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Old 10-10-2012, 04:41 PM   #61
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I totally had the whole postpartum anxiety thing going on with DD. I would let family hold her, but I was a nervous wreck the whole time. Not because I don't trust my family. Just because I was a hormonal, emotional wreck! I was able to recognize that I was not being rational and would let others hold her, but it took a very conscious effort to not snatch her back after a few minutes.

Most of my family was good about giving her back if she was getting upset. If she started crying i tried to coach in things that would soothe dd and give it a minute. If it didn't work most would give her to me no problem. MIL on the other hand, would let her cry for a very long time if I had let her. I had to physically remove a screaming dd from her multiple times. Sure, I know MIL raised two babies, but I just don't see any reason to let DD cry and get upset just for the sake of not hurting MIL feelings. MIL is a grown woman and can get over it.

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Old 10-10-2012, 04:54 PM   #62
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Re: Selfish with your baby

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Originally Posted by Aubrey<3Gavin View Post
Sure, I know MIL raised two babies, but I just don't see any reason to let DD cry and get upset just for the sake of not hurting MIL feelings. MIL is a grown woman and can get over it.
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:01 PM   #63
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Re: Selfish with your baby

I felt that in the beginning with both my kids, especially my second. I didn't want company, and I didn't like anyone holding them because even though it's a little irrational, I knew no one could care for them the same way that I can. Even little things like the way people positioned them would bug me. It didn't last forever, though.
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:03 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by Bhavana
But you have to understand that the family also wants to cuddle the newborn, even if its for just a few mins because for over 20h of the 24h...it'll be with mom (assuming in all the baby is held by others for 4h..which is likely a LOT lesser than that since the baby gets carted back to the mom the second it starts to whimper)

If babyhood is such a short time for you (it IS. AGREED) its even shorter for your family because they get to see it for just a few hours when they visit. And all babies stir maternal feelings in most people (adolescents not included!)
While I still definitely don't like it, I do agree with this. It made me realize that they get to see her for very little time while she is this tiny and precious.
However I don't agree and absolutely hate when people try to leave the room with her screaming and crying to try and soothe her. Why would you have to leave?! To soothe her in a way that I wouldn't let you if you were in my view or because you don't want me to take her to soothe her according to what she probably wants/needs. Either way very wrong and completely inappropriate. I hate when people take her and refuse to give her back when she's screaming! She fell asleep while my niece was holding her the other day and now she thinks she can soothe her and refuses to give her back when she's crying!

I also do babywear a lot and especially I do so on purpose when we are going somewhere that I know I won't want others trying to hold her.

But we have In laws and their kids coming and SIL is very bold and I already know will be wanting to hold/soothe her when she's crying. I also am preparing for all the judgment and "tips" for parenting she has for me.

HELP?! I'm kinda shy and don't know what to say in these situations when they don't want to give her back? Especially with SIL, the best way I guess I can describe her isBOLD, not afraid to say what's on her mind... I just know what to say especially with our sounding rude.
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:46 PM   #65
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Re: Selfish with your baby

That's not being selfish, those are instincts You're a momma bear now, it's totally normal in those early weeks/months to just want your baby, it's part of protecting her.
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Old 10-10-2012, 05:56 PM   #66
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Re: Selfish with your baby

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Originally Posted by aemarques View Post
HELP?! I'm kinda shy and don't know what to say in these situations when they don't want to give her back? Especially with SIL, the best way I guess I can describe her isBOLD, not afraid to say what's on her mind... I just know what to say especially with our sounding rude.
Are you BFing? That was and is my fall back when family/friends think they can soothe DS and don't want to give him to me -- I tell them that he is hungry and only I can help him out with that unless they want to try BFing him. And with ILs, I found when the kids got really fussy and they wouldn't give him or her to me, I would say "Maybe DH can help soothe LO" at which point they would usually give baby to DH and DH would hand baby to me. It's like they just didn't want ME to have the baby and quiet him/her down. It is a round about way of getting baby back without minimum amount of fuss and distress for baby.
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Old 10-10-2012, 08:21 PM   #67
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Re: Selfish with your baby

I felt this way with all five of my babies. I think it's a normal, protective response. Along the way, I've learned how to share my babies with people I don't mind holding them, but when I go out (church, store, library, etc.), I always put the baby in the sling so that I don't have to fend off other peoples' loving advances. WRT to unwanted advice, here's what my mom told me: "Everyone has their opinions on the best way to raise your baby. Smile and nod, thank them for their interest in your baby, and then go home and do exactly what YOU want to do, and feel NO guilt about doing it."
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Old 10-10-2012, 09:27 PM   #68
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Re: Selfish with your baby

I'm like that with all of my kids. Finally by baby #4 I point blank just said....he wants to be with me, he's with me all day long, of course he want's to be with me and doesn't want other people holding him.....to which my IL's totally agreed much to my suprise. Baby wants mama as much as mama wants baby!
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Old 10-10-2012, 09:36 PM   #69
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Re: Selfish with your baby

I'm totally with the OP on this. It's my baby, and *I* want to hold her/him. I spent 10 months growing this little person, and now I am so bonded, and feel so fiercely connected, I don't want to share. (Except with baby daddy). And I don't have to. After a few months, I am more willing to let people hold the baby. But not until I am comfortable.

The baby isn't going anywhere. (Especially if they are protected from germies). They will still be little in a few months. Until then, you are welcome in my home only if you are there to pamper me. (I don't get having people over to play with baby so I can clean when I'm already an exhausted, hormonal mess). Please, do the dishes. Yes, you may clean my bathroom. You may also bring me food and massage my shoulders. But no, you may not hold my newborn. You want one, I can explain how to obtain one of your own

I totally get not wanting to pass the baby, and feeling anxious when someone is holding *my* precious little bundle. I baby wear, and say "baby's nursing", or "baby's sleeping", or "time to nurse". Your normal op.

Last edited by leadmare; 10-10-2012 at 09:38 PM.
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Old 10-10-2012, 09:56 PM   #70
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Re: Selfish with your baby

I have been reading this thread, and I have one observation...

This thread is very "I" centered with little regard for the feelings of others. IMO, it takes a village, and there is something to be said for family dynamics and not coming off as a controlling person, too.

I see a lot of people on DS spending a ton of time complaining about their family not wanting to be involved with them. Then I read threads like this where people write "I can't stand when people want to hold and love on my baby. I don't want anyone to come see us."

If you treat them that way when baby is small, those hurt feelings don't just go away because baby got older. Of course they are resentful! Instead of just thinking about what "I" want, it may be wise to step back and see how you are making others in your life feel, because you may need their help and support later, and they will remember the day you wouldn't let them near the baby because you "couldn't stand for anyone else to hold her."
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