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Old 10-11-2012, 06:27 AM   #81
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Originally Posted by luvsviola
I have been reading this thread, and I have one observation...

This thread is very "I" centered with little regard for the feelings of others. IMO, it takes a village, and there is something to be said for family dynamics and not coming off as a controlling person, too.

I see a lot of people on DS spending a ton of time complaining about their family not wanting to be involved with them. Then I read threads like this where people write "I can't stand when people want to hold and love on my baby. I don't want anyone to come see us."

If you treat them that way when baby is small, those hurt feelings don't just go away because baby got older. Of course they are resentful! Instead of just thinking about what "I" want, it may be wise to step back and see how you are making others in your life feel, because you may need their help and support later, and they will remember the day you wouldn't let them near the baby because you "couldn't stand for anyone else to hold her."
I totally agree!! This whole business of "it's a normal protective response" that people seem to be proud of it just weird. We aren't lions in the wilds of Africa here. As much as you may not like your MIL, she isn't going to kill and eat your offspring. The protective thing is just so overblown IMHO.

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Old 10-11-2012, 06:32 AM   #82
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Originally Posted by MacMomma

I'm pretty sure it's because they want to calm
The baby themselves without mother intervening. Either that, or to remove them from stimuli to a calmer, quieter space. I guess the intention really depends On the person.
That makes sense. I didn't grow up around babies, and no one ever explained that to me. I just had a sweet FIL who would take my purple screaming newborn on long walks around his property for no reason (and I'm sure it's grossly exaggerated in my memory) and it was torturous.

So the question is, how do moms - who are genuinely suffering from debilitating postpartum anxiety - communicate with their close family and work to find an arrangement that works for everyone?
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Old 10-11-2012, 07:57 AM   #83
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Re: Selfish with your baby

Hmm, well, I did *feel* like that, but I dealt with it and allowed others to love on my babies. Why? Because I am a baby lover myself. It absolutely makes my day for someone to give me the blessing of cuddling their squish for a little bit. There is something about holding a baby that makes all hurts and stresses melt away for a little while.

Of course, I am not like that with strangers, I am talking about people I know.

I hope and pray my daughter and my future DIL's do not push me away from my grandchildren, no matter their age. The thought of that makes me sad. I didn't like my MIL AT ALL, but I always allowed her snuggle time and one-on-one with my babes. I knew she loved them greatly even if she didn't like me much.
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:35 AM   #84
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I hogged last baby but felt it was for a reason. ILs took dh to lunch about 4 hrs. After dd was born and asked if we were going to try for a boy. After he told me, I didnt want them holding her because I felt they didnt love her because she was a girl. It took a while to get over that.

MIL was also mad because I didn't want anyone at the delivery this time. And acted like a jerk when they came in to meet her- so bad i was crying and covered my face with a sheet because there were 10 people in the room.

All of this together gave me some ppd/anxiety and my coping mechanism was holding my baby.

Slowly things got better. DH loves to wear the baby and I let ILs hold her all the time but it was a gradual thing.

Everyone that posted has good points for sure!
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:35 AM   #85
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Re: Selfish with your baby

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeccaSueCongdon View Post
So the question is, how do moms - who are genuinely suffering from debilitating postpartum anxiety - communicate with their close family and work to find an arrangement that works for everyone?
I just straight up told family members. I said something along the lines of, "I know it isn't rational and it is because of my crazy hormones, but it really stresses me out when DD starts crying. I know that you could eventually calm her down, but I can do it so much faster because I know the tricks to make her stop."

Sometimes if we had recently had this conversation but it happened again I would give DH a look or nudge him to go get DD so that I wasn't always the bad guy.

I'm normally a very calm and easy going person, so for family members to see me nervous/anxious and the fact that I could bust out crying at the drop of the hat was a pretty big clue to them that I was still a little off my game.
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:42 AM   #86
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Originally Posted by Aubrey<3Gavin

I just straight up told family members. I said something along the lines of, "I know it isn't rational and it is because of my crazy hormones, but it really stresses me out when DD starts crying. I know that you could eventually calm her down, but I can do it so much faster because I know the tricks to make her stop."

Sometimes if we had recently had this conversation but it happened again I would give DH a look or nudge him to go get DD so that I wasn't always the bad guy.

I'm normally a very calm and easy going person, so for family members to see me nervous/anxious and the fact that I could bust out crying at the drop of the hat was a pretty big clue to them that I was still a little off my game.
This sounds good. "It's me not you" lets them know you need the baby but doesn't make it as hard as the baby being plucked from their arms. I'm going to use this with our next baby.
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Old 10-11-2012, 08:45 AM   #87
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I don't mind letting family hold my babies for a brief time but in no way will I let them "soothe" a crying baby. I don't care what anyone thinks, a newborn is fresh to the world and they only know mama's scents, voice and heartbeat. I don't think babies NEED to get used to anyone especially mine that I am staying home with and EBF'ing.
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:27 AM   #88
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Re: Selfish with your baby

Grr... my post just got eaten. Anyway, this thread has turned serious, so I will do my best to express my feelings.

Families are hard. Relationships are hard. And I agree with luvsviola that it (if we desire a close family) is important to foster familial relationships; in part by inviting them to meet the newest member. That is why my husband and I let both our parents come visit. And they held the baby (even if I didn't want to share, lol). But, I also think it's Ok to have those feelings of being so connected to baby, although I can see it is also good to let the il's hold baby for a bit. However, a new baby isn't carte blanche to run roughshod over mom, invade her home for hours and prevent mom for comforting or feeding baby as needed.

