have gotten pretty good for him lately at work, so I can't think of anything that would be bothering him. Other than the above, he really acts the same, is a very positive happy person.

Oops, I guess we were typing at the same time! I don't know what to tell you if he seems normal. :/ I would just bring it up as gently as possible, or maybe suggest doing some light fitness, like jogging or riding bikes, together and see what he says.

JeDeeLenae · 09-27-2012, 11:31 AM

Just be honest without bring mean. "I'm concerned about your weight gain and change in hygiene. What's going on?"

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum

s@hmommy · 09-27-2012, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KelseyH

Is he depressed? That sounds like what it could be to me. If you approached him from that angle, "is anything wrong", "are you feeling okay", etc., it wouldn't be as offensive (I would imagine) as "you're getting fat and I don't want to dtd with you." kwim?

What kind of work does he do? My DH is an EMT/firefighter and he gets depressed every once in a while if something happens at work. He lost a 15 yo boy a few months ago after doing CPR and he was depressed for a while. Luckily he is pretty open with me, so I don't often have to ask or pry to see if something is bothering him.

That's where I would start at least, and if he asks why you're asking, I would be honest and say it seems like you're depressed because you've been letting your fitness etc. slip a bit.

He does IT stuff for a large company. He actually just got a small promotion that he has been pretty excited about. I have tried asking if anything is going on and he just says "no, why?" and I feel pretty bad mentioning his tremendous weight gain so I drop it pretty fast.

I have honestly thought depression was a possibility because it has always contributed to my moms ever changing weight. I just can't think of anything that he would be depressed about. kwim?

iwiamandaiwi · 09-27-2012, 11:37 AM

yea, it sounds like he is depressed. I would try to have a talk with him and ask him if he is feeling down. If he is then you can schedule an appt for him to speak with a professional. After he has been to a few appts I would be honest with him about how you are feeling. If he says that he is not depressed (which he may say that hes not even if he is) I would just get right into it and be perfectly honest with how you are feeling. I mean yes, you love him for him but that doesn't mean that he can just let himself go. It really sounds like he is depressed though, I mean why else would someone not care if they are fat and smelly? I don't know about everyone else but i thoroughly enjoy my showers. They are relaxing and it feels good to get clean. I would be mortified if I had any sort of foul smell. Thats what I think would be the normal human response and the fact that he doesn't care indicates there is definitely something wrong here. i hope that he is able to work out whatever is going on with him and that you can get your attraction back. I sort of know how you feel. Since we moved to this state my husband has been really bad about shaving anymore and grows this disgusting mountain man beard. I cannot express how unattractive it is to me. I have told him that I find it gross and unattractive and that has helped a little but he still gets lazy with it sometimes. when that happens I just make it a point not to get intimate with him to show him how unappealing i find him at the moment. i know it sounds mean but he doesn't really get hurt by it because I make it clear that it is the beard that is bothering me and i just can't get into the mood. He always shaves it completely off at that point, lol. And then all is well and no one is butt hurt about anything

JeDeeLenae · 09-27-2012, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by s@hmommy

He does IT stuff for a large company. He actually just got a small promotion that he has been pretty excited about. I have tried asking if anything is going on and he just says "no, why?" and I feel pretty bad mentioning his tremendous weight gain so I drop it pretty fast.

I have honestly thought depression was a possibility because it has always contributed to my moms ever changing weight. I just can't think of anything that he would be depressed about. kwim?

I would avoid asking IF something is going on and ask WHAT is going on. You know something's happened already.

Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum

iwiamandaiwi · 09-27-2012, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by s@hmommy

He does IT stuff for a large company. He actually just got a small promotion that he has been pretty excited about. I have tried asking if anything is going on and he just says "no, why?" and I feel pretty bad mentioning his tremendous weight gain so I drop it pretty fast.

I have honestly thought depression was a possibility because it has always contributed to my moms ever changing weight. I just can't think of anything that he would be depressed about. kwim?

well if you don't tell him how you are feeling then how is he supposed to know? I mean sure it is not really normal to not bath yourself but maybe he thinks there is nothing unusual about it for some reason. just be honest with him and see what his response is.