Overall, I think many moms posting here aren't really saying "no one hold my baby... my precious..." (gollum style). I am suspicious that a lot of what moms are posting is really more related to underlying issues that present themselves when a baby is born.

Are the il's local, or visiting just to see baby? Are they staying at a hotel, or with the new parents? Do they expect to be "entertained", or are they more self sufficient? Do they come for four hours at a time, or drop by for thirty minutes? How was the relationship before baby came? Do they respect the mom's parenting, or constantly criticize? Are they visiting at an agreed upon time, or just "popping by" all the time? Is this the first child for the parents? First grandchild? Is the family generally more private, or more open?

All of these factors really influence how visit(s) post-partum go. New parents are struggling how to care for this little person that just totally rocked their world. Mom may be trying to figure out breastfeeding (something that is a little hard to do in front of guests when you've never done it before). Even when you love you IL's, it can be hard to walk that fine line between establishing your own little family, and having quiet time to rest and recuperate and wanting to share the lovely little one with family. It's hard to love your parents, and inlaws, and also establish some boundaries.

So maybe some moms feel differently. But I think a lot of "stuff" is being lost in the (internet) translation. It is one thing to have in laws who want to meet this new person, and come by for a respectful visit that isn't too long, and to try and "share" even if it's hard. I think it is different to have in laws you don't know too well camped out at your home for days, or weeks, while you try to figure out being a parent. I think a lot of the "truth" is somewhere in the middle. Various moms' responses ("oh, of course I pass the baby", or "I don't want to", to caricaturize) are in many ways a reflection of these hidden (to us) biases and past experiences. I still don't think it is wrong to feel a "selfish" with your baby. But I think it is also good to try and "share" in a way that you can. Each mother, father, and extended family has to figure out what works for them. I don't think (inevitably judgmental blanket statements in either direction are true, or helpful. Hopefully this post was a little more balanced. It sure was longer Whew.
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:29 AM   #89
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Re: Selfish with your baby

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aubrey<3Gavin View Post
I just straight up told family members. I said something along the lines of, "I know it isn't rational and it is because of my crazy hormones, but it really stresses me out when DD starts crying. I know that you could eventually calm her down, but I can do it so much faster because I know the tricks to make her stop."

Sometimes if we had recently had this conversation but it happened again I would give DH a look or nudge him to go get DD so that I wasn't always the bad guy.

I'm normally a very calm and easy going person, so for family members to see me nervous/anxious and the fact that I could bust out crying at the drop of the hat was a pretty big clue to them that I was still a little off my game.
This is what I did too, told them I knew it wasn't rational and it was nothing against them, but I had anxiety about other people holding my baby. As is evident from this thread, some people just really don't *get* it and see me as being selfish and possessive of my babies. When postpartum anxiety is the furthest thing from selfishness.

I've also stated that when the baby is crying they are crying because they want me (true 99.9% of the time), but after raising 9 children, they often feel that they know it all when it comes to babies and can handle it. I don't care if someone else can comfort my baby after a while, I know that I can do it immediately.
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:43 AM   #90
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leadmare
Grr... my post just got eaten. Anyway, this thread has turned serious, so I will do my best to express my feelings.

Families are hard. Relationships are hard. And I agree with luvsviola that it (if we desire a close family) is important to foster familial relationships; in part by inviting them to meet the newest member. That is why my husband and I let both our parents come visit. And they held the baby (even if I didn't want to share, lol). But, I also think it's Ok to have those feelings of being so connected to baby, although I can see it is also good to let the il's hold baby for a bit. However, a new baby isn't carte blanche to run roughshod over mom, invade her home for hours and prevent mom for comforting or feeding baby as needed.

Overall, I think many moms posting here aren't really saying "no one hold my baby... my precious..." (gollum style). I am suspicious that a lot of what moms are posting is really more related to underlying issues that present themselves when a baby is born.

Are the il's local, or visiting just to see baby? Are they staying at a hotel, or with the new parents? Do they expect to be "entertained", or are they more self sufficient? Do they come for four hours at a time, or drop by for thirty minutes? How was the relationship before baby came? Do they respect the mom's parenting, or constantly criticize? Are they visiting at an agreed upon time, or just "popping by" all the time? Is this the first child for the parents? First grandchild? Is the family generally more private, or more open?

All of these factors really influence how visit(s) post-partum go. New parents are struggling how to care for this little person that just totally rocked their world. Mom may be trying to figure out breastfeeding (something that is a little hard to do in front of guests when you've never done it before). Even when you love you IL's, it can be hard to walk that fine line between establishing your own little family, and having quiet time to rest and recuperate and wanting to share the lovely little one with family. It's hard to love your parents, and inlaws, and also establish some boundaries.

So maybe some moms feel differently. But I think a lot of "stuff" is being lost in the (internet) translation. It is one thing to have in laws who want to meet this new person, and come by for a respectful visit that isn't too long, and to try and "share" even if it's hard. I think it is different to have in laws you don't know too well camped out at your home for days, or weeks, while you try to figure out being a parent. I think a lot of the "truth" is somewhere in the middle. Various moms' responses ("oh, of course I pass the baby", or "I don't want to", to caricaturize) are in many ways a reflection of these hidden (to us) biases and past experiences. I still don't think it is wrong to feel a "selfish" with your baby. But I think it is also good to try and "share" in a way that you can. Each mother, father, and extended family has to figure out what works for them. I don't think (inevitably judgmental blanket statements in either direction are true, or helpful. Hopefully this post was a little more balanced. It sure was longer Whew.
Good thoughts :-) I agree wholeheartedly.
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