09-27-2012, 11:22 AM	#1
s@hmommy Registered Users Join Date: May 2011 Location: kentucky Posts: 1,791 Ratings: 22 Feedback: 100%	UPDATE :) I don't know what to do anymore UPDATE 10/10- I finally talked with DH last week and he took it a lot better than I thought. He went to the doctor and had a check up. Apparently his dermatologist changed one of his acne meds earlier this year and one of the side effects is..... depression! I am praying this is the answer. He has made an effort to be better about showering and maintaining his hygiene, this alone makes me very happy! In the last 6 months DH has been putting on weight, like a lot of weight. He just doesn't think it is a big deal. I do though, I am completely un-attracted to him at this point. He doesn't bath daily like he use to (only every few days now) either, and he is not a person that can get away with that. He won't shave or care for his facial hair and it just grosses me out. I just don't know what to do. I love him very much but his appearance and complete lack of caring is eating me alive. I take care of myself for him and honestly expect the same from him. We just recently decided to ttc, but I don't really want to dtd with him in this state. I don't know a nice a way to tell him how I feel because I don't know the root cause of this drastic change (simple laziness or something else). His family has a serious history of obesity (lifestyle choices imo) and I just don't want him to end up their either. I married a healthy, fit man and I thought he would at least attempt to maintain himself because that is a pretty important part of our relationship. I just don't know what to do/say. I feel mean and selfish but at the same time I think he would feel the same if I let myself go completely too. Anyone btdt have suggestions on how to handle this? I don't want to be cruel to him but it is having a major impact on our marriage and I just don't know if he realizes it yet or not. Last edited by s@hmommy; 10-10-2012 at 01:09 PM.

09-27-2012, 11:24 AM	#2
babycat42 Registered Users Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Tucson, Az Posts: 1,815 Ratings: 18 Feedback: 100%	Re: I don't know what to do anymore Could he be depressed? __________________ Wife to Andrew, Mother to Zoe(6), Luke(4), and Henry(2) http://lbdm.lilypie.com/8UxNm7.png

09-27-2012, 11:27 AM	#3
s@hmommy Registered Users Join Date: May 2011 Location: kentucky Posts: 1,791 Ratings: 22 Feedback: 100%	Re: I don't know what to do anymore i don't think he is depressed, but I could be wrong. Our life is finally on track and things have gotten pretty good for him lately at work, so I can't think of anything that would be bothering him. Other than the above, he really acts the same, is a very positive happy person.

09-27-2012, 11:31 AM	#6
JeDeeLenae Registered Users Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: SW Michigan Posts: 21,911 Ratings: 120 Feedback: 100% My Mood:	Just be honest without bring mean. "I'm concerned about your weight gain and change in hygiene. What's going on?" Sent from my iPhone using DS Forum __________________ ~Cassie~ Single Mom to Jordan 9/04 and Jaxon 6/06 and Kelli 10/08 and 1/11 and Jevin 12/11 Check out my gallery! PM me for YYMN and trades.

09-27-2012, 11:37 AM	#8
iwiamandaiwi Registered Users Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 1,218 Ratings: 1 Feedback: 100%	Re: I don't know what to do anymore yea, it sounds like he is depressed. I would try to have a talk with him and ask him if he is feeling down. If he is then you can schedule an appt for him to speak with a professional. After he has been to a few appts I would be honest with him about how you are feeling. If he says that he is not depressed (which he may say that hes not even if he is) I would just get right into it and be perfectly honest with how you are feeling. I mean yes, you love him for him but that doesn't mean that he can just let himself go. It really sounds like he is depressed though, I mean why else would someone not care if they are fat and smelly? I don't know about everyone else but i thoroughly enjoy my showers. They are relaxing and it feels good to get clean. I would be mortified if I had any sort of foul smell. Thats what I think would be the normal human response and the fact that he doesn't care indicates there is definitely something wrong here. i hope that he is able to work out whatever is going on with him and that you can get your attraction back. I sort of know how you feel. Since we moved to this state my husband has been really bad about shaving anymore and grows this disgusting mountain man beard. I cannot express how unattractive it is to me. I have told him that I find it gross and unattractive and that has helped a little but he still gets lazy with it sometimes. when that happens I just make it a point not to get intimate with him to show him how unappealing i find him at the moment. i know it sounds mean but he doesn't really get hurt by it because I make it clear that it is the beard that is bothering me and i just can't get into the mood. He always shaves it completely off at that point, lol. And then all is well and no one is butt hurt about anything __________________ Breastfeeding , Cloth Diapering, Babywearing Mommy, to Dylan Michael (September 2007) Aiden Edward (March 2011) and anxiously waiting for Katherine Sophia due in MAY!